


Out of the Silence

by ShutUpandPull



Category: Caskett - Fandom, Castle
Genre: F/M, Ficathon, Hiatus, Tumblr Prompt, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-26 18:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6249916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShutUpandPull/pseuds/ShutUpandPull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castle and Beckett find themselves in a dark place, but they soon discover it's often darkest before the dawn. A 2014 Summer Hiatus Ficathon entry based upon the following prompt: "What if Castle didn't bring Jacinda to the crime scene in 'The Limey'?" (yes, it's a minor plot point, but I decided to run away with it)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote as a challenge to myself and posted to another fanfic site back in 2014. It's my most substantial writing undertaking to date, and one I haven't looked at since. If you're considering writing a piece but hesitating because you aren't certain you'll be able to accomplish your goal, banish those thoughts from your mind and do it. I believe you'll find it (as I did) most rewarding.

Kate and Lanie both scowled at the cell phone as it chirped on the counter between them, their wine glasses still in hand, their hopes that the evening might actually go off without a hitch, at once, emphatically dashed. The call from Espo about the freshly discovered body at the motel came in, as was so often and unfortunately the case with the 12th Precinct’s homicide calls, at the most inopportune of moments.  Not only was it to have been their first girls’ night in together in far longer than either could remember, but Kate was in love, had just all but admitted as much, and that conversation wasn’t anywhere in the neighborhood of finished.

Kate hung up the phone, pushed it aside with a deep sigh of frustration and then sat, waiting discontentedly for Espo’s forthcoming text message with details about where she needed to go. She did her very best in those agonizingly long moments to avoid eye contact with Lanie who, by the demanding arch of her eyebrows, still awaited an answer to the question Kate didn’t actually yet know how to answer: _What are you going to do about it?_.

Kate had no idea what she was going to do, or how to do it, or what she was going to say, or how to say it. And given the state of disconnect she and Castle existed in at the moment, she had no idea if she was even going to be able to do or say anything at all. Just when she’d started to feel truly ready to explore a future with him- ready to try, at least -it was as though the universe had flipped some sort of cruel switch, one that’d suddenly put Castle behind the wall she, herself, had worked so long and hard to free herself from. And, to make matters worse, it appeared he’d willingly taken the escape ladder with him.

Things between them had been different for weeks, and the step forward Kate had one foot poised to take had somehow ricocheted backward with a colossal blow to the gut. She’d spent most of her time of late thinking about it, wondering what’d happened, what she’d done, how to fix something she didn’t even know had broken. Castle had grown distant in a way she’d never experienced from him. He’d never been like this, not even in the beginning when they were complete strangers to each other. He’d never treated her like she was just a colleague. He’d never treated her like she was _just_ anything. And the worst part of all of it, the hardest part of all of it, was that, unlike her, the shift in their relationship seemed to have little effect on him at all.

Espo’s text message finally came across Kate’s phone and broke the awkward silence that’d permeated the room. She and Lanie elected to ride to the crime scene together, seized the opportunity to extend their evening together for as long as the monkey wrench thrown into their plan would allow. More than once during the trip, Lanie glanced furtively at Kate with nagging concern, as she sat all too quiet in the car’s driver’s seat, her hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel, the lights of the city night dancing across her taut knuckles. Kate’s jacket barely tickled the seatback behind her, the tenseness of her body holding her posture nearly fully erect behind the wheel, and she bit nervously at the soft gum of her inner-cheek, as Lanie’s earlier words played on an unending loop in her mind like a haunting song lyric, impossible to shake: _He’s probably tired of waiting._

The words had hit Kate with the punch of a frigid winter air. Worry had set in in an instant, and she’d tried futilely to swallow it down along with the freshly poured wine in her glass. But she knew Lanie was right. Castle wasn’t going to wait for her forever, and it wouldn’t be fair of her to expect him to, especially given that she hadn’t told him of any of the work she’d done since the shooting to ready her heart, a heart that’d truly already belonged to him for so long.

Kate inched the car to a stop at the red light, the street noise outside somehow muffled by the deafening silence within.

“Kate, what’re you thinking about?” Lanie knew her well enough to ask, understood her well enough to know she’d never just come out with it. Kate was strong enough to handle anything on her own, and she usually did. 

Kate offered no reply, no acknowledgement that her friend had even spoken a word, her eyes laser-focused on the glowing taillights of the car in front of them.

“ _Kate_.” Lanie’s voice grew more insistent with her second attempt, as did her worry.

“What?” The question dropped out of Kate’s mouth with the innocence of a young child. She hadn’t heard a single word.

“What is wrong with you, Kate Beckett? And you need to spit it out before you implode because that is one gnarly scene this doctor does not want any part of. No ma’am.”

Kate’s eyebrows furrowed at the colorful imagery, as the light turned green before them. “Charming, Lanie. Thanks for that visual. And, nothing is wrong with me. I’m just- I’m just thinking. That’s all.”

“No, that is not all. You’re about to rip that steering wheel clear off the column with that grip. Must be some thought you’re having.” Then her tone grew measurably softer. “Tell me what’s goin’ on in that gorgeous head of yours?”

Kate made a conscious effort with a number of deep breaths to try and relax her body, thanks to Lanie, now acutely aware of the ache creeping through her hands courtesy of the death grip she had on the wheel. “It’s just what you said before about Castle and about his being tired of waiting. I don’t want to lose him, Lanie. I can’t. And the thought of him moving on because I couldn’t-”

“Kate, don’t. Don’t do that. You said it yourself. You don’t know what’s going on with Castle any more than I do. You just need to get him to tell you what it is, that’s all, and you’re good at that, Detective Beckett. Put him in the box, pin him down- figuratively speaking or not- and make the man tell you. And do it _now_ , Kate.”

Kate’s head snapped sideways with a grimace. “You’re bossy, you know that?”

Lanie chuckled, accepted the label without dispute. “I’m just fighting for love here, Kate. Your happiness means a lot to me, and so does Castle’s, for that matter. And whether or not all of this works out for the two of you, he should know how you feel and vice versa. All cards on the table. Once and for all. Truth.”

Kate agreed with only a nod of the head, her words lost in the maelstrom of emotion swirling somewhere between her heart and her brain.

Just ask him. Just tell him. Sure.

But there wasn’t anything _just_ about either.

**xxxx**

Kate and Lanie emerged from their vehicle at the motel to find the police and emergency teams busy at work on the scene. They ducked under the yellow crime scene tape, passed Ryan and Espo’s car parked next to the van of the medical examiner, and crossed the lot toward room number eight.

“So, were you going to call Castle or-”

“Lanie!” Kate barked in interruption. “I promise I’ll deal with that later, okay? I need to just try and focus on whatever this case is right now and do my job.”

“Hello! Touchy! I meant about the body, Kate. You know, how a vic drops and you usually call your partner?”

Kate’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Right, sorry. No, but I forwarded Espo’s text to him from my place, and he hasn’t replied, so I have to assume he’s not coming. Shouldn’t surprise me, I guess.” There was profound melancholy in her voice. She hated that she’d begun to think that way.

“You need to get this thing worked out, girl, or the more time that goes by, the worse it’s going to get, and the worse you’re going to feel.”

“I know, Lanie, and I will, okay? Hey, there’s Ryan.”

Ryan stood a short distance from them in the motel room’s doorway. He waved them over and was in the process of grabbing for the notebook in his jacket pocket when Castle abruptly jogged up and tried to get a peek inside. Kate and Lanie stopped in their tracks, the breeze from his dash past churning around them. He hadn’t said a word to either.

 “Seriously?” Lanie’s question was more rhetorical than not. “Nice of him to say hello.”

Kate stood motionless, not as shocked by Castle’s slight, yet wishing desperately she was, her breath trickling into the night air by way of her slack-jawed expression. It was anger she wanted to feel, but it couldn’t rise to the surface, its path obstructed by hurt. This- whatever this was- had to end. She didn’t know how much more she could take.

Castle’s barrage of questions hit Ryan fast and furious. “So? What’s going on? Drug deal gone bad? Lady of the night get caught with the wrong John? Return of Norman Bates? What? Come on, man!”

Ryan tried several times to interrupt the colorful ramble, but to no avail. “Chill out, Castle. Beckett’s right there. How about I only do this once, huh?”

“Whoa, a tad prickly tonight, my friend. Everything okay?”

Ryan sighed. “Just another romantic night at home with Jenny ruined is all. No big deal.” His voice dripped with bitterness. Clearly, it was a big deal.

“Well, murder nev-”

“Ryan, what’ve we got?” Kate jumped in front of Castle’s, no doubt, less than comforting imminent retort, as Lanie stepped between the men and disappeared into the room.

“Caucasian female, looks to be in her early twenties, no wallet or purse, so she’s Jane Doe for now. The clerk at the front desk didn’t recognize her, so she must not have checked in herself. He’s in the office gathering security footage for tech to review, just in case it may have caught something. The rooms on either side are unoccupied and the charming man in the room upstairs smells like he’s been drunk for a week. Needless to say, we got zero from him.”

With the preliminaries shared, Ryan turned and ducked back into the room, leaving Kate alone outside with Castle.

“Sounds like you have your hands full, Detective Beckett,” Castle remarked, playful yet pointed.

And the words hit their mark.

Her brain had caught the “you” and it’d echoed in her ears like thunder through the canyons _._ Not too long ago, it was _we_.

“I didn’t think you were coming, Castle.”

He looked at her with exaggerated disbelief at the mere suggestion. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, I texted you and you never responded, so I just assumed-”

“And there’s the problem, Detective. You assumed.” One final jab before he, too, left her standing there. Alone.

Kate looked around her, the blue and red lights of the patrol cars reflected in the pavement’s puddles, the medical examiner’s gurney awaiting its burden, the gawkers hovering with nothing better to do. She felt thankful for all of it, thankful for that moment’s distractions, however temporary.

**xxxx**

Castle was huddled in a corner with Espo when Kate finally entered the room, Castle showing him something on his phone, both chuckling like a couple of kids enjoying the dirty punchline of a joke no one else around them was supposed to hear. Kate shot them a look, one that required no added commentary, and after a conspicuous nudge from Espo, Castle’s phone went dim with the flick of a finger. She wasn’t in the mood for much of anything at the moment, and at least one of them understood that.

Kate gingerly approached the victim’s battered, lifeless body, one visual sweep of her surroundings under her belt. It was clear that something dreadfully ugly had taken place there, something unimaginable.

Castle and Espo fell in and stepped up behind her, stood watchfully as she crouched to meet Lanie at eye level. “Any idea about time of death?” Her eyes scanned the young woman’s body left bruised and bloody on the floor.

“It’s pretty fresh. Looks like just a couple of hours maybe. Someone really did a number on her.”

Kate shook her head in disgust. “I’ll never understand how people can do this to one another.”

The obnoxious ring of a cell phone cut into the hush of the somber moment, and realizing it was his, Castle reached into his coat pocket to retrieve the guilty device. He glanced at it unapologetically and reacted with a less than masculine squeal of delight. Everyone in the small group snapped their heads in his direction, their disapproval unmistakable.

“I’ll just take this outside,” Castle announced, shuffling a few steps backward. As he turned away from them and toward the door, the phone to his ear, he left his “How’s my favorite flight attendant?” hanging in the air for all to hear. And they _all_ did.

Espo wasted no time at all. “What the hell was that?”

Ryan shrugged. Lanie watched Kate watch the door.

“Just- can we just focus on the damn body, please?” Kate pulled on the pair of blue latex gloves Lanie had handed her and did the one thing she knew how to do: hid in the work.

**xxxx**

The three detectives finished their initial work at the scene nearly an hour later, and they filed out of the room into the damp air of the motel’s lot. A spring thunderstorm had passed over while they were inside, and the resulting scent of ozone helped to mask much of the foulness emitting from their less than desirable surroundings. The body was already on its way downtown, and Lanie along with it; the hand she’d rested at the small of Kate’s back before she’d left an unspoken gesture of comfort.

“I’m going to head over to the precinct and try to work this stuff up for a bit. You guys headed home for the night?”

“We’re not headed home if you’re going to the precinct,” Espo assured her, in a tone suggesting he was confused that she’d think otherwise. “Wait, where the hell did Castle go? He came out here, like, an hour ago.” He and Ryan surveyed the lot as though he might actually still be around after all that time. Kate didn’t make the effort. She knew he wasn’t there. After all, he hadn’t really been there in weeks.

Kate turned and headed for her car. “I’ll see you guys over there, okay?”

“Yeah,” Ryan hollered after her. Ever the gentleman, he kept watch as she climbed safely into her car and drove off. “Javi, what’s going on with her? Is she okay?”

Espo knew Kate and knew Kate well, and he also knew unequivocally that she wasn’t at all okay. “Come on. Let’s get outta here.”

**xxxx**

Their ride back to the 12th wouldn’t be a long one at that hour and Ryan knew it. He was faced with a limited amount of time to question his partner about what he knew. “So, what was up with Castle tonight anyway? Just disappearing like that?” He intended it to sound smooth and casual, but instead it fell awkwardly out of his mouth with the undignified intonation of a pre-teen in puberty.

“No idea, bro. Maybe it was Alexis or his mom. Or maybe it was an emergency.” He wasn’t convincing Ryan or himself.

“Maybe, yeah, I guess.” He let it drop. But then he picked it up again almost immediately. “But you did hear him say ‘flight attendant’ too, right? I mean, Beckett didn’t look happy at all.”

Espo knew it would come eventually, this conversation. He’d noticed the shift several weeks back, a crack in Castle and Beckett’s cohesion, changes in the demeanor of each. He’d made mental notes: Castle doesn’t stay late these days, Beckett’s distracted and quieter than usual, Castle doesn’t bring Beckett coffee in the morning, Beckett seems tired and on edge- Castle and Beckett don’t act like partners anymore. He’d kept it all to himself, assumed that if Beckett needed him, she’d come, and assumed that if Ryan picked up on any of it, he’d say so. And here it was. “Look, I don’t know what’s goin’ on, bro, but whatever it is, it isn’t good.”

“You’ve seen it too then, huh?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen it.”

They sounded like children, worried their parents might be dancing on the edge of divorce- confused and crestfallen.

The final ten blocks of their journey to the precinct were traveled without another word about it. Without another word at all.

**xxxx**

The bullpen was empty when they stepped off the elevator, and though they didn’t see her anywhere, Kate’s jacket hung from the back of her chair. The whole place was dim, a few scattered lights and the mounted television sets the only sources of illumination. It was actually a welcome change from the usual bustle of any given day in Homicide.

“I’ll go put on some fresh coffee,” Ryan mumbled through a yawn, grabbing the mug from his desk.

Espo dropped into his chair, exhausted by a day that offered no promise of an end in sight. His head fell back against the rest and he covered his eyes with his hand, embraced the rare stolen moment of stillness.

“Go home, Espo.”

He hadn’t heard the clack of Kate’s heels on the wood floor, and he nearly fell out of his chair in surprise, the wheels rolling him awkwardly into his desk. “Hey, sorry, I was just waiting for Ryan. He went to make us some coffee.”

“Skip it. I’m going home. You guys should too. I’ll be in early.”

“You sure? What’s up?”

“Yeah. I can’t focus. I just need to-- go. Sorry you guys came all the way back in.”

“Nowhere else we’d be.” He wanted to say more, wanted her to know they noticed something was off, that they felt it too, that they were there. But he didn’t want to push. It was better that way.  

She nodded and offered a feeble smile, one that took everything in her to muster. Ryan watched from the doorway of the break room, coffees in hand, as she grabbed her jacket and disappeared into the elevator. “’Night,” was all he said, in a voice she never heard.

**xxxx**

Kate arrived home a few minutes past 1:00 A.M. to an oversized envelope propped against her apartment door. Her initial reaction- a by-product of job-instilled wariness- was one of suspicion, as she crouched to try and locate a return label.

The light on the wall in the small hallway was just adequate enough for her to make out the address, and then to realize exactly what was inside. She’d forgotten all about it. The entire transaction had taken more time than she’d ever expected it would- even given that the party selling it was overseas- and with everything else going on as of late, the anticipation she’d felt had somehow fallen away.

It wasn’t something she and Castle did with any regularity, exchange gifts- unusual for friends, perhaps, but not as much so for a nebulous two without a defined label. But she’d come across it on the internet a couple of months ago, and she just knew she wanted him to have it, knew that she wanted to be the one to give it to him. He loved James Bond, spoke of the books’ influence on his own writing many times over the years, almost left her side for good once because of him, and it gave her butterflies inside to imagine presenting him with the first edition, made her blush to meditate on the personal significance of the title: _For Your Eyes Only_.

Kate picked up the envelope and let herself in, shut her eyes as the sharp click of the deadbolt echoed off the ceiling above her. Everything in front of her was dark, and she stood, her back pressed against the stiffness of the door, until the pinch of her toes in the impractical leather that bound them became too painful to ignore. She unceremoniously kicked off the heels and dropped her messenger bag in their wake with a thud. Her eyes, finally accustomed to the darkness, guided her safely to the bedroom, the package from London still in the tight grip of her fingers.

Kate carried it into the bathroom with her, and with her free hand she flipped the light switch on the wall, sending her temporarily startled pupils into virtual hiding. Once in balance, she placed it, unopened, on the corner of the porcelain pedestal sink as she washed her hands of the entire day, drew her hair up into a clip, and undressed, the discarded clothes left in a heap where she stood. But she never took her eyes off of the parcel. She watched it and wondered now if Castle would ever see what was inside. She watched it as though it might, too, disappear.

When she finally broke from it, with her eyes driven to blur and back by her stare, she caught her naked reflection in the mirror. With no idea as to how long she’d been standing there and with no explanation as to why, she plucked the envelope from the sink, retrieved her phone from the pile on the floor, and climbed into her unmade bed.

Lanie had texted at some point, so Kate sent a requisite _I’m fine_ reply, just enough to suspend any further conversation for the time being. She didn’t want to talk anymore, not to anyone but Castle, not to anyone but the one damn person who surely had no interest in talking to her.

The wrapped book balanced on her knee as she sat cross-legged in bed. It weighed next to nothing, and yet she felt smothered by its mass. She stared at her phone, clutched it tightly in her hand as the debate about whether or not to reach out to him raged furiously in her mind.

And then, as though the decision had been made for her, she began to type:

_Not sure why you even came tonight. Obviously you didn’t want to be there. This is our job and it should be taken seriously. If you don’t want to do that, you should just stay home._

Kate sent the message and was instantly struck by a wave of regret, read back what she’d written as her heart thumped with worry. She hadn’t intended it to come out like that. She hadn’t intended it to sound like…

 _Okay_.

That was all he said.

She waited for something else, anything else, more words. The knot in her throat pulled tighter and tighter until it forced her to release a cough, until it disintegrated from the pressure and rolled from her eyes as tears.

The phone went dark, his message still open on the screen as the light faded. And she sat with it in her hand, the package having fallen from her knee somewhere along the way.

 _Okay_. That was all he said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sleep eluded her, and Kate could only watch as the glowing red of the clock on the nightstand beside her ticked off the minutes of too-early morning. Her body sat upright still, hours after she’d climbed into bed, one flimsy pillow all that separated the delicate curve of her back from the bed’s rigid headboard, her mind far too restless to grant her body the comfort it craved. Her eyes stung from the combination of fatigue and salt, the ache of her head surpassed only by that of her heart.  

The tip of her index finger was sticky and approaching numb, the packaging around Castle’s book the culprit, having traced it mindlessly along the envelope’s now-exposed seal for hours. She’d finally opened it shortly after he’d replied to her text, after staring at it for a length of time not even she was prepared to explain. But it felt like apt punishment, to hold the book in her hands, to sit with the consciousness of its present insignificance. It would now serve merely as a reminder, a reminder of what could’ve been if only she’d been strong enough.

The clock beamed 4:18 A.M., and she had to accept that rest was no longer a realistic option. Kate rotated and inched to the edge of the bed, her body stiff and protesting, and with only the faint light of the outside world peeking through the window to guide her, she shuffled to the nearby dresser and pulled on clothes. There was only one place she could go, only one place with the inherent power to ameliorate the pain of the burden weighing so heavily upon her- the place from which she drew so much of her strength. And with her phone and keys in hand, she headed out into the darkness to the 12th.

**xxxx**

Kate arrived at the precinct in little time at all, the city streets dormant in the calm before the day’s usual storm, the desk sergeant on duty notably perplexed to be greeting her at that unusual hour of the morning. The ride up in the elevator was just a few floors, but she savored the opportunity to close and rest her eyes; a chance, she appreciated, the remainder of the day might not afford her. At the carriage’s all-too-soon _ping,_ she stepped between the sliding doors and into the bullpen, and already she felt different.

She dropped her phone and keys into her desk drawer and checked the time on her father’s watch, assumed that Ryan and Espo wouldn’t be in for another hour or two, at least, which gave her more than enough time to head upstairs and turn loose some of her percolating energy. She kept a bag under her desk, had since she’d started in Homicide, for those days when her mind alone couldn’t free her from the jarring images and sounds that went hand in hand with the job. And while the current albatross around her neck had nothing at all to do with her work, the release, she hoped, might offer a modicum of relief.

**xxxx**

The weight room upstairs was empty, not a real surprise given the hour, and she eyed her target from her initial step inside. Across the way, the heavy bag hung from the ceiling in wait and in challenge, silent and strong, ever the receptive opponent. She pulled a glove over each hand as she stalked across the floor, somehow still anxious for battle after a night that’d already left her bruised and bloodied, whether or not anyone else could physically see the resulting wounds.

She circled the bag once, settled herself with deep breaths as she went, readied her body for the sting of engagement. And the instant she released it from the locked corner of her mind, the _Okay_ that’d knocked the wind out of her hours before, the switch was thrown. Relentless and frenzied, Kate came at it, grunts of hurt and exhaustion mingling in the room’s echoes. The bag danced on its chains, did its best to evade her blows, but there was no escape, not from everything she had to give- over and over and over.  

The minutes passed like hours, until the might of the burn claimed her voracious limbs. And then it was over, as quickly as it had begun. One final kick to its core and both fighters were done. Kate grasped at the swinging mass and hugged it to her body. It was the only thing in the world holding her up in that moment, and the overwhelming gratitude she felt slipped from her lips in a faint whisper of thanks.

She heard it then, just barely, over the rapid thump of her racing heart, the sudden sound of clapping in the distance. The two men, neither of whom she recognized, overly dressed for their surroundings in street blues, approached with dopey smiles and an arsenal of infantile adulation. Apparently, she’d had an audience, one that she neither expected nor welcomed, most certainly not on this morning.

“What’d that thing ever do to you?” Both men chuckled, entirely too amused with themselves.

Kate worked to peel off her gloves, one eye on the door behind the two the entire time. She loathed that she had to engage them at all, but they were the one unfortunate hurdle lined up between her and the freedom of the hot shower just fifty feet away. “How’s it goin’, guys?” Her tone was pleasant, yet couldn’t have portrayed less interest.

“Better than you, it looks like. That was some damn fine work.” They eyed each other with their idiotic grins. “So, we have a little bet going- boyfriend or perp?”

She wanted to run, literally barrel through the men and never look back. “Excuse me?”

“The bag, were you imagining a boyfriend or a perp?”

He was entirely serious. She was entirely aggravated. “Enjoy your day, guys.” She shook her head conspicuously as she passed between them in a beeline for the door.

“Hey!” The shout caught her just before she disappeared from sight, and she stopped and turned- a mistake. “If you ever need a partner-”

 _Partner_. That was the very last goddamned word she needed to hear.

**xxxx**

Martha sat alone at the kitchen counter, steam rising from a mug nearby, rainbow colors of fruit arranged on a plate at her hand. She’d woken Alexis for school a short time earlier, her son, though a father with the best of intentions, known to duck that responsibility more often than not. She was focused on the morning newspaper- too early for anything more substantive than the day’s fashion- when her body jerked in its seat, the distinct and resonant _click_ of a key in the loft’s front door catching her by complete surprise.

Castle strolled through the entryway and toward his mother with a markedly contented look on his face, discarding his jacket unceremoniously on a convenient piece of furniture along the way. He was still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, but seemingly none the worse for wear. Tossing his keys onto the counter, he leaned in and kissed his mother’s cheek, offered her a routine morning greeting before reaching into the refrigerator and pulling out a container of juice. Martha looked on, silently at first, but with a profusion of questions just waiting to burst free.

“What?” He lowered the carton of juice from his lips, an errant drop traveling down his chin.

“You’re a grown man, Richard. How about you make your mother proud and use a glass, huh?” She rose from her stool and brushed past him to retrieve one from the cupboard, as he swallowed down yet another sip. “I didn’t realize you weren’t here this morning, darling. Work an all-nighter with Beckett?”

Glass in hand, she turned just in time to watch as he reached out to put the container back, and she shrugged at her own needless effort.

“No,” he offered casually, his face hidden temporarily behind the refrigerator’s door.

“Didn’t you go out to meet her last night? I thought you’d said there was a case and-”

“And there was, Mother.” His reply oozed aggravation. But he knew she’d never let it lie without some sort of explanation. “I went to meet Beckett at a crime scene, yes, and then I got a call from a friend, so I left.”

Martha stood close, her disapproval palpable, her bemusement brimming. “Well, that’s got to be a first. Must’ve been something very important if you left Beckett there alone, huh? Is everything all right?” She reached out and touched his arm with motherly concern.

Castle stepped around her to find some open space, some breathing room. “Beckett doesn’t _need_ me, Mother, not to do her job and certainly not for anything else. It really wasn’t a big deal.”

As his mother, her heart ached for him. Since Kate’s lie had been exposed, Martha watched as he tried with fierce determination to hide his hurt beneath a mask of indifference, to convince himself that being there for the work was enough, but the wounds ran far too deep for parlor tricks and smoke screens.

“Richard, you cannot keep doing this to yourself. You cannot keep punishing yourself for falling in love.” The lump in her throat grew more pronounced with each word. “And no matter how deep inside you try to bury all of this, until you truly face what’s happened, the pain will never go away.”

He stood before her looking like a man who’d just gone ten rounds in the ring, battered and dispirited, not at all the man she knew. He couldn’t even look at her, knew if he did it might knock him over, and knew that he might not have enough left in him to pick himself back up. “I need to sleep, Mother. Tell Alexis I’ll talk to her later, okay?”

He stopped and kissed her again on the cheek as he passed, but he said nothing more.

“Richard...” she whispered, not a call, but a vocalization of a mother’s helplessness, as his bedroom door ticked shut somewhere behind her.

**xxxx**

Kate’s skin still hummed from the heat of her shower as she settled back into her clothes. The weariness she felt was real, the workout and the water having stripped her of much of the buzz she’d carried in with her. She sat on the bench in the locker room and pulled on her socks and boots, her plan for surviving the remainder of the day flashing in her mind like an on-the-fritz neon sign: _one minute at a time_. It was the only way.

She tightened the leather of her father’s watch around her wrist and gathered her wet hair into a ponytail. The door creaked as she tugged it open and stepped out into the hallway, let it close behind her with a push of air. She could do this. She could face this day if she had her work, if she had her team. They would pull her through.

As she descended the stairs back into the bullpen, Kate noticed it there, sitting on her desk. She grabbed for the railing, her equilibrium rattled instantly, her eyes darting around the room, into every corner she could see, through every window, beyond every open door. But the fourth floor all around her was still.

She moved on toward it, slow of step, yet her heart raced as though she was at sprint. The bag she carried slumped clumsily from her shoulder to the floor and she kicked it back under her desk, her attention devoted solely to the cup now within her reach.

“Thought you might be here.” He stood no more than a few feet from her but she hadn’t heard him approach.

“Oh, Espo, hey. Yeah, I was upstairs and…” Her sentence faded into a hush, lost or forgotten, neither knew which. “Did you?” She pointed to the gifted coffee, hoped he wouldn’t take credit because…

Shit. How the hell could he have been so stupid? Of course she’d think it was him. Coffee was always his thing- their thing, Castle and Beckett’s. “I did, yeah.” Now all he wanted to do was apologize, to take it back, to not be such a fool. “Kate, I’m-”

“Javi,” she cut in, “thanks.” She tried to reassure him with effort of a smile. She just needed to move past it. It was easier. It was survival. _One minute at a time_.

“Yeah, no problem.” He knew her. He understood. “I was just about to start going through the witness statements from last night, see if anything jumps out. Ryan should be in soon. He texted me a few minutes ago.” 

“Okay thanks, Espo, I’ll run some stuff through the databases. Maybe we’ll get lucky and score a hit with a Missing Persons Report or something.”

He turned with a nod and slunk away.

She put the cup of coffee aside, never did take a sip.

**xxxx**

Kate’s eyes were beginning to glaze over when Lanie’s text hit her phone, the flicker of her computer monitor as the morning wore on like a hypnotist’s pendulum. Hours had passed with little to show for them but frustration, and the prospect of information from Lanie’s examination, any information at all, perked her up on this day more than it probably should have.

She left Ryan and Espo at the 12th to compile notes, to go through witness interviews, and to begin the review of the motel’s surveillance video which was to be dropped off by the manager within the hour. Twenty minutes later, she walked alone through Lanie’s door at the medical examiner’s office, her friend nowhere in sight. Jane Doe’s body rested on a metal table in the middle of the room, her torso and head exposed, clean save for the purple and red of the scars that would never have the chance to heal. Kate approached, her head angled in a tilt of curiosity, her mind collaged in snapshots of her own mother from that horrible night so many years ago.

The sweep of the door behind her went unnoticed as Lanie entered the room and silently observed her friend for a long moment. “Hey there. You want me to leave you two alone?” With a grin, she stepped up to the table across from Kate.

Kate was clearly startled by her sudden appearance, flustered, forced to make the trip from the past back to the present in an instant. “What I want is for you to give me something I can use to figure out who this woman is. Can you do that?”

“Whoa, wrong side of the bed this morning- got it.” Lanie never minced words.

“I’m sorry, Lanie. I didn’t mean to snap. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night is all.”

“That’s all, hmm? And where’s your partner today?”

Dammit. She should’ve sent Ryan and Espo to do this. “I don’t know where he is.” Just saying the words made her feel unsettled. “And, quite frankly, after last night, I’m not sure I’ll ever know again.”

It wasn’t the time for this. Lanie knew Kate needed the focus of the job. “Well, would you like to know something? About our mystery woman here, that is. I have a preliminary positive for GHB in her system.”

“The date rape drug?”

“That’s the one. It’s also used in smaller doses at clubs or raves because it can act as a stimulant. Given how she was dressed when she was found, she could’ve been out partying and things got out of control. Who knows.”

Kate bit at her lip, her next five moves already being plotted out in her head. “Yeah, maybe. Anything else?”

“Workin’ on it. You’ll be the first to know.”

She dug into the back pocket of her jeans for her vibrating phone. “I have to go. Thanks.” Ryan and Espo had something.

**xxxx**

“Yo!” Espo called out from his desk across the room, Kate barely a foot clear of the elevator doors. “What’d Lanie have to say?” Ryan stepped out of Gates’ office and the three met in the middle.

“She had GHB in her system. She could’ve been drugged or it could’ve been an overdose. Hopefully we’ll know more when Lanie’s done later. What’s- what’s up with Gates?” Kate had noticed her standing in her office window, watching them as they spoke- watching her, more specifically.

“Who ever really knows with Gates, right? I mean, I was just in there and she didn’t have much of anything at all to say. Filled her in on the video footage we got from the manager of the motel,” Ryan told her.

“Okay, give me a minute. I need coffee first. Then you can catch me up.” Despite Kate’s brief outing into the fresh air of the spring day, the drag from sleeplessness and her time in the gym was very much setting in. On the best of days, her body craved the caffeine, and its revenge for today’s withholding was playing out in the throb of an unforgiving headache.

Back from the break room, mug in hand, Kate joined Ryan and Espo in front of the large flat screen in the bullpen’s humble tech room, a blurry image paused and ready for her scrutiny. “Okay, what’ve we got?” She sipped the too-hot coffee with reckless abandon, the resulting expletive turning the heads of both men.

“Everything…okay?”

Loaded question. “I’m fine. What’s-?” She pointed at the screen, her tongue numb from the scald. Add that to the list.

Espo chimed in with commentary as Ryan exercised control over the remote control. “Now, this was captured about ninety minutes before the body was discovered. The quality sucks, but that appears to be two men coming from the vicinity of room eight, climbing into that dark sedan, and driving off in a hurry. And- play that back, play that back- one of them is definitely looking around like he’s worried they might be seen. Looks damn suspicious, if you ask me.”

“The manager said they don’t require people to register their cars when they check in, so no luck there,” Ryan added. “But we sent unis back to the motel with some stills of the video to see if anyone recognizes the sedan or saw anyone get in or out of it last night. And tech is doing what they can to try and clean up the footage, but they told us not to hold our breath. It’s a pretty cheap operation.”

“Yeah, imagine that.”

Every case, just one break, that’s all she needed.

Kate stepped toward the door to return to her desk, Ryan and Espo with eyes on her, awaiting further instruction. “Okay, you guys check in and see if the canvass has turned up anything on the car and see where tech is at with the video. They’ve had success with far less than this, I’m sure. I’m going to look into the clubs around the motel, make some calls, see if I can’t find someone that can help ID her that way. Maybe she was a regular somewhere.”

“You got it, boss.”

**xxxx**

“Well, thank you for your time. I appreciate you taking a look. If you remember anything or hear anything, you have my number.” Kate hung up the phone on her desk with an emphatic clack, her undeniable frustration clear to all within her proximity. She’d sent the photo of Jane Doe to six club managers, left word for three others, and nothing had come of it so far. She tried to calm herself down. After all, it hadn’t even been 24 hours. It was all just getting to her- last night, the vic, the dead ends- and, honestly, she just wanted out of this day.

“Detective?” The voice sliced through the ambient office sounds. Gates stood just outside her office door, Kate’s attention her holler’s objective. “Can I see you a minute?” She disappeared inside once Kate moved to stand.

Kate had known Gates for just a few months, still hadn’t quite learned how to interpret her captain’s signals or body language. But she respected her, admired her- liked her, even. There was something in the toughness that Kate took comfort in, felt connected to, her own character much the same. “Sir?” Kate peeked her head through the open door.

“Come in, sit.” Her voice gave nothing away.

Kate took a seat as instructed, an entire list of things she could’ve screwed up scrolling across her eyes between each blink. She waited for the hammer to drop, braced for the criticism and the ire. But it didn’t come.

“I received a call this afternoon, Detective, from Mr. Castle.” Her voice was softer than Kate had ever remembered.

“You-?” Nothing more came out, and Kate swallowed hard.

“Yes, he called to thank me for allowing him to remain with the precinct given my initial and considerable reservations, and to tell me how appreciative he was of the access to my team- to you. And he assured me I’m working with the best team in the city.” She grinned but took no happiness in it, did it more for Kate’s benefit, though she could tell instantly by her reaction that it hadn’t mitigated the shock of the blow. “It all came as quite a surprise. I wasn’t aware that Mr. Castle had completed his research.”

Kate had no idea either, not until that very moment. Last night’s message, last night’s _Okay,_ was his goodbye? He was done with them, with her, and he’d called Gates? She didn’t understand any of it. Her mind was in an absolute tumult of emotions. There was never a…nothing ever…why was he doing this?

“Sir, may I be excused, please?” Her voice cracked with heartache and anger, and she was gone before Gates ever had the chance to dismiss her.

She pulled her jacket on as she strode across the lobby and out onto the sidewalk. Castle couldn’t do this. Not this way. A few weeks ago, he’d told her he didn’t want to waste any more time, and now he was just gone? Maybe he could live with that, but she couldn’t.

Kate climbed into the car and made her way through the afternoon traffic to his loft. Because she had to know. He needed to tell her to her face if he was done, not by way of some ridiculous and cold relay through her boss.

She paced in the elevator on the way up to the penthouse, her body managing to still function only as a result of the emotional fuel of the last hour. She shouted his name from the hallway, pounded on his door and then pounded some more, until it flew open in front of her.

But it wasn’t Castle standing there.

“Katherine? My word. Is everything all right?” Martha’s face was rife with worry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh, Martha, I’m-” Kate stood before Castle’s startled and confused mother, utterly mortified by the absurdity of own behavior. She hadn’t thought this through. She hadn’t thought at all, actually- not the usual Kate Beckett way. She barely recognized herself, the previous minutes playing back in her mind, the heat of embarrassment creeping up her neck and across her cheeks as she tried feverishly to brainstorm an easy way out. “I’m so sorry, Martha. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s nothing, really.” She took a step backward in retreat. “I’m just going to go.”

“Katherine Beckett, you stop right there. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s clearly not nothing- of that, I’ve never been more certain.” She reached out and wrapped a hand around Kate’s wrist, tugged gently to encourage her inside. “Come on, come with me.”

Absent the presence of mind needed to formulate an immediate and adequate objection, Kate submitted to the pull and followed Martha into the loft. It was quiet and dim inside, no obvious signs anyone else was around- namely Castle- and seemingly little chance Kate could feasibly hope to get out of this without bringing him up. After all, why else would she possibly be there?

A faint whistle invaded the initial moment of awkward silence between them, and Martha turned for the kitchen. “I was just making myself some hot tea. Always helps when I’m feeling under the weather. Magic potion, I say. Looks as though you could use a cup too, my dear. Come and sit.”

Kate followed, stepped up to the breakfast bar and slid out a stool as Martha pulled two mugs from the cupboard. She glanced over her shoulder toward Castle’s office, the lights off and his desk chair empty. “So, he’s not here then, I guess.” There was both melancholy and relief. She _really_ hadn’t thought this through.

Martha poured the boiled water into each mug and returned the kettle to the stove. “Well, naturally I assumed he was with you, dear.” She moved around the counter and took a seat next to Kate. “You haven’t seen him?”

The gold tag of Kate’s tea bag dangled loosely against the side of her mug and she fidgeted with it, her nervous energy craving any possible outlet. “No, I haven’t seen him since last night. He showed up at my crime scene, but then he left shortly after, didn’t say a word to me- to any of us.”

Kate’s fingertips tightened around the tiny gold paper and it separated from its anchor of string. She pushed it aside, its usefulness now diminished. “I don’t know, Martha.” She shook her head, bewildered. “Is Castle okay? Lately, he’s just seemed…distracted or bored or I’m not sure what, and it’s been pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to talk to me about it.”

Martha knew plenty, none of which she could admit to without the possibility of hurting her son even more than he already was. “Look, Kate, my son-”

She didn’t let Martha finish, her brain doing its very best to try and rationalize his behavior. “I’m probably just overreacting. Maybe the stress of trying to finish the book and Alexis’ college stuff is just taking its toll.” She sipped her steaming tea cautiously. _I’m sure that’s it_ slipped out in an inadvertent whisper, more for her own benefit than Martha’s.

“Yes, perhaps you’re right.” She touched the back of Kate’s hand in motherly fashion. “Richard has been quite on edge about Alexis and her forthcoming decision about school. I shudder to think what things will be like around here if she’s more than a few miles away- let alone across an ocean. He loves that girl more than anything in this world.” But Martha knew well how much he loved Kate too, how devastated he was to learn that she didn’t love him in return, not in the way he so desperately wanted. “I’m very glad he has you, you know that?” She squeezed her fingers around Kate’s hand. “You really have changed his life, Katherine.”

Kate smiled lightly. “Thank you, Martha.” How she wanted that to still be true. “He’s changed mine too.”

Seconds later came the unexpected interruption, the giggling and the commotion as the loft door suddenly flew open with a flourish. The high-pitched sound was definitively female and equally grating, their heads pivoting swiftly to survey the scene.

Castle stumbled through the doorway behind a petite blonde neither Martha nor Kate recognized, bumping clear into her and nearly knocking her over in the process. He steadied himself, his arm wrapped around her midsection and his face buried awkwardly in the hair across her ear.

“Well, _hello_ , darling.” Martha’s tone was laced with disapproval.

He released the hold on his companion, clearly caught off guard by the unanticipated company. “Mother? I wasn’t expecting- I thought you had class tonight.” He took a few steps forward, noticed Kate sitting next to her at the counter, her expression flat. “Oh, and Detective Beckett, the NYPD must need my help solving a case, huh? _Again_. It seems the city can barely function without me.” He looked back and winked at the blonde, pompous and adolescent and with unabashed intent to impress. And impressed she was, the mammoth grin of wonderment on her face evidence of it.

Martha interjected before her son could bury himself any deeper. “I wasn’t feeling well, so I canceled my class for the evening.” Kate hadn’t taken her eyes off of him, off of them, and Martha was keenly aware of it. She knew exactly what he was doing, his defense mechanism in full and biting practice.

Kate stood and tucked her stool back under the counter, thanked Martha with a hug and a manufactured smile. She approached Castle with purpose, never again acknowledging the unknown woman standing next to him. “Castle, can we talk? Please?”

“I’m kind of busy right now, Beckett. I don’t want to be rude to my guest.”

The woman never looked up, her attention buried in her chirping cell phone. “I can just call a cab if it’s important. It’s fine, Ricky.”

“No, that won’t be necessary. I’m sure whatever it is isn’t urgent enough for me to have to cancel my plans, right, Detective?”

“No, Castle, I guess it isn’t that important- not anymore.” Kate stepped around him and reached for the door, disappeared without his objection.

Martha caught his eye and he hers. She shook her head, slight but effective, and he looked away, felt everything unsaid as though she’d shouted it at him. Her cup of tea still sat on the counter next to Kate’s, but she abandoned it and made her way to the stairs. “Suppose I’ll leave you two alone then. I’ll be in my room.”

She stepped slowly upward and out of sight. Castle watched silently, remained still until he heard the bedroom door shut behind her. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, did his best to purge the ache of seeing Kate there, without warning or time to prepare, and of letting her walk away. And with a grin of feigned well-being, he turned his attention back to the evening’s distraction. “So, where were we?”

**xxxx**

The light of morning trickled in through the loft’s oversized windows, and Castle stood alone in his kitchen, the hiss and gurgle of the coffee machine at work behind him white noise in his ears. His body leaned heavily against the edge of the counter, its weight in near-full support of his own, and he rubbed repeatedly at his eyes, the stubborn haze that blanketed them seemingly impossible to shed.

“Is the coast clear?” Martha peeked around the loft’s open space, exaggeratedly so, from her position on the staircase’s landing. “I do hope you got her home in time for curfew, Richard. I’m in no mood to deal with calls from angry parents today.”

“It’s a bit early in the day for this, Mother, don’t you think?” His fingers pressed and circled his temples. Thirty seconds of grief from her and his head was already starting to pound.

“Apologies, darling, I’ll wait for you to have your coffee first.” She shuffled across the floor and into the kitchen, clearing the two discarded cups of tea from the previous night off the counter as she passed. “ _Then_ I’ll tell you all about what an ass you’re being.” With the dishes in the sink, she spun around to face him, stood a moment in front of her broken son. “You look how I felt last night.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”

Martha’s hand flew up in preemptive protest. “Please, spare me the details.” The coffee machine let out a final purr and she pulled two mugs from the cupboard, handed them both to him to fill. “The faux-blonde is gone, yes?”

Castle leered at her as though the question were entirely ludicrous. “Yes, Mother, she left last night.” Each word was punctuated with his growing irritation. “I do remember that I still have a daughter living in this house.” He poured coffee for each of them, leaving behind a small puddle on the counter courtesy of his all-too-early fluster.

“Alexis is a big girl, Richard, and she can handle it, but I’m glad you’re keeping her out of it anyway- whatever _it_ is. Where did this one come from anyway?”

He turned and walked away, headed for his office, but Martha followed close behind, not at all accepting of his silence as the hint it was, that he didn’t want to discuss it any further. When he pulled out his chair to sit, she was standing right there at the edge of his desk. “Please, Mother, would you just forget about it? Leave it alone.”

Martha’s expression alone assured him she wouldn’t.

“Fine, I met her when I flew to Vegas last weekend.”

Her eyebrows crept up her forehead as the pieces began to fall into place. “And would this be the _friend_ who called you the other night? The one you left Beckett for?”

“I didn’t leave Bec-”

She pointed her finger at him angrily. “You, Richard Alexander Rodgers, are playing with fire, and I hope that when your head clears, you haven’t done anything you’re truly going to regret. Katherine is the best damn thing to happen to your life, kiddo, aside from that angel of a daughter of yours, and you’re both being so damn foolish.”

Martha stormed off, left Castle to stew in the truth that was her accusation.

**xxxx**

Kate paced around Burke’s waiting room, impatience dripping from her like rain. She pulled her phone from her jacket pocket nearly once a minute, her sense of time all but lost to the meld of day and night that was her current sleepless existence. She’d been up for more hours than her brain allowed her to keep count of, and she hated that even a small piece of her time had to be spent in this office right now- over this. She was also painfully aware of how much she needed to be there.

Four magazines later- none of them read, merely handled and dropped as she wandered aimlessly- Burke opened the door with a morning greeting that went unanswered. Kate barely acknowledged him at all as she walked swiftly past and into his sanctum, her exhaustion temporarily cloaked beneath a veil of resilience.

He sat, as he always did, while she continued her erratic path of steps, her mind and body unable to cease their motion. “So, I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, Kate. Anything in particular going on that you’d like to talk about?”

“I felt so ready. And now-” Kate wasn’t even facing him when the mumbled words came out.

He gave her a moment, an opportunity to elaborate, to complete her thought, but she offered nothing more. “Kate? Perhaps you’d like to sit for a minute and talk.” It was quite clear to him that she was in some sort of distress. This wasn’t the Kate Beckett he was accustomed to seeing.

She moved to the chair opposite his and sat, her settled position allowing him full view of her worn appearance. Her hair was pulled up loosely, the dark under her eyes both pronounced and worrisome. “Have you been sleeping all right, Kate?” He already knew the answer. It was written all over her.

“Not really, no.” She sounded ashamed to admit it, tough Kate Beckett, her voice falling off as she spoke.

“Tell me why.”

Kate liked Burke’s way. She’d resisted it at first, both him and the process, when all she’d wanted to do in the wake of her shooting was to run and hide. The NYPD had forced her into therapy. If she ever wanted to return to duty, she had no choice, and a life for her without the 12th, without that strength behind her, meant little. So she’d shown up, hesitant and reserved, played their game as they’d required of her. And slowly, very slowly, Burke’s patience and his veracity began to draw her out, the person she’d kept locked away. And though it terrified her, she felt safe with him.

“Because I can’t stop thinking about why he’s being like this. Because I don’t understand what’s happened or why.” Her knuckles were white, her hands clasped fixedly in her lap.

“You’re speaking about Mr. Castle, I assume? You two aren’t getting along at the moment?”

“No, it’s more than that. He’s been different toward me, and I don’t know what I did wrong. And I just keep playing everything back in my mind, waiting for something to make sense, but it never does.”

“Have you confronted him about it?”

Kate sat forward in the chair, blanketed her hands over her knees. “That’s part of the problem. He won’t let me talk to him about it. I keep asking for his time, but he always has some excuse- when he even shows up at all.”

“What do you mean?”

“He just left us at a crime scene two nights ago without saying a word, and now he’s-” Her eyes began to fill with tears, and she fought earnestly but futilely against them, using her sleeve to catch those that managed to escape. “Castle’s gone and he only told Captain Gates he was leaving. He quit the precinct. And me. And I just want him to tell me why. I feel like after everything we’ve been through, he owes me that much.”

Kate eyed him, waited for affirmation that what she sought was valid, but instead, his response landed like a kick to the gut.

“You just left once too, Kate, after the shooting. You had your reasons for doing it. You said it was what you needed to do for yourself at the time, and that wasn’t wrong. Everyone needs space sometimes, Kate. And as hard as it may be for you to accept, perhaps that’s what Mr. Castle is telling you now, through his actions. You can’t make him do anything, any more than he could you.”

It stung, his reasonableness, and she wanted to push back against it, but part of her knew he was right.

“You need to take care of yourself, Kate. You’re no good to anyone like this, least of all yourself. Give this time. Whatever it is.”

On her way in to the precinct, she thought about what Burke said. She thought about the amount of time she’d spent away from Castle the previous summer, time she’d needed, and how she’d imagined what he must’ve been feeling given that she hadn’t said a thing to him before she’d left.

Now she knew.

**xxxx**

Ryan and Espo were standing in front of the Murder Board with a third man when Kate arrived. The man wasn’t anyone she recognized, but, to her, he definitely carried the look of a cop. She hung her jacket over the back of her chair and dropped her phone on her desk, approached the group who appeared to be studying the lineup of security video stills from the motel parking lot on the night of the murder. “What’s up, guys? Something new come in?”

“Hey, Beckett,” Ryan jumped in, “this is Jack Cooper from Vice. We worked together a few times when I was in Narcotics. Jack, this is Kate Beckett.”

Cooper pivoted slowly and reached out a hand to shake hers, the look on his face a clear indication of his surprise at just how attractive she was. “Wow, well, it’s nice to meet you, Beckett. You know, I’ve heard about you, but they sure didn’t do you justice.” Evidently he had no idea what boundaries were, certainly not in the workplace, certainly not with Beckett. “Say, where’s that writer shadow of yours? I’d love to get my mom an autograph.” He chuckled, the only one of the four to do so, and shrugged his shoulders when no one else joined in. “No fun here in Homicide, I see.”

He instantly rubbed her the wrong way, but she reciprocated the handshake out of professional courtesy and then proceeded to wipe her palm against her jeans. “How can we help you, Cooper?” She cut right to it, hoped it was something she could dispense with quickly and then send him on his way.

“Actually, I’m the one providing the help today, Beckett.”

He looked her up and down and Espo caught the entire tasteless trip. “Yo, just get to it, okay? Cooper, here, thinks he may recognize our vic and possibly one of the two guys from the parking lot video.”

Ryan already felt apologetic. “Yeah, it was a long shot, but I thought since we’re looking into the club world, Jack might’ve seen them before, or at least know of some people we can talk to.”

“And I’m _so_ very glad you reached out, Ryan.” He was still ogling Kate like Ryan and Espo weren’t even there. “Now, let’s get the business out of the way. We had a case about a year ago, involved some club owners and an alleged narcotics ring- Liquid X, Meth, Special K, etc. We had teams on the inside; hell, we were in the car every damn night watching these clubs, so we have photos, and a lot of them. When Ryan brought me your stuff, I was sure I recognized your Jane Doe and this guy right here.” He tapped one of the photos on display in front of them.

Kate’s brow furrowed with doubt. “That photo is grainy as hell. You can barely see any faces at all. Are you sure?”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Detective- probably longer than you. And I’m doing you a favor here. Do you want the info or not?”

“Give it to Ryan. I need to make some calls.” She walked away, left Ryan to get whatever details Cooper thought he had.

“You’re welcome!” Cooper yelled conceitedly after her, loud enough for anyone on the same city block to hear.

Kate didn’t utter another word, merely mouthed the word _dick_ and kept moving.

**xxxx**

Kate was finally able to reach two of the three club owners she’d left word for the previous day, one of whom preferred to talk in person rather than by phone. He’d reviewed the photo she’d sent of the vic, but he wouldn’t say anything more about it unless it was face to face. She left Ryan with Cooper and took Espo with her to the club, not wanting to show up alone to something that could end up being a bad situation.

The club didn’t officially open until 11 P.M., but someone from the owner’s security team was there to meet them when they arrived. He didn’t say two words to either of them, simply directed them to the front door and followed them through, activating a myriad of locks once they were all inside. Espo couldn’t help but stop and look back over his shoulder, the shower of sound unsettling enough to draw his already heightened attention.

Kate was already several steps ahead, as she moved across the dimly lit room toward the outline of a figure seated on a stool at the bar, her forearm brushing across the bulge of the weapon beneath the jacket at her waist. The man stood as she neared, took two steps forward into a break in the shadows, and waited, Espo back in line just off her shoulder.

“Mr. Vincent?”

“Detective Beckett, thank you for coming all the way down here. Please, call me Jimmy. Sorry about the hassle, I don’t much like conducting business over the phone- especially potentially sensitive business, like this.”

“It’s no problem, really. This is Detective Esposito. We’re working this case together.”

Espo held an oversized envelope in his hand, copies of the still photos they’d brought with them for Jimmy to look over in person. The muscular and stony-eyed bodyguard hovered close-by, his presence oddly discomforting given his current position of employ, and Jimmy looked to him often for what one had to assume was reassurance. It was quite obvious that Jimmy wasn’t comfortable around those he didn’t know- or perhaps, just around cops.

“So, what can you tell us, Mr. Vincent- Jimmy? Did you recognize our victim from the photos I sent? We-” She reached for the envelope and took it from Espo. “We brought copies if you’d like to take a few moments.”

He didn’t respond immediately, looking first to his companion and then to the offering in Kate’s hand. “Let’s sit, detectives.”

**xxxx**

“Espo, when we get back to the precinct, you and Ryan dig up whatever you can on Jimmy’s brother, Micky: prior arrests, outstanding warrants, anything, and run the addresses and phone numbers he gave us and see if any of them are still active. I need to locate Talia Thorne’s next of kin and tell them what’s happened.”

He exhaled sharply. “You’ll never hear me complain about the grunt work as long as you have _that_ job. Don’t know how you do it, boss.”

“Sometimes, I wonder.”

The remainder of the trip back in was quiet, more Kate’s choice than Espo’s, her mind preparing itself for the somber task ahead. It never did get easier, no matter how many times she’d spoken to a family, remembering her own in the process. But the understanding was her gift to give, spoken or not, and if there was any amount of comfort to be found in the awful responsibility, it was in that.

It took Kate hours that afternoon- the surname, Thorne, a common one in and around the Chicago area, apparently, where Jimmy had told them he believed Talia was from- to locate any information about her family. Absent a date of birth, absent any of her personal belongings, the search proved difficult. Jimmy had indicated that Talia was a friend- though he suspected more- of his brother Micky’s, also the club’s co-owner, who’d incidentally left town a couple of weeks prior and hadn’t been heard from since. Jimmy’s relationship with his brother was strained, to say the very least (his words), Micky’s business practices and lifestyle away from the club the source of the rift. But, their father had left them the club when he passed, the two of them, and neither brother was willing to let his share go, so they were forced to deal with each other, no matter what happened.

Kate began her calls with local Chicago hospitals, finally got a hit with the 23rd, and, after providing her NYPD credentials to them, they were able to send along Talia’s birth records. She searched the databases for her parents, discovered they’d perished in a car accident in 2004, leaving Talia and her two years older sister, Taryn, without any other immediate family. Both had come to New York a short time after their parents’ deaths, she learned, as Taryn was arrested twice that year by the NYPD for marijuana possession, and both girls were listed at the same address in Brooklyn.

Kate’s eyes grew heavier as the hours ticked by, her computer screen and its endless strings of data responsible for the soft throb that’d begun behind her left temple. It’d been a day- a long, tiring, but ultimately victorious day that’d left her with her vic’s ID, a door to her vic’s next of kin, and at least one person of interest for her to track down. Given how the day began, she’d take that.

As Kate pressed on to try and put pieces of the Talia Thorne puzzle together, Gates approached, stopped with her hands gripped around the back of Castle’s empty chair. Kate hadn’t seen her coming, her blurred focus elsewhere, but Gates waited and watched. “Go home, Detective.” It wasn’t stern, but protective. “You look like a zombie, for crying out loud. You’re no good to me like this.”

Kate’s head snapped to attention, the paper she held dropping from her fingers to the floor at the surprise of her captain’s unexpected voice. “Sir, I’m-” She looked down for a split second, noticed where Gates’ hands had come to rest and immediately felt more flustered. “I’m fine. I may have an address on Talia Thorne’s sister here in Brooklyn, so-”

“Have you spoken with him?” It was as though she hadn’t heard a word Kate just said. The case, there was news about the case.

“Sir?”

Gates tapped the back of the chair. “Mr. Castle- have you spoken with him about his leaving the precinct?” She stepped around and sat, something she’d never done before, not in all these months. “I assumed that’s where you went when you ran out of here yesterday.”

Kate could feel the knot building inside. “No, I tried but, no.”

“Take it from someone who knows, Detective Beckett; good partners are very hard to come by and they’re most certainly worth fighting for.” She leaned over and pulled the loose piece of paper from the floor, handed it back to Kate with an encouraging nod. “Nice work today. Now, get out of here. That’s an order.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

Kate stepped onto the elevator and grabbed her phone from her pocket, but she couldn’t do it, couldn’t dial Castle’s number, couldn’t listen to the silence of him saying nothing again. Not right now. Her day had finally just taken a turn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Kate shifted as the phone chirped in bed next to her, its third attempt to rouse her from sleep and to alert her of the text message from Espo that awaited her. She reached for it with a huff of exasperation, her eyes unable to gain clear focus as they fought to adjust to the shock of the light of day. Frustrated, she rolled her body toward the clock on the nightstand, the glowing numbers displayed there large enough to register, despite her dense morning fog.

She jolted upright instantly in a rush of adrenaline, utterly confused, the time staring back at her, 9:03 AM. She’d slept through her alarm, turned it off without realizing it, she discovered, and after a terse, expletive-laced rant into the quiet of the room about her own stupidity, she reached over and grabbed again for her phone.

_Everything cool? You on your way in?_

She couldn’t believe her day was starting this way. She’d finally managed to close her eyes a couple of hours before, for actual sleep, and this was her reward. Espo and Ryan would be all over her about this. And Gates was going to kill her.

_Yeah, I’ll be there soon._

Something needed to change. If all she was going to have was her work, her days and nights couldn’t go on this way.

**xxxx**

The taunting from Espo and Ryan began the minute Kate stepped off the elevator and into the bullpen, and she was in no mood for any of it. With a conspicuous grimace, Gates watched Kate’s every step from her office window, held up her wristwatch-adorned arm to the glass in condemnation, as though Kate wasn’t aware of exactly what time it was, as though she didn’t feel shitty enough about it already. Satisfied her message of shame had been received loud and clear, Gates stepped away, and Kate dragged herself into the break room for a necessary coffee.

“Late night, huh? You alone, or-”

“Shut up, Ryan, okay? I don’t need your shit this morning too.”

Espo smacked him on the arm. And then, just as quickly as he’d come to her rescue, he threw a jab of his own. “You know, if you want to schedule wake-up calls, I can talk to the front desk for you.” They both attempted to swallow the laugh, but they just couldn’t help themselves.

“Screw both of you.” Kate stormed out, her mug still empty, her day’s thread of patience entirely frayed already.

They both scurried after her, apologetic, and with news about the Talia Thorne case to share.

“Beckett, hey, sorry.”

“Yeah, Ryan’s sorry for being an insensitive ass.”

“ _What?_ ” Ryan’s mouth hung open in exaggerated disbelief.

Espo and Kate grinned at each other. She could always count on Espo.

“Anyway, we ran that address for Talia Thorne’s sister out in Brooklyn and it looks like it’s still good. You want to head over?”

She could feel the adrenaline begin to rush through her again, the sudden build-up of excitement at the prospect of a good lead. But if there was even the slightest chance she was going to have to talk to Taryn Thorne about her dead sister this morning, she definitely needed coffee first. “Absolutely, yeah. Why don’t you guys go ahead and I’ll catch up with you there. I should probably stick my head in and say something to Gates first.”

“Yeah, she didn’t seem too happy.”

“Does she ever?”

“Just text me the address and wait there for me. Don’t try to talk to her until I get there.”

“You got it, boss.”

Kate went back to her desk and pulled the travel mug out of her drawer. A thin layer of dust had settled  over the lid, her use of it over the past four years minimal, thanks to Castle, and standing there with it in her hand prompted her mind to begin playing back all the mornings he’d come in with two cups in hand, as though it’d somehow managed to memorize every one.

The text message from Ryan with Taryn Thorne’s address hit her phone and snapped her out of her reverie before she became too lost in the images, and she returned to the break room for what she needed most. On her way out, as much as she wanted to avoid it, she stuck her head into Gates’ office to render an apology. “Sir?”

Gates didn’t look up. She’d known Kate would come eventually. “You’re here now, Detective. Just go out there and get it done.”

“Yes, sir.”

At least something this morning went smoothly.

**xxxx**

Ryan and Espo sat in their car just down the block from Taryn’s address in Brooklyn, now over an hour since they’d left the precinct. They argued like siblings on a road trip, cooped up in the car too long and absent anything to do but pick at each other.

“You should be the one to call Castle if you wanna know so bad. He’s probably expecting it, anyway. You’re always the one sucking up to him, wanting to be on his team.”

“Whatever, Javi, jealous much?”

“Jealous, bro? Of what, exactly? Now, I don’t know exactly what’s goin’ on, but it kinda seems like your boyfriend’s bein’ a dick.”

“Well, that’s why _you_ should call him, Espo. You can relate. Takes one to know one, right?”

They turned to each other simultaneously, each cracking a smile and releasing a laugh, any hint of tension gone in an instant.

Ryan checked his watch again. Kate should’ve been there by now. “Where the hell’s Beckett? She was supposed to be right behind us.”

“Maybe Gates really chewed her out. Or maybe you texted her the wrong address.”

“I didn’t text her the wrong address.” He reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone, his insistence turned to doubt as quickly as he’d completed the sentence. “Ah, see?” He thrust the phone into Espo’s face. “Definitely the right address.”

“Congratulations, now get that thing outta my face.”

Ryan still took comfort in the small victory. “I’m going to call her. This is stupid.” He dialed Kate’s phone, but it rang four times and went to voicemail. He gave it five minutes and tried again, with the same result. “Two calls, both to voicemail. Weird. I’ll try the precinct, but if she’s still there, I’m going to be pissed.”

“Go get her, tiger.” Espo’s sarcasm always got to Ryan. And that’s exactly why he used it.

The desk put Ryan through to Gates, who answered in a voice he didn’t recognize. He could tell immediately something was wrong.

“Captain Gates, it’s Ryan. Is Beckett still there with you? We’ve been sitting out here in front of Taryn Thorne’s apartment building for over an hour and Beckett was supposed to meet us. She hasn’t shown up yet and she isn’t answering her phone.”

“Ryan?” Her tone projected it plainly. Something was definitely wrong.

The dead air that followed seemed endless. “Yes, sir?”

“I just received a phone call. Detective Beckett’s been in an accident.”

“An accident? What kind of accident?”

Espo hit him on the shoulder and Ryan switched over to speakerphone so they could both listen.

“Some sort of car accident. They said she’s going to be fine, but she’s banged up a bit. They’re going to keep her at the hospital until at least tomorrow for observation.”

“But she’s going to be okay?”

“Yes- yes, that’s what they’ve said. Look, I need you and Esposito to handle notifying Taryn Thorne about her sister. We need to move on this.”

“Of course. What hospital is Beckett in?”

“She’s at NYU Medical Center.”

“Okay, we’ll stop by on our way back, see how she’s doing.”

“Yes, thank you, Ryan.”

He ended the call and looked over at Espo. “Jesus.”

“You said it, bro. So much for her shitty morning improving.”

**xxxx**

Ryan and Espo buzzed Taryn’s apartment from the callbox out front for almost ten minutes without any answer, until they were able to access the building as another tenant exited. Her door was at the end of the gloomy hallway, beneath the twitching fluorescent light and the cobweb that decorated the ceiling in the back corner. They knocked repeatedly, both of them, loudly at times, without drawing a sound from inside. Taryn wasn’t around, and, unfortunately, the one neighbor that answered his door was older than dirt and caked in it as well, and the only thing he managed to tell them was to go away.

They spent the next hour pacing the hallway, hoping Taryn would return to the apartment, but to no avail, and with Kate in the hospital, they made the decision to head over there and come back for a second attempt with Taryn later, however frustrating that would be.

“I will, Captain.” Espo pulled the phone from his ear after filling Gates in on the plan.

“Will what?”

“She wants a full report on Beckett after. And she asked about Castle, if we should call him or not, which was kinda weird.”

“Should we?”

“I have no idea, bro.”

Espo held off, didn’t make the call to Castle right away, figured he should know more about Beckett’s condition and what happened, at least, before he did.

They were given Kate’s room number by a woman at the hospital’s help desk and they tracked it down without difficulty. It was often easy to get lost in those places. Jim Beckett was stepping out into the hallway when they arrived. “Gentlemen, hi, it’s good to see you again.” He shook hands with each. “I know it’ll make Katie happy too. She hates these places, as you can imagine.”

“How’s she feeling?”

“Well, she’ll tell you she’s ready to leave. The doctor, however, has a slightly different opinion about that.”

“That’s our girl, tough as nails.” Espo had to smile. Kate never blinked. “Did she tell you what happened?”

“I’ll let Katie fill you in on the details. She tells a far better story than I. She would’ve made a great lawyer, like Johanna. I think she’s more angry about it than anything else, carrying the burden, as she tends to do.” He paused a moment and looked around. “Is Rick with you?”

Neither knew exactly what to say, so Espo lied. “No, he isn’t, but I left him a voicemail on the way over and I’m sure he’ll be here just as soon as he can.”

“That’s great. Listen, I need to head back to the office for a little while, but I’ll be back later this afternoon. You guys go on in, and thanks again for coming. I really appreciate how much you guys look out for her.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way, sir. She always does the same for us.”

And with Jim’s departure, Espo knew what he had to do.

“You gonna call him, Javi?”

Espo nodded. “I’ll be right in.”

**xxxx**

Kate was sitting up in her hospital bed looking every bit the miserable patient when Ryan entered the room. The area above her left eye was covered by a thick patch of gauze, her top lip was bruised and swollen, and her right wrist was elevated and wrapped in a compression bandage, but none drew as much attention as the scowl on her face.

“Wow, do I even want to ask about the other guy?” Ryan’s grin drew one of her own, in as much as she could through the sting of her lip. “I’m hoping you feel better than you look.” He pulled a chair up to her bedside and sat close.

“Explain to me again how it is you managed to score a woman like Jenny with that charm.”

“I tease out of love- and because there’s little you can do about it at the moment.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Just remember, I have a long memory. And I may have a head injury, but I’ve been assured there’s no permanent damage.”

“We’re very happy to hear that.”

“We?”

Espo pushed the door open enough to slide through. “Yes, we. You’re a sight for sore eyes, girl.” He stepped up to the bed and kissed her forehead, looked at Ryan and offered a nod. “Now, who do we need to pay a visit to for this mess?”

“You’re looking at her.”

“What the hell happened?”

Kate shook her head, mired again in her own stupidity. “I just never saw him coming. One minute I was at the light, and the next, the car was spinning.” She winced as the unconscious movement of her arm sent pain vibrating through her wrist. “He drove through the light, but-” She hesitated. “I just never saw him.”

“Asshole.” Espo was fiercely protective.

“I haven’t really been sleeping, but I should’ve seen him.” Her voice was faint, unsettled, and her words directed at no one, as though she were trying to understand, to piece together exactly how she’d arrived at this moment.

“Beckett, all that matters is that you’re okay,” Ryan told her.

“Yeah, thanks.” She wasn’t sure how much she believed it right now, but she knew he was sincere in his sentiment. “Wait, how did you guys even find out about it?”

“Gates told us. We called in from Taryn Thorne’s place when you didn’t show and she’d just heard the news, I guess. Espo has to call her back and fill her in, actually. She wanted to know how you were doing.”

“Right, yeah. And I, uh- I called Castle too. He didn’t pick up but I left a message for him to call me back.” Espo wasn’t entirely sure how Kate would react to it, but he didn’t feel sorry he’d done it.

“He’s been busy lately, finishing the book and stuff.” Even now, after the events of the last two days, of the last few weeks, she was still trying to excuse away his absence. And, honestly, she knew it was an easier way to get out of having to say anything more about it. “Did you guys find Taryn?”

“Gates sent us in, but there was no one at her apartment. We waited for a while, but nothing. We’ll head back later and try again.”

Kate hated being away from the job, especially when the case was beginning to move in a forward direction, however slight. “I’m sorry you guys have to handle this alone.”

“Don’t do that, Kate. We’re all partners here.” He leaned in and placed another kiss to her forehead. “I’m gonna go call Gates. Ryan, I’ll meet you outside.”

“Thanks, Javi.”

Ryan stood and pushed the chair back against the wall as Espo stepped out. “Don’t worry about anything except feeling better, okay? We have you covered for as long as you need. We’ll call you later with any updates.”

He made his way toward the door. “Thanks. Oh, and, Ryan, for the record, I know exactly why Jenny loves you.”

They exchanged smiles and he went, leaving Kate to think about the case she was maddeningly unable to work, and to wonder whether or not anyone would hear back from Castle.

**xxxx**

Kate’s night in the hospital was much like her recent nights at home, too little sleep and too much frustration. She had a nurse in her room every couple of hours, thanks to the concussion, and her sprained wrist pulsed with ache. And as if her physical discomfort weren’t enough, her brain kept sending her back to the last time she’d been in a hospital- and had very nearly died.

She was cranky come morning, exhausted in a way she couldn’t think of words to express, and beyond ready to go home. And that’s exactly where she had to go, her doctor’s orders in no uncertain terms, for the next several days. He instructed her to schedule a follow-up appointment, and she promised him she’d call to set it up once she got settled at home. She cursed herself over and over for getting herself into this. She had no time for any of it.

“You ready to go, Katie?” Jim pushed the wheelchair toward her and she huffed audibly.

“Seriously, dad?”                                                                                      

“Sit. Rules are rules. I believe you know a thing or two about those, _detective_ Beckett.” He knew it was all driving his daughter nuts. She always wanted to be so strong, dependent upon no one. Reluctantly she sat, and he kissed the top of her head for her surrender. “Home it is.”

**xxxx**

“Dad, would you stop snooping around my kitchen, please?” She was outstretched on the couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table, and she could see everything he was doing: opening cabinets, pulling out drawers, hovering in the light of her bookended refrigerator and freezer doors. “You’re driving me insane. That’s the fourth time you’ve opened that thing. What do you think’s changed?”

He tossed her a fatherly look of disapproval, the whoosh of the appliance’s doors blowing lightly on his face. “Katherine Houghton Beckett, you have no food in this house. Explain yourself.”

“Well, dad, since I’m neither on a witness stand nor six years old, I suppose I don’t really need to explain, but if any reason will do, how about we chalk it up to ‘Kate’s very busy’ and move on.”

“Hey, you’re still my daughter, no matter how old you are, and I’m allowed to worry. You’re everything I have.”

She watched his expression turn from one of displeasure to one of palpable concern. “I’m sorry, dad. I know. I have a lot going on right now, and I just don’t need anything else piled on. This is really hard for me.”

He walked over and sat down on the coffee table in front of her. “Let your old man help you out, Katie. At least let me go pick up a few things for you at the market down the street. If you agree to that, I’ll agree to leave you in peace for a little while.”

“How could I say no to such a beautiful offer?” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks, dad.”

Jim got up and headed for the door, grabbed her keys off the counter and dropped them into his pocket. “Oh, wait a second, speaking of helping you out, did Rick come by the hospital yesterday? I’m surprised I haven’t seen him.”

Kate dropped back against the couch cushion. She should’ve expected he’d ask the question. “No, I was really tired, dad. Maybe later, though.”

Such a ridiculous lie.

“Good. Okay, I’ll be back in a bit. You, rest please.” He pointed for added effect.

She got up as soon as the door closed and locked behind him, made her way through her bedroom and to the shower. She couldn’t wait for the hot spray to hit her body, to wash away the layer of hospital film that now felt like a second skin. She stepped closer to the mirror, the brief glimpse she’d gotten of herself as she’d passed startling in its reflection- colors of red and blue and black, like the brushstrokes of an abstract painting. Everything looked broken. Everything felt broken.

The sting of the hot water cut at her body’s ache, drew tears of both relief and strain, and she let them come, welcomed the release of fight, if only for a few moments. Her eyelids were heavy with the weight of sleepless hours, and while she wanted to remain there, still, until the water ran cold, her run-down body wouldn't capitulate.

Kate dried off as best she could with one functional hand and dressed comfortably in loose clothes, the clatter of Jim in her kitchen echoing down the tiny hallway. “I’ll be right out, dad.”

“Feel better?”

“I feel a bit more human, if that counts for anything.”

“It does.” He approached and kissed her on the forehead. “And you still look beautiful, if _that_ counts for anything.”

She winked. “It does.”

“So, I have a meeting at the office and I have to get back. I put everything away as best I could. It’s not much but-”

“Dad, thank you, for everything.”

“I’ll call you a bit later and check in, but if you need anything, don’t wait, call.”

Kate walked him to the door, her arm in his. “I won’t, I promise. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

In the kitchen she found fresh fruit and wheat crackers, among other random items he’d purchased, and she had to laugh. It was, probably, more food than her kitchen had seen in months. She put water on the stove for tea and sliced up an apple, not entirely certain she wanted either, but she suspected her father would know if she didn’t eat something, at least. He had a way about him.

She went back to the couch to eat in quiet comfort- no books, no television, her phone charging up in the bedroom. But as she picked up her mug for her very first sip, she heard a knock at the door. She ignored it at first, really in no mood or position for company, but it came again, louder and more urgent. He must’ve forgotten something when he left.

She shuffled across the floor as the noise continued, constant. “Geez, Dad, okay, already!” she said, pulling the door open briskly. But it wasn’t her father on the other side.

Castle was the very last person she expected to see.

 


	5. Chapter 5

A surge of anger rushed through Kate, the sight of Castle standing at her door one she would’ve happily welcomed just days before, but one that now caused her jaw to clench and her heart to pound like it might burst from her chest. She’d given him every opportunity, every chance to talk, to try and discuss whatever the hell was going on with him, with them, but he’d completely shut her out each time. Yet here he was, now, at her door, looking at her like _that_ , like he’d looked at her for four years- in the very way she’d come to crave. And all she wanted to do was slap him across the face for it.

“What’re you doing here, Rick?” Her voice carried with it no endearment, her use of his first name rather than his last purely a means of punctuating her exasperation. She stood firm in the doorway, her arm extended across its entrance, her able hand pressed firmly against the frame, her goal beyond any other to prevent her knees from giving way beneath her, her body in no state of preparedness for the unexpected encounter.

“Kate, your face, your-” He took a step toward her, but immediately thought better of it and stopped his motion, her expression not at all agreeable. His eyes drank her in, her savage beauty despite the visible battle scars, and he could feel his pulse bounding furiously- both relief and fear its catalyst. “Last night when I talked to Espo-” He paused and released a firm breath of air, as though his body had demanded it in order to go on. “I just had to know you were okay. I had to see you and-”

“Last night?” She looked up at the ceiling and then down at the floor, at nothing at all, anywhere but in his eyes, hurt suddenly battling with anger for a position inside her. “Well, thanks for rushing right over. Your concern is noted.” She reached back across her body for the door. “And now you’ve seen me, and I’m fine, so I’m pretty sure we’re done here, Castle.”

She had the door halfway closed when it hit the palm of his outstretched hand, the force enough that the wood vibrated against her own. He pushed back against it, against her determination to shut him out. “Kate, don’t. Please.”

“Don’t what, Castle? Don’t push you away? Don’t act like I don’t care? Don’t shut you out like it means nothing? What, you’re the only one who gets to do what he wants?” She turned her back and walked away in need of space, left him standing alone in the doorway.

“You think this is what I want?” The roar of his words echoed off of every wall, as he stepped inside and let the door slam shut behind him. “I don’t want any of this, Kate.” Heatedly, he followed after her as she disappeared into the kitchen.

“Yes, you’ve made that quite clear, for weeks, and, you know what, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t spend every minute of every day wondering what the hell it is I did wrong. I can’t keep chasing you around for answers, which works out perfectly for you, I guess, since you clearly don’t want to give me any. So, consider yourself off the hook, Castle. If you’re done, I can be done too.” She felt sick the moment she said it, the thought that they were done thoroughly crushing.

He dropped his hands to the kitchen table and clutched its edges, lowered his head for a moment in a futile grab at composure. How the hell had they gotten here? How the hell had everything that’d taken so long to build crumbled to dust so quickly? “I was just so scared, Kate, so goddamned scared. All I could think about last night when I heard about the accident was the day you were shot, when I thought I’d lost you forever.” He straightened his body, moved in close to where she stood, her arms folded across her breast- clear body language, which he ignored. “I _was_ there last night, at the hospital. Of course I was there, Kate, my god. But the nurse wouldn’t let me see you- some ridiculous bullshit about visiting hours or not being family, I don’t even remember.” He ran his fingertips across the skin of her exposed forearm. “I was there, Kate.”

There was a discernible quiver in his downhearted tone, but she pulled away still, shifted around the table so there was comfortable space between them again. She couldn’t be that close, and she had to fight to stamp out the shiver his touch had sent through her body. “That was _one_ night, Castle. Where have you been for all the rest of these days and weeks? I can’t just forget all of that because I got in an accident and you had some need to make yourself feel better by checking in on me.”

“Do you honestly believe that’s why I came? So I could walk away for good with a clear conscience? Is that really what you think of me now?”

She shrugged her shoulders with detachment. “I don’t know what to think anymore, Castle. At this point, I’d probably believe just about anything’s possible.”

It tore him up inside, the place they were in, the level of palpable disconnect. But he knew if he started down this road, he wouldn’t be able to stop, wouldn’t be able to hold anything back- not anymore. It was all too close to the surface, too raw. Seeing her as she was, bruised and broken, was more than he could stand, and everything in him wanted desperately to help make her whole again, as he’d always tried to do. But he’d already made his choice- one born of necessity, he’d convinced himself. He’d walked away because he’d thought it the easier path. And yet here he was, just hours after he’d quit all of it, standing in front of her, wondering how he’d even made it that long without her.

Neither of them spoke, as though each waited for the other to whisper the magic words that would fix everything. Kate pushed up onto her tiptoes and perched herself on the kitchen table, her long legs dangling over the edge, her back to Castle who still stood on the other side. She picked at the bandage around her wrist, an ineffective distraction from the wordless void, while he studied a cluster of her damp hair that danced precariously along the edge of the cliff that was her shoulder.

“Why did you come here, Rick?” She didn’t look up, didn’t turn around. “I don’t understand any of this.” The weariness, both physical and emotional, radiated from her.

Without warning, his mother’s words about regret swiftly invaded his brain and thrust him onward without any opportunity for deliberation. “Because since the moment we met, Kate, I’ve never been able to stay away from you. Because no matter how hard you’ve pushed, no matter what obstacles or truths I’ve had to face, no matter how much it’s hurt, I can’t be without you.”

Kate curled her legs up onto the table and spun slowly to face him. “What truths? What’re you talking about?” However curious she was, her tone still carried a bite, and though she’d heard the entirety of his answer, the weight of it hadn’t yet begun to register.

He swallowed hard, his mouth instantly dry with doubt. Had he already said too much? Beads of sweat joined together in a rambling line above his lip, her fierce focus on him the root of his body’s sudden lack of balance. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.” Her eyes remained locked on his, the insistence in their stare unwavering. “What truths, Castle? I want to know what you meant.”

A single chuckle escaped his throat, though its origin wasn’t rooted in humor. “What _you_ want. Right.” The words fell bitterly from his mouth.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You wanted to hear about truths, Kate. Well, there’s one for you. I know now that what I want and what you want are two very different things.”

“That’s funny. I don’t recall having a conversation recently about what I want. Actually, I don’t recall having many conversations recently, at all, Castle. How is it you think you know so well? Where did this revelation come from?”

She pulled unintentionally at her wounded lip with her teeth- the damn nervous habit- and cringed at the sensation, her eyes slamming shut at the burn.

“Oh, Kate, do you-” He couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t stop himself for one minute, wanting to be what she needed.

“I’m fine.” She dismissed him, sliding from the table and moving for the freezer. She reached inside for some ice, dropped the cubes into one of the plastic bags from the fruit her dad had bought, and pressed it against her mouth. She leaned back against the counter, waiting for him still to offer a response to the question she was certain he didn’t even know how to answer. She shook her head. “We always do this. We always dance around everything. It’s fucking exhausting.”

“It is.”

“So, what is it that you want, Castle?”

It was all practically bursting from within him, and while he knew it wouldn’t make any difference, her mind obviously made up already about their future, he had to release it, had to let it go before it ate him alive. “What do I want, Kate?” He paused to swallow down the lump in his throat. “The _only_ thing in my life I’ve ever wanted more than you is for you to want me too.”

God, he felt nauseated and faint. Hearing himself say it aloud, to her, knowing how she felt, was like feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest. “And I know you don’t.”

“How do you-”

“I heard you that day, Kate, in the interrogation room after the explosion in Boylan Plaza- with that complete stranger. I heard you tell a damn bombing suspect, a criminal, how you remembered every second of the day you were shot by that sniper. Every second. Like you’d said it a thousand times before.”

“You-” The force of his admission hit her like a freight train barreling down a track, the wind knocked thoroughly out of her, the tears already beginning to form and tumble.

“And I had to hear it from behind a wall of concrete and glass, as a consequence of your anger and your frustration. You used it as a tool, Kate, as a weapon against a damn suspect, and I had to walk away from that room and act as though nothing had changed, as though my entire world hadn’t just caved in. You knew exactly how I felt. You knew I was in love with you, and for a whole fucking year, you didn’t say a thing.”

Her legs went weak, her body trembling from the jolt of confusion and fear.

“And, you know, I was stupid enough to believe that I could pretend. Like you. I told myself the work was more important. I fooled myself into thinking that I could still be around you all the time and not feel anything. Fucking ridiculous. None of this has ever been more important than you and it never will be, and I’m sick of lying to myself about it. I’ve done it for too long. So, I want you to know that I get it now, Kate. I really do. But I’m certain now I won’t survive you if I continue to go on every day like nothing’s changed.” His throat began to close around his words as he felt the inevitable end draw near. “And if you knew what it was like to feel this way, you wouldn’t expect me to.”

She hadn’t said a word in what felt like hours. He hadn’t let her, and maybe she deserved that. But there was so much inside her that she’d saved only for him, so many things he didn’t know or understand. She felt like such a coward, tears cascading down her face as she stood there silent.

“I need to go,” he said, backing away slowly, savoring every last second, despising every step. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”

How could he not see? How could he not understand? How could he not feel it?

“Castle, please don’t go, not like this.” She followed his path as he moved toward the door. “Please, you don’t understand.” She reached out for his arm, shuddered in pain as her injured wrist butted up against his body. She crouched down and dropped to the floor, nearly all of the energy she had left expended in her effort to simply remain awake in the aftermath of the last few days.

His hand was already at rest on the doorknob, but he stopped and turned back, kneeled down next to her on the floor. “Understand what, Kate? What else is there to say?”

Every day she’d heard his words play over and over in her mind. _Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate_. Every second she’d spent recovering in that hospital bed, every time she’d closed her eyes, or felt the sunshine on her face, or the grass under her feet, they were there with her, as though he were whispering them again from above. Every minute away from him in those months existed with his voice echoing in her ears. But there was hurt and grief and anger. He’d held her back. He’d made the choice for her. He’d stood in her way. And then it wasn’t just her mother that was taken from her, but her mentor, her friend, and she couldn’t see around it.

That wasn’t how she wanted them to begin, trapped in the memory of one of her worst days, in the shadow of such pain. So she’d run, but she’d brought his words with her and kept them close, her invisible talisman for the battle ahead. It wasn’t just her mother she had to fight for anymore, to summon the strength for; there was love- his love- what she’d wanted most but hadn’t yet known how to accept.

Kate swiped the back of her hand across her upper lip and cleared away the amalgam of liquid that’d settled there, tears and the perspiration of nerves. Too worried she wouldn’t be able to speak at all if she looked him in the eye, she settled on a spot in the grain of the wood beneath her, its random swirling pattern comforting in its accessibility. “Maybe I did this all wrong. I just wanted…I wanted to be better for you than that.”

He reached out, attempted to draw her chin upward with his finger, but she fought against his touch. “Kate, look at me.” He lowered himself fully to the floor and pushed himself toward her, closing the gap between their bodies. “Look at me.”

She yielded to his persistence and lifted her eyes to him. “I wanted to be better,” she managed faintly, through the quake in her voice.

“God, Kate, listen to me. And I need for you to hear me. There is _no_ version of you that I don’t thank the universe for every single day, and if you’re trying, somehow, to be better than the extraordinary woman I’ve been blessed with for four years, to be more, then that failure is mine, not yours.” He tucked a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. “If I’ve ever made you feel like you weren’t enough, like you were too broken, like you needed to change anything about who you are, I’m so deeply sorry.”

She grabbed for his wrist as he dropped his hand away, his words of apology for her own self-doubt the very last thing she needed from him. “Castle, no. That’s not- you don’t need to apologize.” Her fingers squeezed his in an expression of emphatic reassurance. “Since I lost my mom, no other person in my life has made me feel as safe or as special as you have. You didn’t do this. I’ve learned a lot from these months in therapy, about myself and my fears and how they’ve affected my decisions and my path. I built the wall around myself, Castle.  You’re the only one who’s ever seen over it, and that still scares me sometimes. Until you, I didn’t know what it felt like to need someone.”

He watched her speak with such genuine surprise, her seemingly offhanded disclosure one he didn’t expect. “You’ve been in therapy? Since when?”

“Pretty much since the shooting. The NYPD told me I had to talk to someone if I wanted to come back to work and not have to sit on my ass behind a desk. So I did, and when that was over, I decided to stay.”

Kate didn’t tell him everything about her life, didn’t have to, of course, but he couldn’t help but feel a modicum of disappointment that she hadn’t shared something that important. “Well, I’m happy you found someone who helps you,” he said, his words peppered with both melancholy and envy. He knew he wasn’t qualified to give her what she needed, especially in the immediate aftermath of the shooting, but it still made his heart sick to have to accept that he couldn’t be the one. He wanted to give her everything, see her through everything, make her believe everything would be okay. “Are you still seeing him? Or her?”

“I am.”

“Have you talked about this- us? Or, well, me? My god, they must hate me for making everything worse. Or love me, I guess, if they charge by the hour.”

That was him. He did that for her, always, brought her light. And that tiny glimmer of _her_ Castle amidst all of this darkness felt like the brightest sunshine. “Honestly?”

“I’d like to think honesty is what this entire conversation is about.”

She nodded in agreement. “Then, you and, yes, us are an important part of nearly every conversation I have with him. And, just so you know, it doesn’t work like that, Castle. He makes no judgments about you or about anything else he hears. He just wants to help me help myself.”

“You do understand how much I hate that it isn’t me, right? That I can’t be the one to do that for you.”

“Why do you think I stayed with him, Castle? I stayed because of you.”

It hit her all at once what that must’ve sounded like. “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I stayed _for_ you- for us. Those first couple of months after the shooting, I was really lost. And I didn’t have you.  Yes, I realize that was my own doing, but I thought it was going to make everything easier. I realized very quickly how wrong I was. And then I just felt ashamed about how I’d left things, and I needed help to figure out how to make it right, how to allow myself to feel happy with you and, at the same time, feel like that wasn’t a betrayal of my mom.”

“I just want you to be happy, Kate. Wait, hang on, let me clarify that statement with the qualification that I’d like it to be with me…yes, so, I just want you to be happy, Kate- with me.”

“Your selflessness has always been one of your most attractive qualities, Castle.”

“Honesty, remember?”

“Honesty,” she agreed.

He took her injured and wrapped wrist in his palm and held it gingerly, ran his thumb over it with care. “Does it hurt?” He thought back to the previous night, how he’d been unable to see her after the accident, how sick he’d felt.

“It does, but that helps, thank you.” It wasn’t the first time his touch had brought her comfort.

Her eyes found his and she slowly shifted position. She used her free hand to push herself forward and, realizing her intention, he curled his arm around her in aid, pulled her forward up into his lap. It was graceless, the picture of her body and his coupled awkwardly in the middle of the floor, but it felt true in its disarray. Her fingers clutched at his shirt and he held her close, one hand secured against the back of her knee. “I don’t want to lose you, Castle,” she whispered against the warm skin of his neck.

He rocked their bodies softly, unknowingly, and they remained there, in gentle motion, until the sound of her phone echoed from the bedroom and drew their attention.

“Do you need to get up and get that?”

Kate drew her head back and looked up at him. “I don’t want to move,” she murmured indulgently, too tired to get up on her own and too enamored of her current position to contemplate any other. He smiled back at her with absolute understanding, pressed a kiss against her forehead. “Rick-”

He offered a hum of acknowledgment.

“If it’s not too much trouble, would you kiss me? Please?” It was barely audible, but it hit him with the intensity of a thousand amplifiers.

His eyes traveled a wishful path to her mouth. “Kate, your lip, I don’t want to-”

Her eyebrows crept upward as she purposely interrupted his thought. “You…don’t want to?” Teasing him was always one of her great pleasures. “Okay then, forget it.”

His hand cupped her cheek, his gaze ferocious. “I’m quite certain it would scare you silly to know just how wrong you are in your assessment of me and my level of desire to kiss you. In point of fact, there are few things I’d rather do, but _those_ things require that you have two functioning hands.” He was toying with her, too, giving right back what she’d given him. She knew it well, their game, but he’d spoken so sincerely, in such seductive tone, her body couldn’t help but react.

“So, then?”

“So, then…” He lifted her cautiously from his lap, his legs numb from time and arrangement, and he rose from the floor with a sigh of age. She looked on in wonder, his plan unclear, if such plan even existed, until his hand reached for hers and pulled her up beside him. “Come with me.”

He had a plan, and she didn’t hesitate for a moment to follow wherever he was going to lead. She submitted to his gentle tug gladly. It was just hours ago that she’d truly believed she might never see him again, and now here he was, his hand in hers, guiding her down the hallway toward her bedroom. He’d never set foot in it before, but the mere notion of it aroused her, had done so numerous times in daydreams she could never share.

“Please ignore the mess,” she warned, as they approached the threshold, her mind buzzing with anticipation- of what, she wasn’t entirely certain, but it didn’t seem to matter.

They stepped inside and he swept the room once with his eyes, took in everything that was her space. She allowed him the moment, the room new to her now, too, Castle standing beside her there for the first time. He moved in close, used his fingers to glide her robe from her shoulders and drape it across the end of the bed. “You know, even if there _was_ a mess in here, which there isn’t, the only thing I’d see is you.” She felt the back of her neck flush pink. “Get in, Kate.”

He slipped off his shoes and unbuttoned his plaid overshirt as she climbed into the bed from its foot. She settled on one side and he joined her from the other, pulled her curved body into the soft arc of his own with an arm that held her snugly in place against him. He nuzzled against the back of her neck, his warm breath tickling her skin, her hair fanned out along the pillow above.

And all was quiet- the city, the room around her, her thoughts- quieter than they’d been in weeks.

“Rick,” she whispered, her heartbeat racing. “I heard you.” She’d wanted to say it for so long.

She felt light, the words freed from their cage inside, once and for all, the moment right to give them over to him. “And I love you, too.”

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Kate’s phone rang for the second time just before 6 PM, nearly three hours of solid sleep after Castle had brought her to bed. She jerked awake, her body in the very same position it’d been in when she’d drifted off, enveloped in the curve of his. She reached for the nightstand to answer, but the sound stopped, the call lost to the sluggishness of her waking haze, and she grumbled in frustration at its most inconsiderate intrusion.

Her bedroom was tickled with shadows, the city night just beginning its crawl inside, and there was quiet all around her, so much so that she was able to discern each drip of her bathroom faucet into the basin below. She rolled onto her back in a welcome stretch, and an ache-filled _hiss_ escaped her lips, her injured wrist trapped messily beneath her. Extricating it, her eyes fell to the space in bed beside her, the space once occupied by the weight of his body now empty.

Kate pulled her body upright and sat, legs crossed, elbows at rest on her knees, her focus trained on the crumpled sheet of the unexpected void. Fear and sadness overtook her, her fingers returning cold from their exploratory trip across the cotton. But it had to have been real. It couldn’t have been a dream. There was a weight gone from inside her, a hope in its place she could literally feel. Only Castle held that key. Only Castle.

She leaned back against the headboard and grabbed for her phone- maybe he’d called or written, she didn’t care which. Two missed calls and a series of text messages awaited her, none of which originated from him. She considered tossing the phone aside and ignoring all of it, but one of the calls was from her father, and she knew better.

He hadn’t left a message, so she entered the requisite keystrokes and dialed him back. A part of her wished he wouldn’t answer, wished she could simply leave word after his clumsy outgoing message that she was fine, comfortable, without need. He picked up after the second ring. Of course.

“Katie, hi,” he said, sounding stunned, as though she were the last person he’d ever expected to hear from, as though he hadn’t seen her in ages. “How’re you feeling? Did you eat?”

Two sentences in and he’d already brought up the food. She wasn’t at all surprised. “Hi, dad, I’m feeling fine right now, thanks. I had an apple earlier, yeah.” She hadn’t actually gotten around to eating it, but that conversation wasn’t going to happen. “And I just woke up, so-”

“Oh, sweetie, did the phone wake you? I’m so sorry. That was stupid of me.”

“Dad, don’t worry about it, really, it’s-”

The squeak of distant floorboards distracted her from the rest of her thought and she fell silent. She watched the doorway and waited, not frightened, but on the pins and needles of anticipation. _It had to have been real. It couldn’t have been a dream._ And when he appeared, she was struck with such overwhelming gratitude, with such relief, she nearly cried out.

Her father’s _Katie? Are you there?_ reverberated from the phone held loosely at her ear, but she’d forgotten all about him. She smiled widely at Castle and he at her, his body leaning against the door frame, entirely real. He motioned with his hand, an unspoken signal, a reminder to her of the phone she was holding and of the clearly impatient party waiting on the other end.

“Oh, dad? I’m so sorry. I need to go take care of something. Can we talk later?”

Castle looked at her with wondering eyes, his presence, perhaps, an intrusion on a moment she’d rather he not be around for. Kate held up a finger, a gesture insistent upon his staying right where he was.

“Is everything okay, Katie? Is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, dad, I just need to…go.”

“If you say so. Though you don’t _sound_ okay. Maybe I should stop by on my-”

“ _No!_ I mean…that’s really not necessary. I’m just going to go back to sleep, anyway, maybe have a cup of tea first.” She only wanted Castle. “Really, dad, I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”

She couldn’t hear it, but she felt it- the defeat. He wanted to take care of her, not something he often found himself in a position to do. “The morning it is, then, I guess. But if you need anything tonight, no matter what time it is, you call me.”

“I will. Thank you again for all your help today.”

“I love you, Katie. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Love you too, dad. Bye.”

She released a voracious yawn and dropped the phone onto the bed in front of her, not yet ready to dive into the collection of text messages that also awaited her. Certainly not with Castle standing near enough that she could smell his clean skin. “Hi,” she said, her voice demure, perfectly girlish. “You gonna stand over there and watch me all night, or what?”

“If you’d let me, I would. You look more beautiful than you ever have.”

“Right,” she chucked. “I look like Frankenstein.” She patted down her hair and touched lightly at her forehead, the bandage gone but the skin swollen and rough. She was familiar with the texture in a way she wished no one ever was, or ever had to be.

“You look breathtaking.” He said it because he believed it, not because she needed to hear it.

Kate grinned faintly and tucked the sheet up around her waist. “Come over here, Castle.” The light of the room was shifting with each passing minute, but she could see him as clearly as if it were day, the pierce of blue, the soft shine of pink- handsome, arresting.

He climbed into bed with her for the second time, somehow even more remarkable than the first, and she reached out her hand for his, his warm fingers weaving a path between hers. They sat shoulder to shoulder in the stillness, their minds overflowing with too many words to say.

“You looked so tired. I’m glad you were able to sleep,” he said, finally, needful of the release.

“Yeah, I haven’t been sleeping these last few weeks. Even a couple of hours felt good. Seems I have you to thank for that.”

He knew it wasn’t an accusation, but a pang of guilt struck him, nonetheless. “Well, any time you’d like me to help make you feel good, please let me know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she told him through a perceptible smile, her hand playfully squeezing his. “I, um, I thought, when I woke up- I got scared that I’d dreamt this, that none of it had really happened. When I realized you weren’t next to me, I felt scared. I’m really glad you’re here, Rick, that you’re real.”

He took a notable pause, let the words wash over him. “I like when you say it like that.”

“Say what?”

“My name, when you’re not angry with me. You make it sound soft. I like that.”

“Well, I’ll remember that. You know, should the occasion ever arise again.”

“Touché, Katherine, touché. I must say, you’re pretty funny when you haven’t slept for weeks and when you’ve been in a car accident and look like Frankenstein. Still not as funny as I, but…” He trailed off and let her laughter fill him up. “Hey, why don’t you let me make you something to eat, hmm? I snooped while you were sleeping and actually found things that weren’t surrounded by Styrofoam.”

She wanted to offer a clever retort, but, honestly, she was famished and food sounded divine. “I’d like that, actually, _if_ you eat with me.” It was such a simple thing, sharing a meal, yet they’d done so little of it that didn’t involve paper wrappers and pint-sized cartons- besides the fact that she found the image of him cooking for her terribly sexy.

“Oh, I look forward to it. Especially since I already know what we’re having. Come on!”

He slid from the bed and came around to her side, helped her up and out and back into her discarded robe. Her hand in his, they moved into the kitchen, his excitement bordering adorably on that of a child’s on Christmas morning. “So, how do you feel about breakfast for dinner? You love it, right?” He hadn’t even allowed her a second to formulate her own response.

“I think it sounds delicious, as long as I don’t have to be the one to make it.”

“No, no, no, you go over there and sit down, relax, and I’ll take care of everything. It’ll be ready before you know it.”

Kate slipped back into the bedroom to retrieve her phone, the text messages she’d ignored thus far popping back into her mind. She was working a case- now, sort of working a case, thanks to the damn accident- and she was curious to see if she’d gotten anything from Ryan or Espo.

She padded into the living room, phone now in hand, and glanced into the kitchen, Castle already immersed in the task at hand. Somewhere, she had no idea where, he’d found an apron and it hung loosely from his neck. She didn’t even know she owned an apron, but, in that moment, she was very glad she did, and she managed to snap a photo without him knowing. For later. “You aren’t going to burn down my kitchen, are you, Castle?”

“Very funny,” he called out, without breaking focus. “That only happened one time and it was years ago.”

“You know, maybe I should write a book about you one day. They’d put it on a shelf as far away from the self-help section as possible, no doubt.”

“Quiet, or there shall be no french toast for you.”

Kate sat across the room on the couch and opened her messages. Lanie had checked in, Gates had ordered her not to return to work until the following week, but she’d done so in a surprisingly compassionate way, and Espo had sent the four or five others, all but one of which were related to the Talia Thorne case. She assured Lanie she was fine, didn’t mention Castle or anything that’d happened since she left the hospital- for now, she thanked Gates and let her know she’d keep her informed about the doctor’s recommendations, but she decided to call Espo back, wanted to talk through it instead.

“Hey, girl, how’s your vacation?”

“You know me, the proverbial slacker. Any excuse to get myself out of doing any real work.”

She looked up and Castle was watching her, curious, interested, as he always was. She grinned and he reciprocated, not at all bashful about having been caught.

“I just saw your messages. Sorry, I knocked out for a bit.”

“Glad to hear that. Hell, if I’d known all it’d take for you to relax for a few days was a concussion, I’d have hit you over the head with something years ago.”

“That’s sweet, really.”

“That’s what partners are for. Hey, speaking of which, did you ever hear from Castle? He called me last night. He was really worried about you.”

She really wasn’t ready to discuss what’d happened with Castle. Eventually, yes, but not now, and certainly not with him standing just a few feet away. “Can we just not talk about that right now? Tell me what’s going on with the case.” She took a quick peek, and Castle was at the sink, his back to her. Soon. But not now. 

“Sure, yeah. So, we sat on Taryn’s place yesterday after we left the hospital and we got her. Came home just after nine, reeked of pot, got completely hysterical when we told her about her sister. Just lost it. We brought her in and she ID’d the body. Said she hadn’t seen Talia in a couple of weeks but hadn’t thought much of it since she disappeared with her boyfriend like that all the time.”

“Jimmy said he thought Micky and Talia’s relationship might’ve been more than just friendship.”

“Yeah. Apparently Talia thought so. Her sister definitely said it was a boyfriend. She never met him though. Guess Talia didn’t spend much time at home, from the way it sounds.”

“Anything on Micky? Where he might be?”

“We’re workin’ on it. And Taryn’s making us a list of any of Talia’s friends and acquaintances she can think of. Didn’t know how helpful she could be, but she said she’d try to come up with somethin’. And, we ran Jimmy, just in case. He came back clean- an arrest for drug possession when he was younger but it was just weed, no big deal.”

“Okay, well, keep me posted. I have to be out a few days, doctor’s orders. I’m already clawing at the damn walls.”

“No problem. Hey, hang on one- _I’m trying to have a conversation here, Ryan, do you mind? Okay! Shit, bro_ \- Ryan hopes you feel better. Christ. Please get back in here soon.”

“Try not to kill each other until I get back, okay?”

“No promises. I’ll call you tomorrow. Get some rest. ‘Night.”

“Thanks, Espo. G’night.”

She hung up and cleared out the remaining text messages, deleted Espo’s earlier voicemail as well, the call she’d chosen to ignore from the warmth of Castle’s lap. It was like missing a limb, being away from the 12th, feeling what once filled that space but was now gone. It was days, just a few days, she knew, but it was a balance thrown off, a chink in the armor, a test she’d already taken once and passed.

She dropped her head back against the top of the couch, her feet balanced along the edge of the coffee table. Her eyes fell closed as the subtle scent of spice wafted toward her from the kitchen. When she opened her eyes again, Castle was leaning above her, his lips pulling back from her forehead. “Hey- I, did I fall asleep?”

“You did.” He smiled because he couldn’t help it. “You ready for some dinner? Or breakfast, as it were?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Smells good.”

“Stay here, I’ll bring it over.” He went to the kitchen and prepared them each a plate: french toast with cinnamon, scrambled eggs with tomatoes and peppers, and fresh fruit. Jim had unwittingly provided him with everything he needed to assemble a perfect breakfast feast.

He returned with a plate in each hand and silverware in his pocket, setting everything down in front of her with beaming pride and a hint of conceit. “Bon appétit.” He moved to sit and then remembered. “Oh, wait…” He’d made her a fresh cup of tea, the mug she left behind earlier cold and unworthy of rescue. One final run to the kitchen and all was perfect- the meal, and the companion.

“Castle, this looks incredible,” she told him, as she inched off of the couch and onto an oversized pillow on the floor. He followed suit, empathetic of her current physical constraints. “My dad would be very proud, not only that I’m about to eat this amazing meal, but that you created such delights with his hodgepodge of ingredients.”

“It was nothing, really. But, I’ll be more than happy to let you thank me properly later.” He winked at her and she rolled her eyes- the reaction he’d expect, though she secretly relished the idea. “So, I wasn’t trying to listen in or anything, but you were talking to Espo about the case? About that woman at the motel?” It made him sick to remember how he’d left the motel that night, and the back of his neck grew hot as the memory flashed across his mind.

“Yeah, we were able to ID her and locate her sister, and the boys are checking into a possible boyfriend who’s also missing at the moment but…” She hesitated, stopped her thought mid-sentence. “You know what? I don’t really want to talk about work or the case or Espo.” They rarely had time together like this. This was new and different and she didn’t want it to be about anyone or anything else.

Castle pushed a chunk of egg around the plate with his fork. “When you, uh, when you told him you didn’t want to talk about it, did you mean me?”

He’d heard plenty.

She put down her fork and sipped her tea. “I did, yes.” Today was about honesty. “Look, Castle-”

“They probably hate me, too, for being such a jackass. Can’t blame them for that, I suppose.”

“They’re just protective, Castle. They know me too well. And, of course they don’t hate you; they just don’t understand what’s going on. I’ll talk to them. _We’ll_ talk to them, when the time is right. Tonight wasn’t that time. Let’s just see how things go for now.” She reached out her hand to him. “They don’t hate you, I promise. Just make sure the Ferrari’s gassed up.” She offered her own wink, and he pressed his lips to the back of her hand.

**xxxx**

“A man who cooks _and_ cleans is a man I want around,” she uttered, her belly satiated, her head angled against the soft curve of his shoulder. “So, what’s for breakfast?”

“Ha,” he chuckled, his body vibrating from the sudden burst. “Does that mean you want me to stay?” He tried to ask the question without revealing the underlying screams of _I want to stay. Please let me stay_. But they were there, and they were roaring.

“I want you to stay.”

He turned and kissed the top of her head. “Come on. Let’s go dream.” He got up from the couch and helped her do the same. They turned the lights out as they moved and wandered together back into the darkness of the bedroom. It was still early by any normal day’s standards, but this day wasn’t at all normal. She flipped on the light in the bathroom and prepared for sleep, and he perched himself on the end of the bed and waited, listened to the sound of her in her ritual. It was silly, he knew, the amount of joy he took in being present for something so mundane, so regular.

She emerged moments later, her form in silhouette against the light. “I found an extra toothbrush for you. I left it on the sink.” She walked past him and around to her side of the bed, pulled her phone out of her robe’s pocket and plugged it back in on the nightstand to charge. “If you need something else, let me know.”

“Thanks.” He stood and turned to her. “I’ll just be right back.” He sounded nervous. He was nervous. Talking himself down from it was futile.

He disappeared behind the bathroom door and took a deep breath, the scent of her in every particle of the air around him. That wasn’t helping. He stepped up to the sink and splashed cold water against the too-warm skin of his face, stared himself in the mirror in silent meditation- _Calm down. Calm down. Calm down_. He opened the fresh toothbrush and coated it, spent more minutes brushing than was necessary, lost in thoughts of what waited for him on the other side of the door.

She was in bed when he finally came out, the sheet on his side turned down and ready for him. He removed his shoes and his jeans and climbed in next to her without a sound. He rotated onto his side, as she was, and scooted in close, their knees kissing beneath the covers.

“You tired?” she murmured, the delivery of her words clear evidence of her own weariness.

“I’ll get there. You sleep and I’ll be right here.” He brushed his thumb along the soft skin of her cheek.

“Rick?”

“Hmm.”

“What happens tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together.”

**xxxx**

It was early. Too early. Early enough to warrant a grumble until she felt the warmth of his palm against the exposed skin of her lower back. It wasn’t a hint or a suggestion or an overture- he was asleep, not even aware. It just felt true, right.

She’d imagined it before, what it might be like to wake with his body next to hers, not as a result of such unfortunate circumstance as kidnapping, but out of want. Her insides fluttered with the realization that anything she’d dreamed up paled in comparison with the actuality of this moment.

Kate remained still, anxious as she was to turn and face him, to watch him sleep until the assertive light of morning forced him awake. His fingers twitched involuntarily and it tickled a chill up her body, her subsequent giggle only partially stifled by the pillow beneath her.

“What’s so funny?” he mumbled sleepily, the sound of his voice startling her.

“You tickled me.”

“You’ll never be able to prove that, Detective. Your case, I surmise, is very, very weak.”

She rolled over gratefully, his hand never leaving her skin, merely gliding over the curve of her hip to the flat of her belly. “My case is like no case you’ve ever seen, I can assure you.” Apparently, subtext waited for no dawn.

“Well, that sounds- ”

“Castle, I want to take you somewhere,” she blurted, stepping on his forthcoming retort. “Is your car ready to go?”

He pushed himself up slowly, his weight on one arm. “ _My_ car? Then I think what you meant to say was you’d like me to take _you_ somewhere.”

She pursed her lips in disapproval and he apologized, his fingers tracing diversionary lines up and down her forearm. “Where are we going?”

“Yeah? You’ll go with me?” She trapped his traveling hand with her cheek and kissed it softly, her lip tender but her excitement overcoming the obstacle.

“Wherever you lead.”

“It’s where I was when I knew, when I really knew this was what I wanted- that you were what I wanted and what I wanted to fight for. I want to take you to my dad’s cabin.”

He couldn’t speak right away, her words overwhelming to hear and even more so to try and process. He lowered himself back onto his pillow, his eyes on hers without breach. “But don’t you need to see the doctor for a follow up? I want to make sure you’re-”

“My appointment isn’t until Monday. I don’t want to sit around and mope until then.” She leaned in close. “So you’ll come?”

He was absolutely powerless against that face, that voice, that dangle of hair tickling his bare skin.

“What do I need to pack?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

They spent the next morning hour together in bed, her head perched against the warmth of his chest, his legs enveloped by the silk of hers, hands in perpetual motion drawing lazy circles along patches of exposed skin. It was a new day. It was a new them, and though neither knew exactly what that meant, what that picture looked like, they were joined now in the unknown, together. On this day, that was enough.

Castle contracted the muscles in his legs with as much subtlety as he could muster, her position against his body one he wished neither to alter nor disrupt. He wanted badly to stretch- the type of ferocious stretch that made one thankful for the arrival of morning- but the perfume of her hair and the velvet of her elbow and the nip of her toes- seductresses, all. His stiff body was terribly and deliciously outnumbered.

“Can we just never move?” he sighed into the hush of the room, his voice still raspy from lack of use. He could feel the shift of her cheek muscle, her smile form against his chest before she spoke.

“Well, I can think of at least two issues with that scenario: One, we have an agreed-upon plan for today that requires we not only move from this bed, but also this city.” She turned her head and let her chin come to rest just below his clavicle, her eyes traveling the line of his jaw, the curve of his lower lip. “Two, the level of resistance it would require of me to remain still against you in this bed for any considerable length of time is one science has yet to successfully measure. And I’m a wounded bird, Castle. You wouldn’t want me to over-exert myself and become even more injured, would you?”

He swallowed with a _gulp,_ like a young boy anxious to finish the last of his milk before being allowed to go out to play. She wasn’t playing fair. At all. “Let me think.” He pursed his lips and arched his brows in feigned contemplation. “Okay, so, of all the items on the Richard Castle’s Wants list, you being hurt again appears exactly never times.” He pulled his hand from underneath the sheet and gently cupped her cheek. “Never. Not ever again." It was an order. It was a plea.

“I’ll do my best, I promise.” She pulled away suddenly and rolled upright, her feet dropping to the floor and into her awaiting slippers. She scurried around the bed toward the bathroom, but before closing herself inside, she looked back over her shoulder at his tranquil form. “Come on, Castle, let’s get out of here, out of the city. Oh, and, by the way, I’m definitely interested in hearing more about this whole Richard Castle’s Wants thing later.” She ducked into the bathroom and his mouth fell open, his reply but a broken chain of incoherent and dopey sounds.

**xxxx**

Martha and Alexis were shuffling about their customary morning routines when Castle sashayed into the loft, proud as a peacock, keychain swirling in a loop around his finger, lips puckered in whistle. He pushed the door closed firmly behind him, no care or consideration for the day’s early hour and the potential consequences of the resulting _slam!_ No, Richard Castle was on cloud nine, delivered there by Kate Beckett in a most surprising and unexpected turn of events, one that neither he nor any of his fellow mystery writers could ever have penned more perfectly.

Alexis’s head snapped around in reaction to the unexpected commotion, her trip to the sink with her breakfast dishes halted so abruptly, she nearly walked into the edge of the adjacent counter. She needed not say anything at all, her adolescent face wearing her condemnation like an elaborate Halloween mask. But, he deserved it, deserved to get as good as he’d be giving if, in that same scenario, their roles were reversed.

“Really, Dad?” She hollered across the stretch of the loft’s open space. “ _Another_ walk of shame?” She turned away and continued into the kitchen, her head noticeably shaking back and forth.

“Yes, darling,” Martha chimed in, “I’d ask, but I’m quite certain I really don’t wish to know.” She brushed her hand through the air as though she were shooing away a pesky insect, one she had no time for.

Castle approached the two, banded together by their mockery, his one-foot-already-out-of-town grin now beaming only on the inside. “You, young lady, are still six and in ballet class doing twirls in your pink tutu, and I’m going to choose to ignore all the words that just came out of your mouth.”

“It must be nice living in that FictionLand of yours all the time, Dad.” She turned off the water in the sink and toweled off her hands.

He looked to his mother, who chose to offer him no aid whatsoever, merely shrugged and sipped at her morning coffee. “Such hostility for such an early hour, daughter.” He tossed his keys onto the counter and reached for Martha’s glass of juice. The liquid was nearly between his lips when he pulled it away and set it back down sharply. “Also, what do you mean _another_?” he griped, jumping back to Alexis’s wisecrack.

Alexis’s attention shot immediately to Martha who stood and hurried away from them both, like a thief with his bag of loot.

“Oh, I get it. Sounds like _someone’s_ been opening her giant thespian mouth again.”

“You ain’t gonna pin this rap on me, kid,” Martha called out whimsically, her head buried in the newspaper, her attention set on absolutely nothing there at all.

Castle nodded, somewhat charmed by their teamwork, but entirely lacking in the time required to continue a battle he knew he’d never win. “I see how it is with you two. Don’t think I don’t see it.” He backed away slowly in the direction of his bedroom. “Gotta go!” He pointed over his shoulder and scampered off without another word.

**xxxx**

The bar of soap had left streaks on his skin; that’s how quickly he’d showered- so quickly that his arms weren’t even fully wet when he’d attempted to clean them. The funny part was that he had time. They weren’t on a schedule. Kate had sent him home to clean up and to pack a bag. She hadn’t instructed him that it was to be treated as some sort of game show where a prize awaited the fastest team. But, there was a prize, for him. It was her, and she was waiting. He didn’t need incentive to get back to her in a hurry. It was his heart’s imperative.

He was half-dressed over a bag filled with far too many changes of clothes when the knock came. “Come in!” he yelled, as he disappeared into his closet once more.

Alexis saw the bag on the bed before she saw him and she looked on in wonder. “Dad?”

“Yeah?” The muffled reply sounded like it came from a mile away.

“What’s going on? Are you-”

He emerged from the closet with a stack of folded jeans and tees piled up in his arms, his mouth hidden behind the mix of denim and cotton. He shuffled over to the bed and freed himself of the burden, her confusion growing deeper by the second.

“You’re going somewhere, I guess?”

“Astute, Alexis, yes. That private school of yours has been worth every penny. I _am_ going somewhere.”

“And this somewhere is…”

“Where I’m going.” He grinned at her smugly, having won that point. “Will you be okay for a few days?”

Her forehead crinkled as she took an unnecessary moment to think. “Yeah, sure, Gram’s here.” He was being entirely too secretive. She wasn’t worried about him, necessarily, she was just damn curious. “Is everything all right?”

He pulled on a tee and slipped on his shoes, managed to stuff enough clothing for a week into a bag made for half that. Today, he could do anything. He yanked the bag off the bed and kissed Alexis on the forehead. “All right doesn’t even begin to cover it. I just need these few days. Call me if you need anything, okay? And keep your grandmother in line. You know how she gets.”

“Okay, Dad.” He was moving a mile a minute. She had no time to formulate any substantive thoughts or questions.

He dropped his bag near the front door and went back to the counter for his keys. He scribbled a note for Martha on a small pad of paper they kept in one of the kitchen drawers: _Call me if you need anything. I’ll be back in a few days. And keep your granddaughter in line. You know how she gets. Love you._

He headed for the front door, stopping to retrieve his overworked bag and to kiss Alexis who stood above it. “Love you,” he said, and he disappeared into the unknown.

She didn’t even have a chance to get out a goodbye.

**xxxx**

Castle reached across the center console and ran his fingertips softly along the edge of Kate’s thigh, her eyes focused on the passing landscape out the window next to her. “Hey, you okay?” She hadn’t spoken a word over the past twelve minutes- he’d been keeping track for some inexplicable reason- and he wanted to hear her voice, all of his senses in hyper-awareness mode, like if he didn’t find a way to confirm she was actually there with him at regular intervals, she’d disappear in a puff of smoke.

Kate hummed in acknowledgement, not the response he’d hoped for, not the most reassuring reply, but when she turned and he saw her bright eyes gazing back at him, he was certain- she was real.

“You’re very quiet. Having second thoughts?” _Please, no!_ His heart screamed. The instant the question came out, panic set in and he began holding in his breath. There was no observable evidence of it, but he did, as though he’d just driven by a cemetery and remembered the rule in that old wives’ tale kids used to talk about.

“No, of course not, Castle. Why would you ask that? Are you?”

He chuckled out the repressed air in his lungs. “I’m sorry. I assumed the viselike grip I had on your leg after I asked would’ve made it clear how desperately I wanted you to say no.” He flipped his hand over atop her thigh, presented her with his palm in an unspoken request for her own. She offered hers gladly, their fingers sliding together like pieces of a puzzle, a fit intended to be. “And, just to be clear, just so you can hear me say it, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be at this moment. That is my first and only thought. Okay, well, not _only_ because you smell incredibly good right now. But you get the point.”

She leaned slowly back against the headrest and she angled toward him. “I’m not the only one,” she said, more a purr than not, words filled with a want of show more than tell. “I didn’t mean to be so quiet. It’s just…I was remembering the last time I was a passenger on the trip up here. It’s hard- still.”

“I wish I was-” He stopped himself from saying it. She already knew. “If there’s anything I can do to help make it easier for you, Kate, please tell me.”

“Thank you, Castle. You already are, really.”

The radio began to sputter and hiss, the signal for whatever station they’d been tuned to having been swallowed by the change in geography. Kate freed her hand from his and reached forward for the buttons, any button at all to end the bothersome screech. With the second flick of her finger, she landed on an oldies station, and she nearly slid off the leather seat with excitement.

“Oh, Castle! This is the stuff we used to listen to when we’d drive up here.”

“Yeah? Tell me.” He realized she might welcome the distraction. And, the voice, he wanted to hear that voice.

“Well, I’m not sure he’d ever admit to it now, but my dad used to sing to us, to me and my mom. They had this little game they’d play together, and each time a new song came on, they’d take turns singing- like a challenge to see who knew the words to more songs.”

“That sounds really sweet. I like that.”

“Yeah, my mom had a beautiful singing voice, Castle. She didn’t think so. She was always shy about it, but it was true. My dad, on the other hand, not so much. But, he didn’t care. All he wanted was to make her smile and laugh. And he did- both of us.” Again, her focus wandered to the passing world outside. “Like you said, it really was sweet.”

“Hey, speaking of your dad, did you tell him where you were going? That you were leaving the city?”

“I haven’t called him yet, no.”

“Kate,” he chided, “you were just in an accident two days ago and he’s been taking care of you. You don’t think he’s going to worry when he doesn’t hear from you this morning and _then_ finds out you’re hours away? If Alexis ever did that, she’d never hear the end of it.”

“And did you tell your mother where you were going?”

Caught. “Well, I left a note where she’ll probably see it, I think,” he stammered, leaving out the part that he’d purposely neglected to indicate where he’d be. “And, besides, I wasn’t the one nearly killed.”

Kate rolled her eyes, which he couldn’t see but could definitely hear. “A bit melodramatic there, Castle. Nearly killed?”

“I rounded up for effect. It’s my writer way.”

“You don’t say. Look, I’ll call him when we get there, okay? I just want to actually get there first.”

“Impatient, are we? GPS says only about 60 miles to go. Relax and enjoy the spectacular view, as I am.” He glanced over, his eyes traveling suggestively up and down her seated form. “And, tell me another story.”

**xxxx**

“There it is,” Kate pointed, the driveway just ahead but hidden somewhat from view by the soft bend in the road. Castle slowed and peeked out his window, eager for a glimpse, but the cabin was set back far enough that it was difficult to see much of anything at all except the mixed hues of green from the trees that insulated it. “Welcome to paradise, Castle.” And for her, it was.

The driveway stretched out before them with its weatherworn dips and its rebellious sprigs of errant grass, wispy clouds of dust from the stir of tires floating up beyond the car’s windows. Kate sat forward in her seat, her fingers with a grip on the dashboard. “Just pull straight up to the front,” she instructed, when the house finally appeared in full above the horizon. “We can put the car in the garage later, if you want.”

He could hear it in her voice, the change that’d already washed over. It was the sound of calm, the one that comes from being home. He stopped her as she unbuckled her seatbelt and he reached out and caught her arm as she shifted to open the door. “Hey,” he said, his tone soft with affection, “come here.” He leaned in toward her, his eyes fixed on the soft pink of her lips in the shadow of the invading purple of the days-old bruise. She met him in the middle, knowing well what he wanted and craving the same, their mouths brushing delicately and pulling back, sated, for now. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

She smiled. “Come on. Let me show you.”

**xxxx**

Kate climbed the steps onto the front porch and pulled the keys from her pocket, fiddled with them until she came upon the one marked with a ‘C.’ Her mom had labeled it for the cabin when Kate was young; Kate’s job when they’d arrive to run ahead and unlock the door for her parents whose hands would always be filled with bags. It made it easy for her to find the right key quickly. Her mom always came up with good ideas like that. Now, seeing the letter there made her smile for another reason as well, him.

She opened the house and looked back over her shoulder, the screen door propped open against her elbow. “You comin’, pokey?” He held a bag in each hand, and a third was squeezed between his ribcage and his arm, one he appeared to be clinging desperately to as he tramped along the stone toward the steps.

“Hold your horses, slacker,” he retorted. “I’m carrying all your stuff too, remember?”

“Oh, all _my_ stuff? Shall we take a moment to compare bags? I mean, did you think we were going to be moving in, Castle?”

“Hey, I’ve never been here before, okay? I had no idea what I’d need. Cut a city boy some slack, would ya?”

She smirked and waved him inside with a dramatic swoop of her arm, laughed when he moved past and stuck out his tongue at her. “Just drop the bags right there, city boy. Wouldn’t want you to injure a typing arm, now, would we? I assume you packed your typewriter? I mean, from the looks of it-”

“Ha, yes, very funny.” He closed the gap between them, stood just inches from her. “Where’s your bedroom, Kate?”

“My- bed-I-” Her entire body felt instantly hot, as though she were standing directly in front of a raging fire without the protection of safety gear.

“Guess I know how to get you to stop talking.” She bit at her lip anxiously. “Maybe I should write this down…after you give me the ten-cent tour.”

She cleared her throat and looked down at the floor. “The, uh, tour, yes. I can do that.” She really hated her broken body at that moment. _Hated_ it.

**xxxx**

The cabin wasn’t at all what Castle had imagined. Kate hadn’t shared much about it over the years, but just the word _cabin_ , for him, came with a certain set of presumptions, and mistakenly so. It wasn’t a large home, but the space was utilized well, and it took full advantage of its own assets, practicality clearly a Beckett family trait.

It smelled in every room of fires past, a gentle aroma that wrapped the air like a blanket, one you wanted around you even when you didn’t need it. Kate held his hand as they walked along the photograph-lined hallway and through each creaking door, even tighter when she felt momentarily dizzy as they paused in the great room to take in the exposed beams of wood across the high ceiling. The spell passed just as quickly as it came on- more than likely a lack of proper food- and she tugged him back toward the front door eagerly, her most favorite part of the house saved until the tour’s end.

“Close your eyes and stand right here.” She pivoted his body and maneuvered it just so. “Don’t open them, okay? Not until I tell you to.”

“Promise,” he agreed.

She tiptoed away and skittered across the smooth, wide plank floor to a set of drapes along the far wall. They were always kept closed when the house was empty. She grabbed one in the middle and walked it aside, then did the same for the other. It took her breath away every time, that first glimpse, that first taste of the outside coming in. “You can open,” she told him, backing away so his view wouldn’t be at all obstructed.

“Wow, Kate, it’s incredible.” He took a step forward but stopped almost immediately, not yet ready to move on from the panorama as it was.

He could see for what felt like miles, across the open room, through the oversized sliding glass of the wall, along the beams of the deck, over the expansive lush grass of the lawn, and into the dense hemlock and fir trees lining the back of the property. The day was grey, and he could only imagine what the same experience might be like in the light of dawn or dusk. “I don’t want to stop looking at it. I think it might have magical powers. Can I just spend the next few days standing in this spot?”

“Once I grew tall enough to take it all in at once, I felt the exact same way. I used to bring a book in here with me and just stand there.”

“The city has some exquisite views, I’ll give it that. But, this is truly stunning, Kate. I actually feel like it’s trying to seduce me. And I must admit, I’m not playing very hard to get.”

“Is that so?” She moved back across the room toward him. “Maybe I should write _that_ down,” she teased, stepping into his body for a hug.

“These are going to be some very interesting lists.” He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “So, what does a guy have to do around here to get something to eat? Speak slowly and be specific.”

She drew in his scent as she settled against his chest- laundry soap, subtle spice, clean. “Well, he’s gotta have a big…appetite, he’s gotta have a firm…grasp of kitchen fundamentals, and he’s gotta have a tremendous desire to…cook. Do any of those things apply to you, Castle?”

“If by _any_ you mean all, then, yes. I have a big, firm desire.”

“Then, we should get you to the store down the street and satisfy it.” Her hand drew up under his tee and she scratched her nails lightly along the small of his back.

 “You don’t play fair, you know that?”

“I give as good as I get.”

“Well, we can go, but, uh, I think I’m going to need a minute or two.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

“What did he say? Is he sending out a hunting party for me? How much is the bounty?” Castle called out to her with a nervous chuckle from behind the screen door where he thought it might be safer. They’d returned from a quick trip down the street to the local market for food supplies, and Kate had left him inside with the bags while she’d stepped out to the front porch to phone her father, a call she’d put off for far too many hours of the day already.

“Less than I imagined, actually. Maybe if you manage another best seller, he’ll bump you up.”

“Ah, my work is never done,” he offered in a sigh, pushing the door open and stepping outside. Kate’s body was perched on the wooden porch railing, her back pressed against the flat of an ornately carved support beam. “So, was he angry?”

Kate looked out across the expanse of the front yard. “I didn’t tell him.”

“You didn’t tell him? That you came up here? I mean, I figured he’d be worried but-” He stopped abruptly in the middle of his thought. She hadn’t yet turned to look at him, her eyes seemingly lost in the panorama of greens and browns before them. He realized then what she’d meant. “You didn’t tell him you were up here with me. Is that it?”

“He thinks you’re Lanie,” she told him, with a trace of audible disappointment in the admission.

“Too tall, not enough cleavage, and an Adam’s apple are but a few of the many problems with that assertion.” He snickered at his own attempt at humor, but it drew no such reaction from Kate. He took position across from her against the railing, their knees making soft contact as he sat. “You don’t have to share your reasons with me if you don’t want to, but may I ask why you chose not to tell him?”

“I don’t even know what happened, Castle. He asked, well, demanded to know who the hell would let me leave home while I was still recovering, and I just blurted out her name. It was like I was fourteen all over again and I’d gotten caught sneaking out to meet Logan Michaels. I’m sorry. I feel ridiculous. I’m not-”

He reached over and drew his hand across her thigh. “Hey, I know. It’s okay, Kate. I didn’t tell my mother or Alexis either. They know I’m away for a few days, but that’s all I said. And given the nature of my discussions with my mother recently, I’m pretty sure the last place she’d ever think I’d be is with you.”

Thunder rumbled from somewhere in the distance. “Apropos timing, Mother Nature,” Kate snickered. “I can only imagine how I fared in those conversations.”

“You had your therapist. I had Martha Rodgers. Granted, you actually _wanted_ to talk about it, but- I bet the combined notes from all of our sessions might overlap a few times. Just look at us now, though: here together, on a porch in the wilderness awaiting an impending storm, a box of dry penne in the cabinet, a $10 bottle of wine breathing on the counter.”

“You mock. But I love all of it.”

He stood up and moved in closer to her, brushed his finger along the curve of her cheek. “Want to know which part I love?”

“No,” Kate teased with an admirable pout.

“No?” He recognized the game, his thumb tracing the line of her lip gingerly. “I think you do.”

She hated when he was so goddamned right. And when he clearly knew it. “You think a lot of things, Castle. Too bad more of them can’t be right. It’d really help with the precinct’s closure rate.”

He puffed out a breath in exasperation. “Now you’re just being mean. Now I don’t want to tell you.”

She eyed him mischievously. “No?” She lobbed the ball back in his direction, the match now surely on. “I think you do.” She pushed herself from the railing and grabbed him at his waist, one hand tight, the other delicate with injury. “Hmm?”

He turned his head and huffed, purposely included a tiny noise of rejection.

“Come on. You can even whisper it in my ear. You did that once, long ago- gave me goose bumps. It was very…memorable.”

His head snapped back to attention. “Really?”

“Do it again.” It came out as a request, soft and casual. That’s how she played it. But to her body, it felt more like a demand, a craving, a need.

“Fine, but I’m not going to like it.” Liar. He knew damn well he was going to love every second of it.

“I understand. Now, come on. Whisper it.”

Her hair was pulled up, loose and off the smooth of her neck, a few soft waves hanging around her face- stray and yet, to him, dangling there more perfectly than she ever could’ve orchestrated. He pushed a few aside, her ear angled toward him, waiting for his words to come. He bent lower, her ballet flats creating a notable difference in height between the two, and he pushed in, licking his lower lip in preparation. She smelled of sweet vanilla in the light breeze, and he could feel her breath quicken as he could his own.

“I hope you’re listening.” He paused. Calculated torture. “The part I really love is…that view out the back. Let’s go and take another look.” He stepped around her and back through the screen door into the house. He smiled as he turned to watch her standing there, still. “Hey, beautiful. Get in here.”

She grinned faintly. And she complied.

He’d done it again.

**xxxx**

“And how’s the patient doing today?” He hadn’t even said hello first.

Kate sat alone on the sofa, while Castle worked in the kitchen nearby. “She’s just fine, Espo, thanks. Sore and a bit more purple than she was a few days ago, but fine. I had a few minutes so I thought I’d check in.”

“Is that right? Just a few minutes? Busy night ahead at Casa Beckett? Do I need to be having a chat with your doctor?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “You need to be doing nothing of the sort, _dad_. I told you I’m fine. Can we move on?”

“Touchy, touchy, girl. For real, though, you need me to bring you anything? It’ll give me a good excuse to ditch Ryan and this d-bag, Cooper.” He looked over his shoulder to make sure neither of them had heard, not that he cared all that much. “I’m gonna strangle Ryan for bringing this guy in. Oh, but he sure has a crush on you. Asked about you a few times.”

“Did you tell him I was never coming back? If not, please do.”

“Not funny.”

She hadn’t thought. It was still surreal to her that actually almost happened. “Sorry, Espo. So, tell me, what’s my boyfriend doing there?” She could hear his smile through the phone.

“Bad news. Micky’s dead. Pulled him out of an empty apartment in Brooklyn a little while ago.”

“Wait- _what_? What happened? Why didn’t you call?”

Kate looked up to find Castle staring sternly at her from the kitchen. She waved him off like she was swatting away a hovering insect, and he threw up his hands in protest.

“Whoa, chill out, girl! You’re feisty today. We just got back in a few minutes ago, and you shouldn’t be getting so damn excited.”

“Espo, what the hell happened?” Frustration boiled up inside her. She wanted to be there. They needed her to be there, her team. Instead she was 150 miles away lounging on a damn sofa and staring at a glass of wine, a glass of wine she probably shouldn’t even be drinking in the first place. Ridiculous. She had no idea how to be away from the 12th, how to let it go, even when it was good for her.

“Overdose, it looks like. Heroin. Had holes all over him. Wasn’t pretty. Neighbor smelled something foul and called it in.”

“You sure it’s him?” A stupid question, she knew.

“We’re sure. Had a Rolex on- engraved, in case the driver’s license in his wallet wasn’t enough for us. A damn Rolex. I swear I’m in the wrong line of work.”

“Shit. Anything from Taryn’s list of her sister’s friends and acquaintances?”

“Still running it. She didn’t give us much. Mostly what we’ve heard is that people hadn’t seen much of Talia lately. We still have a few names to check. Ryan asked Cooper to look at the list too, just in case. Oh, and it looks like the guy he recognized from that motel security footage was one of Micky’s crew. We’re lookin’ to bring him in.”

“You guys notify Jimmy yet about his brother?”

“Call’s out.”

“Well, maybe you guys don’t need me after all. Especially not with Super Duper Cooper around.”

“Maybe you’re right. See ya.” He acted as though he’d ended the call and they both laughed, Kate’s guffaw once again drawing Castle’s attention from across the room.

“You’re on a disgusting power trip with me gone, Javier Esposito, and it doesn’t become you. Now, get back to work.”

“Sure you don’t need me to bring you anything?”

Castle made his way over and sat on the end of the sofa next to her, dish towel hanging from his shoulder, a dab of red sauce at the corner of his mouth, cheap glass of wine in his hand.

“I have everything I need here, thanks. Besides, I’m not even in the city. Call me tomorrow.”

“You’re-”

Kate hung up without another word, Espo’s forthcoming question dissolved in a click. She slid her phone onto the table and sipped from her glass. “So, my how’s dinner coming along?” she asked, wiping the spot of sauce from Castle’s face and pressing it to her tongue.

**xxxx**

“I could really get used to this, you know,” she uttered softly.

He placed a kiss near her temple. “Which part? Your body resting snugly against mine? My arms wrapped around you? Our breath simulta-”

“The part where you cook all of my meals.”

“You’re such a romantic, Ms. Beckett.” He tickled at her side and she squirmed against him.

“That other stuff sounds pretty good too, by the way. The real question is, though, how are you with fireplaces?” She sat forward and turned to him with hopeful anticipation.

“I’m a master, of course.” He shifted his position so he could stand. “Just point me in the direction of the switch.”

She gave him a nod, not at all surprised. “And to think, you were so close, Castle.”

“Aww, so close to what?” His tone was overly sulky, and yet real, and then, somehow, charming.

She crooked her finger at him in invitation and then tapped her hand on the cushion next to her to encourage him back down. He sat and she inched slowly along the leather until her body was touching his. “Well, you see, I told myself earlier that if you could build me a fire, on top of everything else- the meal, the cleanup, the body, the arms- I’d definitely let you get to second base tonight.”

Castle practically leapt from the sofa, already out of breath and looking frantically about the room. “Where’s the wood? No pun intended!”

She tried not to smile. Impossible. “It’s just off the deck out back.” She pointed and he took off like a shot, out the glass sliding door and back in, almost before she even knew he was gone. “Here, I’ll walk you through it, city boy.” She met him by the hearth, the old soot-covered stone climbing the wall all the way to the ceiling, the scent of the past stronger with each step she took nearer. “I have a lot of practice.”

Kate sat and watched as he followed her every direction, intent on making it the most perfect fire she’d ever seen. She suspected he knew precisely what he was doing, and he knew she did, but neither confessed it. “This thing’s going to be roaring in no time, you’ll see.”

“You did a very good job, Castle. I’m very proud of you- your _first_ fire.” She winked and he smiled back. “Want some tea? We can sit and watch this thing. Oh, and I have something I want to give you, actually.”

His eyebrows perked up. “That sounds promising.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed. “Why don’t you put on the kettle and I’ll be back out in a few minutes.”

He helped her up and kissed the back of her hand tenderly. She moved down the hallway to the back bedroom where he’d set their bags down earlier. There’d already been so many moments in the day she’d wanted to pull it out and give it to him. She’d covered it in ridiculous birthday paper, the only thing she was able find in her apartment when he’d left her briefly that morning, but she wanted to enjoy the adventure of him actually opening something, unwrapping the mystery, those seconds when he could only imagine what was inside.

She sat with it in the quiet of the room, remembering what it’d felt like in her hands on the night it’d arrived, like a book with only an ending. But now, here, this was how she wanted to feel in the moments before it became his.

She ran her fingers along the smooth paper and giggled at how silly it looked- balloons and streamers and confetti, party hats for added goofy measure. He’d surely make fun of it, of her, and she couldn’t wait.

“Hey, thought you might’ve gotten lost back there. I was about to call on MacGyver skills and come find you. Water’s on and almost ready.” He took notice of the package in her hand and he smiled all the way up to his eyes. “Well, well, what have we here?” He came around the counter, wanted to get a better look- nosy, entirely Richard Castle. “I hope that isn’t the reward for my cooking and fire building skills because you said-”

“I know what I said,” she assured him, with a look that made him believe it. “This is something else. You seem a bit too anxious to get at it, though. Maybe I should make you wait a bit longer.”

“You mean, like, until the water boils?” He was giving her puppy dog eyes.

“You have infuriatingly little patience for a man who’s raised a child.”

“Well, to be fair, she raised me, mostly, if you ask her- and my mother. Oh! There’s the water!” He shouted it as though a miracle had just occurred in their presence. “We bought two kinds. Which would you like?”

“I’ll take the green, please,” she said, heading over toward the sofa.

“Then green you shall have.” He finished pouring them each a cup and joined her by the fire. He pretended to be disinterested in it, sitting there in her lap, colorful and bright, calling out to him, but he was terrible at it and she caught every single peek.

“I sure hope you have more self-control in _other_ areas of your life, Castle.”

He understood exactly what she meant and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Now, this is something I found for you a while ago, but it just arrived very recently. Honestly, I’d kind of forgotten about it, and with everything that was going on, I wasn’t sure I’d actually have the opportunity to give it to you. I’m so very grateful that’s not the case because I really wanted for you to have it.” She handed the package to him, her heart jumping at the brush of their hands as she passed it along. “I hope you like it, Castle.”

“If it’s from you, I have no doubt, Kate.”

Yeah, this was exactly how she wanted to feel.

“Nice wrapping paper,” he teased. “I love that we’ve grown so close, we now exchange birthday gifts. Pin the Tail on the Donkey later?” She knew that was coming.

“Just open it, smart-ass, before I change my mind…about a lot of things.”

His fingers dug hastily into the folds. “Yes, ma’am.” He got the paper open and flipped over what was inside, looked up at her in heartfelt surprise. “Kate, this is a first edition _For Your Eyes Only_.” He cracked the book open to a random page, it didn’t matter which, the scent of the paper delighting his senses. “It’s beautiful. I’ve loved his work since I was a kid.”

Kate’s heart was beating so fast, happiness seeping from every pore. “I know you have. I hope you like it. I wrote a little something for you inside when you left this morning, if you look there in the front.”

He crooked his eyebrow. “You wrote in my first edition Fleming?” He wasn’t actually troubled by it, just having a bit of fun. She tilted her head and pursed her lips. “How about I just take a look? Yeah.” He opened the book’s front cover to find a small piece of pink paper, her words there handwritten:

_What I don’t know for certain is when or how. What I do know, beyond all else, is that I love you. You are everything my heart was missing and nothing I ever want to be without. I will always carry your beautiful words with me. May these words be a reminder of that. Today, tomorrow, and every day after, I am for your eyes only._

He didn’t speak, couldn’t speak, not right away, and she waited in the silence until she couldn’t wait any longer. “I spent so many days alone in this house after the shooting, Castle, and alone became lonely very quickly. I knew I needed time, but I underestimated how much I needed you. This place has a way of making everything more real, more honest, and I hated it, at first. And then I started writing every day- to you, about you, about my mom, and things just became so much clearer to me. I couldn’t ignore what I was trying so hard to hide away.”

Kate took his hand in hers, lifted it from the book’s cover. “I know I hurt you, Castle, very much. I don’t want you to think I don’t know and understand that, and my being hurt was no excuse for the way I treated you. It’s why I wanted to bring you here. I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am in the place that helped me to recognize and to face what I knew deep inside I’d wanted for so long. I know I can’t erase the hurt, but I wanted you to have that from me, _here_ , my apology. And maybe, like it gave to me, this house can give us a place to begin.”

His head was swirling with all of it. “God, I’m sorry, Kate. I want to say so many things; it’s hard to know where to start. I suppose with the easy part, which is how much I love this amazing gift. I will always treasure it and I thank you so much.” He set it on the table in front of them to free his hand to hold hers. “And your note, Kate, your words were more magnificent than any I’ve ever written. The fact that you wrote them for me is absolute proof that no man has ever been luckier.”

He paused a moment and looked around, took in their surroundings, memorized the dancing light of the fire, the hang of the drapes, the angles of the furniture. “There are many things I wish I’d done differently, Kate, both back then and over the past few weeks. I know I can’t change those things either, though I wish very much I could if it meant sparing you any pain. I wish I could have helped you understand why I did what I did in that hangar that night, helped you understand how much I loved you, that it wasn’t just words because I thought I might lose you. I wish you had let me in, Kate.”

His voice grew deeper with emotion. “All that time without you…and now, these past few weeks, after I heard you that day, the hurt just came bubbling back up to the surface and, this time, _I_ ran. I don’t want to do that anymore, Kate. I learned that I don’t like myself very much when I do. I’m not the man I want to be when I’m away from you.”

“You didn’t like me very much either.” She exhaled a muted laugh.

“No, but I loved you. That was much harder.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

He traced his finger delicately along the line of her jaw. “I guess what I’m fumbling through here is _my_ apology. You told me when we met that I wouldn’t want to be the guy who made your life harder. What an incredible understatement that turned out to be. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been that guy- especially that time you almost had to shave your head. Oh, and that whole Nikki-Heat-stalker-who-blew-up-your-apartment thing. That, too, wasn’t my finest work.”

“Well, I was meaning to redecorate anyway, so I guess it all worked out okay. You know, a wonderful friend once told me that I wasn’t having any fun until you came along. I had a hard time seeing it then, but he was right. Another one of the many things I admitted to myself in those months up here. Don’t apologize for being you, Castle. It’s the _you,_ I love.”

The fire was already burning down, left unattended as they spoke, its soft crackle soothing in the background. Castle leaned in slowly and Kate followed his lead, coming together forehead to forehead, breath mingling in the middle. “I love you, too.” He flinched suddenly. “Oh, Kate, your head. Did that hurt? I’m so sorry.”

She pulled back and felt at her skin with her fingertips. “It’s fine, Castle, really.”

“I suppose I should ask about your lip too.” He looked at it intently, hungrily. “Does _it_ hurt?”

She saw the look in his eyes, saw exactly what he wanted, and she longed for the same. She inched forward, ran the back of her fingers down over his lips and the curve his chin, across the smooth of his neck until she was clenching the sharp angle of his V-neck tee in her grip and drawing him in. “It’s worth the risk,” she whispered, and her mouth met his.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

An unrestrained moan trickled past Kate’s lips at the firm but welcome contact, the sensation of Castle’s velvety tongue mingling with hers more pleasurable than her body could manage to contain. She felt the defensive sting of her still-tender lip, undoubtedly, but from those few seconds of sharp awareness grew a resilience and a defiance born of startling want.

Castle guided her into his lap and she yielded without hesitation, his back pressed firmly against the sofa’s corner, his lips, insistent in their ambition, never relinquishing hers. His hands settled just below the curve of her hips, his fingers thrust covetously through the belt loops of her jeans, as hers tugged at the angled collar of his tee, its shape stretched and gathered away from his neck, the imprint of her fingertips left behind in the worn cotton.

Like two eager teenagers lacking time and restraint, their hands traveled over each other feverishly, their bodies fastened as unrelenting magnets. They separated only for need of air, only driven by the compulsion to look into the other’s eyes and to realize it wasn’t all a dream. It was real- every touch, every breath, every sound, every sensation; there, in the flickering shadows, in the splendor of their seclusion, in the afterglow of apology and acceptance and affirmation, it was finally real.

“My God,” Castle panted, too overwhelmed to keep it inside, “how the hell have I made it this long without tasting you again?” He drew her back in, already devastated by the seconds apart. “You taste like magic.”

“You feel like home,” she replied, her fingers kneading at the back of his neck, grasping possessively at the skin below the soft fuzz of his hair. “I thought I’d remembered what it was like, but-” He shifted ever so slightly beneath her and a wave of arousal rushed through her, the remainder of her words washed away in its wake.

He dragged his warm mouth along the silk of her neck, teasing it with the tip of his tongue until she shivered in his arms. “Tell me.” His tongue was on her again. “Tell me what you remember.”

“I can’t tell you anything if you keep doing that with your… _Rick_.”

His teeth bit gently at her earlobe. “Does that mean you want me to stop?”

“Don’t you dare. I can-” His hair was thick and soft in the grip of her fist, though she hadn’t any idea exactly when it was she’d taken hold. She took a deep breath, deep enough that she might be able to string more than a few words together. “I remember the way you looked at me in the light of that alley. I’d never seen your eyes that blue before. Your fingers got lost in my hair and tickled my neck. And the tip of your nose was cold against my cheek.” She leaned in and found his kiss-swollen lips, angled her position to meet them, wide and deep.

“What else?” His hands drifted under the hem of her loose top and skirted the waistline of her jeans- almost a dare. “I want to hear your voice.”

“You were softer than I’d ever imagined. And I’d imagined it. I had. I didn’t want to fucking think. I didn’t want to leave that moment. I just wanted to feel your lips, your tongue, your hands anywhere and everywhere. And then I wanted to do it all over again- somewhere, anywhere but there. And later, when you’d left and I’d gone home alone, I thought about you. I shouldn’t have, but I did. Because you’d demanded it without ever saying a word. Because I couldn’t convince myself to want to stop.”

She adjusted her body, her left hand against the strength of his shoulder for leverage, and lowered herself to his thighs, her knees bracketing his hips. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I wanted you? And then I wanted you even more?”

Castle’s warm palms climbed up the skin of her back, pausing at the lace of her bra, inching along its edge, lingering there in wait. She nodded her consent, her lip stretched between her teeth in anticipation of the freedom. “I want to see it,” he murmured, his voice awash in reverence, the evidence of that day in the grass months before marked on her skin underneath.

She curled her spine and sank into his body, her mouth at his ear. “Take me to bed and I’ll show you.”

Kate’s phone vibrated on the table, left behind as Castle led her down the hallway toward the bedroom.

**xxxx**

“No answer?”

“Nope,” Espo replied, setting his phone back up on the dash.

“Probably sleeping or something.”

“Yeah, sleeping…or _some_ thing.” The wheels in his brain were turning. “Not in the city, though.”

Ryan let out a groan of displeasure, an audible slap on the wrist. “Give it a rest, Javi. Beckett hung up on you, big deal. She’s not in the city, big deal.”

Espo’s mouth fell open, Ryan’s bite not something unleashed upon him often. “Well, excuse me for being concerned about our partner. She just got in a damn accident. Where the hell would she go?”

“I don’t know where the hell she’d go, Javi, but I _do_ know I’m not her dad or her doctor, so I guess I’ll just wait and see if she decides to tell me. And you should do the same. We already have one case to solve. Or have you forgotten?” He shifted in his seat, stretched his legs out in front of him as far as the limited space would allow. “My ass sure hasn’t. Where the hell is this guy, anyway?”

“Don’t look at me, bro. Your boy’s the one who said he’d be here.”

Ryan turned and batted his eyelashes, reached over to daintily caress Espo’s shoulder. “Aw, Javi, you know _you’ll_ always be my boy.”

“Get your hand-” Espo slapped his hand away and Ryan winced. “Creep.”

“Cooper’s kind of a prick, I know, but he’s trying to help us out. He said Abruzzo would show, so, I guess we wait.”

From their position in the car across the street from Jimmy and Micky’s club, they had fairly good eyes on the sidewalk out front. The line of people waiting to get in had already begun to form, twenty-somethings standing in cliques, sizing up anyone who crossed into their eyeline. Two sizable bouncers stood guard, one of whom Espo recognized from his initial trip to the club with Beckett, and the other who could’ve been his twin, their shaven heads, cartoonish muscles, and black uniform tees doing little to help differentiate between the two.

In the car with them, Ryan and Espo each held enlarged printouts of Dominic Abruzzo’s driver’s license and his previous mug shots, his arrests numerous and varied: robbery, possession of a weapon, possession of a controlled substance, assault, sexual misconduct- the list wasn’t pretty, nor was Abruzzo. He was missing two teeth and his nose had clearly been broken more than once, a scar branching upward from his left eyebrow one he seemed to wear with pride. He looked old for his young years- worn, beaten down by his choices, yet clinging to a false sense of superiority, the smirk in his most recent mug shot an unmistakable declaration of that.

“How the hell is this guy even still walking around?” Ryan looked to Espo but wasn’t really seeking an answer. None would’ve appeased him, anyway. “Sometimes I wonder why we even bother.”

“Chin up, bro, maybe today will be our lucky day.”

“Well, that’s uncharacteristically optimistic of you.” Ryan took pleasure in moments like this, rare as they were, his own outlook on things generally sunnier than his partner’s.

“I’m just ready to get the hell out of this car. All we’ve done is sit around and wait. I figure, put some vibes out into the universe, right? Desperate times, partner.” Espo pulled his phone down from the dash again and checked the time, the club nearly ready to open.

“We were both sitting right here, Javi. Beckett didn’t call. I didn’t hear it ring. Did you hear it ring?”

“Shut up. I wasn’t even looking at that.” He _was_ looking at that, sort of, hoping there might be a text message from her or something. He couldn’t help it. He felt that kernel of concern dancing around inside him. This was Beckett. The way she’d been different the past few weeks and then the accident- he really couldn’t help it.

“Hey, hey, hey! Is that him? Right there, next to the bouncer!” He quickly passed Espo the binoculars, his heart beating energetically at the real possibility.

Espo picked up the set of photos from his lap and examined them once more, alternated his view from the paper version of Abruzzo to the man magnified within the circle of the binoculars. “That’s him, bro. Let’s go get him.”

**xxxx**

The lamp next to the bed was switched on, left that way after Kate had retrieved his gift, the light muted by the darker tone of the lampshade. She stepped through the door behind him, their fingers woven together, the buzz of anticipation racing back and forth from one to the other and back again. Their bags rested against each other on the floor in the corner, a physical manifestation of their owners’ intent, their decision to be there, in that place together, as close as they could possibly be.

“So, do _you_ want to brush your teeth first or-” He smiled, taunting, and he tugged playfully at her hand until she came in close.

“I can go do that, sure. Or, I can do the other thing with my mouth that I’ve been thinking about.”

His eyebrows peaked with wonderment. “Okay, option B or Two or whatever designation you’d like to give that other thing you’ve been thinking about. That’s what I choose.” He stood ready, as though he were in a cafeteria line at school, an empty tray in hand just waiting to be filled. “Definitely that one.”

“A predictable but wise decision, Mr. Castle.” She pushed gently against the flat of his body with hers, guided him backward until his legs came into contact with the bed and he was compelled to sit. Her hands moved to his shoulders, her left cinched around the muscle, her right, wrapped and sensitive, propped cautiously.

Kate stepped between his thighs, their slackened position welcoming her, and she felt the twinge in their possessive response, relished in their perceptible claim of proprietorship over her body. His mouth was warm as she opened briefly to him, warm and anxious, and she fed his hunger. The room spun around her- the relief, the awe, the all at once improbability and inevitability of the moment nearly impossible for her mind to process.  Her eyes held steadfast to his, the dim light of their surroundings masking their deep blue, yet surrendering its power to their brilliance, which it couldn’t subdue.

Slowly she raised her arms above her head, an overture absent words, still articulate in its objective. A sliver of skin peeked tantalizingly from beneath the hem of her shirt and he trailed it with his fingertip, her subsequent shiver fueling his appetite for more. He drew lazy circles and abstract patterns all the way around her body until his hands met at the elegant dip in her back. “You’re so soft. I don’t ever want to stop touching you.”

“And I don’t want you to stop, but…”

“There’s a _but_? Why does there have to be a but?”

“All the blood is rushing out of my arms, Castle. Can you please take my shirt off already so I can actually feel them again? I’m definitely going to need them. And _you’re_ definitely going to need them.” She grinned flirtatiously.

“Oh, yeah, sorry!” He slid his hands upward along the skin of her torso, over each rib, over the lace he’d caressed moments ago, until he lifted the fabric free of her body.

She released a thankful sigh and lowered her arms to her sides. “Better, thank you.”

“You’re telling me,” he said aloud without truly intending to. His eyes were wide, awed, journeying along her skin, everywhere his hands longed to be. “I’m sorry. You’re just- I’ve dreamt so many times about what it’d be like to see you, Kate, to have you in front of me like this. It’s still hard to believe this is real.”

She ran her thumb along the arch of his eyebrow. She wasn’t entirely certain why. She wanted to experience all of him, she supposed. “You want to keep going? Maybe that’ll help convince you.”

She wasn’t really asking.

“Oh, I’ve only just begun here with you.” His thumbs were already at work on the clasp at her back, the modest tremble of his nerves tickling her spine. The black straps fell from her shoulders as he freed her from the lace’s hold, the bra dropping to the floor without drawing the attention of either. “Kate.” She stood half-bare before him, unveiled by his hands, revealed to him for the first time. The crest of her clavicle, the curve of her shoulder, the pale of her breast set off against the deep pink of evil’s permanent emblem- every inch captivated him. “You’re exquisite.”

Her chin dropped and her eyes drifted shut. “Even-”

No. He knew exactly what her mind was doing.

“Hey, look at me, Kate.” She did, without reluctance. “There is no _even._ This, everything I see, is you. The best you. The only you. I want it all exactly as it is. I love it all exactly as it is.”

She reached for his hand and gathered it into her body, held it beside her heart, against the spot that’d nearly ended them before they even began. “Make love to me, Rick.”

**xxxx**

“You’re going to want to put some ice on that,” Ryan said, a discernible grin on his face.

“And you’re gonna wanna shut the hell up,” Espo snapped back, pressing at the tender spot on his left cheekbone. “Or next time you won’t be so lucky.” He threw the car keys onto his desk and dropped into his chair with a _humph_.

“Luck had nothing to do with it, mi amigo. I was ready and you weren’t. Plain and simple. Maybe if you weren’t so distracted by this Beckett thing, you would’ve ducked in time too.” He perched himself on the corner of Espo’s desk, got a dirty look for it. “Maybe I can work with you on some moves to-”

Espo shot him daggers, his nostrils flared, his jaw clenched.

“Too much? Too much.” Ryan nodded, answering his own foolish question. “So, what do you think about this guy, Abruzzo?”

“I think I’d like to kick him into next week.”

“Get that, sure, mmhm,” Ryan’s tone utterly patronizing. “You think there’s anything to what he said?”

“I think he’d probably say just about anything at this point to avoid getting pinched. With his rap sheet? Only so much probation to go ‘round. We know Jimmy and Micky didn’t get along. That came straight from Jimmy’s mouth already. We gotta look into it, though. Let that a-hole stew in holding.”

“What’d he say that other kid’s name was? The one in the surveillance video with him.”

Espo picked up the interview notes from his desk. “Tony Gionta. Said he also goes by ‘Little T’. Lives in Jersey, supposedly, but spends most of his time here with the crew. Works at the club sometimes for Micky, cash- under the table.”

“I’ll run him and see if I come up with anything. We should get someone to his place in Jersey.”

“Yeah, I’ll make the call.”

Ryan turned for his desk. “You really should get some ice on that.”

“I said shut the hell up,” Espo grumbled, and he yanked his desk phone from the receiver.

**xxxx**

Castle’s chest expanded and contracted beneath Kate’s hand, his breathing more a gleeful pant. Kate’s hair tickled his underarm, her head settled against the dewy skin covering his ribcage. He didn’t dare move, their limbs left entangled in a pattern that might never again be replicated, and he wanted to revel in the euphoria of that moment as it was forever.

“Your heart’s beating so fast,” she whispered.

“If only you knew how many times you’ve been responsible for that.” Her fingers splayed out over his belly and circled gently, aimlessly. “Though, I will tell you without equivocation, this is my favorite.”

“And, here, all this time, all it took was a couple of orgasms. If only I’d known.”

“My God, please don’t say orgasms like that. Or in any other way right now. It sounds too fucking sexy and I need time to recover so we can do all of that again. And then again.”

Kate let out a soft chuckle, her warm breath sending a tingle across his skin. “Wasn’t aware there’d be rules, Castle. Since I’m not allowed to talk about that other word, can I talk about how incredible your body feels against mine- and on mine- and under mine- and in mine?”

“Jeez, woman, do you _ever_ play fair?”

“Because it does, you know…feel incredible. Like nothing ever has before. Ever.” She lifted her head and kissed his chest, let her mouth rest there, his scent, their scent, filling her. “How have we not done this sooner?”

“The universe can be inexplicably cruel. And now it owes us, so get ready for a whole lot of making up for lost time.”

“Yeah? How much lost time?”

“What do you mean?” His fingers traced repetitive paths through her unfastened hair, her eyes drifting closed at the pleasurable sensation.

“Well, I guess I was just wondering when you knew you wanted this. If there was a particular moment when you realized.”

He left her question unanswered. “Come up here first.”

“But I’m so comfortable,” she whined. “This better be good.” She pushed herself up onto her elbow and inched up his side, the whole of her body never breaking contact. “You rang?” she purred, her eyes exploring the curves of his lips lustfully.

Castle’s body ached again for hers already. Without a sound, his hands brushed across her cheeks and into the wild of her hair, directing her mouth to his, open and ready. She matched his fervor instantly, and their tongues danced as though choreographed- elegant, yet unbound by the constraints of a song’s limited moments. A sigh of pleasure escaped into the dark of the room, from which, neither knew. Kate squeezed unknowingly at the muscle of his upper arm with each dip of their mouths, her fingers leaving behind their impression on his skin like a tattoo.

They separated finally, necessarily, resentful of the need for air. “Was that a good enough reason?”

“I’d let you feel how good- ya know, if you weren’t recovering.”

An incoherent sound dribbled out of his slack-jawed mouth. “Wicked.”

“Hey!” Kate blurted excitedly. “Can you move? I want to show you something. Follow me.” And she slid out of bed.

**xxxx**

“Jersey City’s sending a unit to Gionta’s place. They’ll hit me back,” Espo hollered to Ryan, louder than he needed to, from behind the makeshift ice pack pressed against his face. His mood hadn’t improved much. It was late, he felt foolish and was probably going to look more so very soon, and they were waiting. Again.

He walked to the board and pinned up Gionta’s photo amongst the few that were already hanging there. “Real charming bunch we have here. Probably all knee deep in it. Wonder who’s gonna get tossed under the bus first.”

“Someone’ll crack,” Ryan assured him. “Someone always does.” He stood next to Espo with his arms folded, wearing an expression of certitude. “My money’s on Abruzzo.”

“Punk bastard,” Espo seethed.

Ryan looked at him sideways. Big baby. It was just a punch. He wasn’t crippled, for crying out loud. “He’ll jump at a deal. If these guys are involved, he’ll roll. He already gave us Gionta _and_ tossed Jimmy’s name into the mix. Wasn’t very boys’ club of him. Put me in the box again with him and I’ll get it.”

“Ate your Wheaties today, huh?” Espo snickered. “No way in hell you’re goin’ after that guy without me.”

“Whatever.”

“Whatever nothin’. This is us, bro. Without Beckett, it’s you and me. Oh, and I got $20 on Little T.”

Ryan nodded and turned back to the board. “It’s a bet. Now, let’s go over what little we’ve got.”

**xxxx**

“Help me grab these,” Kate called out from one of the secondary bedrooms as Castle passed down the hall. He stopped in his tracks, startled by the origin of the voice he hadn’t expected. He poked his head through the open doorway and caught her bent over a stack of cushions, her state of dress: his discarded V-neck, nothing else- the very personification of perfection.

“I’d very much like to grab those,” he retorted, only half-kidding. His eyes traveled the length of her, the journey requiring award-worthy restraint. “But that’s probably not what you meant. What’re we doing?”

“I’m taking you to a show.”

He picked up the cushions and followed her out into the great room, where she yanked the blanket from the back of the sofa and headed for the sliding doors out to the deck. “You’re about to experience my second favorite thing about this place.” She flipped up the lock and stepped out into the darkness.

“I can’t see anything,” he whispered, as though the neighbors might hear- the neighbors that didn’t exist inside of, at least, a mile.

“You will, trust me. Bring those over here.”

The sound of a chair’s drag along the wood planks filled his ears, and then another. When it was quiet again, all he could hear around him was the song of a summer’s night. He didn’t have that in the city or in the Hamptons. It was like an exquisite symphony. “Wow, listen to that.”

She picked up the cushions one by one and arranged them on the lounge chairs. “Wonderful, isn’t it? Hard to miss the city when you’re out here in the middle of all of this.”

His eyes had finally adjusted to his surroundings and he moved to her. “The very last thing on my mind right now is the city. I only want to be here, in this moment, with you.”

Kate pressed her lips softly against his and tugged at the waistband of his boxers. “Come on, sit.” The deck chairs were side by side, facing outward toward the back of the property. “You ready?” she asked, as he situated himself next to her.

“I’m not sure what ready entails, exactly, but I’m going to say yes anyway.”

She took his hand in hers and rested them both against her bare thigh. He already had chills. “Look up, Castle,” she told him, a giddy smile in every word.

He angled his head and looked to the sky. He saw nothing at first, but he held his focus. And little by little they began to appear, pins of white light- hundreds, thousands, then millions. He wasn’t prepared for it, the city boy, so completely out of his element. It nearly took his breath away. It was as though the stars were glowing just for them, no one else in the world seeing the same tiny corner of the sky. “Kate, it’s amazing.”

“Now you understand. Now you see.” She spoke so delicately, her words pointed at the sky.

“I love you, Castle.”

He turned to her though she didn’t reciprocate, her gaze fixed on the beauty and majesty above. “I love you, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

“You’re making me food for a change, huh? Now this is something _I_ could get used to.” Castle wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, his lips pressed against the flat of her neck, her hair pulled up allowing him the access. His tee still hung intoxicatingly from her body, her legs and feet bare. She was a morning vision beyond compare.

Kate tickled her fingers back and forth along his forearms, dipped her head back against his shoulder. “I’d hardly call toast and coffee a proper meal, but if you’re happy with it, I’d definitely enjoy reaping any rewards you’re prepared to offer for my minimal efforts.”

“And rewarded you shall be. Wish you’d woken me, though. How long have you been up? It’s early.”

She pulled at his arms to free her body and she spun around to face him. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of dark boxers that sat provocatively low on his waist. Her eyes wandered the length of him, down to the floor and back up again, the tiny curve of her lips indicative of the pleasure she took in the journey. “My gift of sleep was _your_ reward for last night. You more than earned it.”

“Here I thought that came with its own reward,” he teased. “So, what’s the plan for today? What would you like to do?"

Kate poured him a mug of coffee and topped off her own, lowered the toast again to warm. She grabbed a bottle of juice and the fruit she’d already cut up from the refrigerator, handing each to Castle blindly over her shoulder, never turning to discover how his eyes watched unwaveringly as she moved.

“I might just let you keep that thing, you know.” He sipped from the mug, his eyes peeking out over the rim at her body wrapped in his shirt. “And in the interest of full disclosure, it would be for purely selfish reasons. No matter how many times I’ve worn it, I’ve never been able to make it look like art.”

“Wow, just one more to go and I’ll have a complete Richard Castle set.” She scooped a spoonful of fruit into her grinning mouth.

“A complete set?” He was both confused and curious.

“As you put it, in the interest of full disclosure, I already have one of your t-shirts- from a couple of years ago when you invited me to stay at the loft after my apartment was blown to bits. I accidentally forgot to return it. Oops.” She wasn’t at all apologetic and was clearly making no secret of that fact.

“You still have one of my shirts? How did I not notice that?”

“You’re a rich man, Castle. My guess is you have a lot of shirts.”

He stepped in front of her, her lower back angled against the countertop, his arms against the edge of the butcher block surface at her hips, caging her in. “Well, that’s actually pretty hot- no pun intended- you keeping it all this time. Do you ever wear it?” he asked hopefully, his thighs brushing gently against hers.

“What fun would it be if I didn’t?”

“Like a serial killer with a trophy. That’s kind of twisted, Detective.”

She rocked her hips forward slowly, deliberately. “And effective, apparently,” she purred, feeling the hard of his body. “So, about that plan for today, I was-”

“New morning plan!” he declared authoritatively, his hand tugging at her arm, the bedroom their day’s first destination.

**xxxx**

“Little T’s in the wind, bro.” Espo announced to a late-arriving Ryan. “That jackass in holding has to give up everything he knows. Today.” It was too early for the shitty news- too early _and_ a weekend, and the combination of those two things really pissed Espo off.

“Silver lining is I still recognize you this morning, even with that purple thing on your face.” Ryan dropped his bag onto his desk and chuckled. Espo did not. “Too soon. Got it,” Ryan nodded.

“Where the hell have you been, by the way? We said 7 AM.”

Ryan lifted his cuff and checked his watch. “I’m nine minutes late, Javi. Give me a break. You’re grumpy when you’ve been the victim of a sissy punch. Well, grumpier.”

“Let’s just get this shit done so I can put in a request for a new partner and move on.”

“Very funny. Like you could find a better partner than Kevin Ryan,” he boasted.

“Whatever, bro. Maybe I just want a partner who doesn’t refer to himself in the third person like an ass.” He stood and started to walk away. “You ready to go or what?”

Ryan furrowed his brow. “Can’t I get some coffee first?”

Espo gave him a look.

Ryan went without coffee.

**xxxx**

Abruzzo was brought from holding to the interrogation room by a uni, and Espo and Ryan made him sweat it out a few extra minutes before they went in as a team.

The moment the door opened and Espo walked through, Abruzzo started in on him. “You back for some more? How ‘bout I go easy on you and use my left fist this time, huh?” He laughed like a doped up teenager until Ryan slammed the door shut and shocked the hell out of him. “I see you got Robin with you again.” They both caught the reference. Ryan didn’t appreciate it.

They each pulled up a chair and sat, their body language casual, their desire to end this whole thing anything but.

“Everything comfy and cozy last night, Dominic? Bring back fond memories?” Ryan grinned smugly.

“Whatever, man.”

“Robin asked you a question, _man_.” Espo found the moniker sort of amusing, actually. “Feeling nostalgic for the old prison cell? ‘Cause we can make that trip home happen, right, Robin?”

Ryan snapped his head, tossed Espo his own look of criticism and Espo did his best not to laugh in his face. “Yeah, we can,” he grumbled. “Your buddy Gionta’s gone. Any idea where he is or where he’d go?”

“Naw, man, I barely know the guy. He’s Micky’s newest.”

“Unfortunately, that’s not very helpful for you, bro. He was in that surveillance video with you. If you didn’t kill Talia Thorne at the motel that night, seems like he’d be the guy to be able to back that up.”

“I _didn’t_ kill her, man!” Abruzzo shouted. “How many times do I gotta say it?”

“I guess you gotta say it until we actually believe you, Dominic,” Ryan taunted. “We’ve got two dead bodies here, your boy Micky and a girl on the floor of a motel you were seen leaving the night she was killed. And your friend, Little T, he doesn’t seem to want to help you out. Nope, he wants to run far, far away.”

“If you didn’t do this, bro, you should be tellin’ us everything you know. We might be the only friends you got.”

Abruzzo stomped his foot against the floor. “You ain’t my fuckin’ friends. And I did not kill her.”

“Seems you’ve got a choice to make, Dominic. For your sake, we hope it’s the right one.”

The room fell quiet. Abruzzo stared at the ceiling and mumbled to himself- nothing Ryan or Espo could understand, but it was obvious to them he was frustrated and scared. He looked around the room, anywhere except directly at his interrogators who just sat back and watched the show happening in front of them.

They knew exactly what was coming. Dominic Abruzzo was about to crack wide open.

**xxxx**

“Hang on a second.” Castle grabbed for Kate’s arm as they reached the edge of the grass line in the backyard, the vast expanse of the wood just one step away. “We aren’t going to get eaten by a bear in there or anything, right?”

She had to laugh. The fear-laced query came from a man who she’d once witnessed tackle and render incapacitated a hit man who was brandishing a very large gun. “I hear the bears up here have a weakness for rich, successful mystery novel writers from the city, so there’s a good chance.”

“Sure, joke all you want now, but it’s all fun and games until someone gets mauled. Also, you didn’t say handsome.”

“Oh, they find the handsome men tastiest. I just didn’t want to worry you any more than you already were. But, a mauling would definitely put a damper on the day, so let’s agree not to do that, okay?” She extended her left hand toward him to shake on it.

“Yes, let’s,” he agreed, clasping her hand in his and adding an exaggerated nod of the head for good measure. “Nice shake with the left, by the way.”

“My hands have talents you’ve never seen, Mr. Castle.”

“Well, then I can’t wait for show-and-tell. But, mostly show.”

“Come on, follow me,” she said, rolling her eyes, and she stepped into the trees.

The late-morning sun freckled the ground beneath them, permeating the dense leaves and branches of the canopy above in fits and starts. The quiet was remarkable, the only sounds puncturing it the shuffle of their feet and the occasional snap of a distant twig. It felt like a world all their own, no interlopers or intrusions to speak of.

“Is this even a path, Kate? Do you know where we’re going? I feel like I should’ve done that breadcrumb thing.”

She paused and turned back, his position a few steps behind, courtesy of his overzealous bear vigilance. “How many times have I been up here, Castle?”

He had no idea. “I guess- a lot?”

“And how many times have you been up here, Castle?”

“I see where you’re going with this.” Stupid question. “Lead on.”

“We’re almost there, anyway.”

Up ahead a short distance, Kate veered to the right and came to a stop, waiting for Castle to catch up to her. They were in a small clearing, two eastern hemlock trees standing full, like twins, before them.

“Why are we stopping? You didn’t see something, did you?” The panic in his voice was palpable.

“I saw…” She taunted him with hesitation.

“What? What was it?” He was literally two seconds from fleeing.

“It’s my old fort, you big baby. Over by the two hemlocks. See it?”

“Oh, yeah, I do see something.” He headed for it, Kate now following him close behind. “It’s still here?”

“My dad helped me build it. Well, I helped him, actually. We spent a weekend on it when I was ten. I’d hand him whatever tool he needed or pass him the next piece of wood. He was always really good at that stuff.”

Castle kneeled in front of it and ran his hand along the old lumber, now shades of green and black with age. “Time’s been pretty kind to it. Just a few boards missing and some rot, but it looks like it was a fort to be proud of. Did you come out here a lot?”

Kate reached her hand out and touched it as well, her palm flat against its overhang, as though attempting to call up memories through the physical connection. “My friend, Sarah, and I did, yeah. We spent so many summer days here, Castle. When it was too hot or our parents were getting on our nerves or when we had secrets to share, we always ran to this place.” She spoke with a tenderness and a reverence that moved him.

“I wish I could have known ten-year-old Kate Beckett. And what kinds of secrets?”

“Planning on taking Nikki Heat back to grade school, Castle?”

“Yes,” he snickered. “I’m going to call it _A Growing Heat_.”

“Sounds like a bestseller, for sure. Let me know when it hits the bargain paperback rack.”

He stood back up and put his hands on his hips. “Cruel woman. Now I’m hurt so you _have_ to tell me one of your secrets.”

Kate didn’t say anything, merely pointed to a spot over his right shoulder. He turned his head slowly, having no idea what it was he was supposed to be looking at. “That birch tree, go look,” she instructed.

He moved to the tree, finding himself more and more curious with each step.

“Look down a bit,” she called out.

And there, he saw it, carved into the bark, enclosed within the curves of a heart: KB + RC.

“Some coincidence, huh?” She was standing directly behind him now, almost touching him, watching him motionless with awe.

“When did- What is this?”

“I was twelve. He was thirteen- Robby Calvert. I was very much in love, obviously. Sarah made one too, around the other side.”

It was more than his mind could process. It was almost shocking, the magic of the universe. Castle pulled her in and clamped his arms around her waist. “You know what this means, don’t you?”

“No, but I bet you’re going to tell me.”

“It means we were always meant to be.” He smiled softly and sincerely. She leaned in and pecked his lips. “So,” he took a quick look around, “if a couple makes out in the forest and no one’s there to see it, would that mean it didn’t really happen?”

“Ah, yes, the age-old question of the world’s brightest philosophers.”

Castle pressed his lips to hers adoringly. “Always meant to be,” he whispered, into the rustle of the leaves in the spring breeze.

**xxxx**

The ache of Kate’s injuries had all but faded into the euphoria of their hours together in a place she’d long considered paradise. Castle had touched her body and her heart in ways she’d only imagined, in ways she’d feared he never would, and in ways she was now fully prepared to accept she could never be without.

She listened to the water from the shower cascade over his body, her back pressed against the wall in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. It made a unique sound, she thought, one she’d never heard before, like a siren song in its temptation and seduction of her senses. She imagined each drop’s journey along the topography of his muscle and bone, how each must be fighting desperately to linger on his skin, how she’d explored the very same routes as some and longed to discover the paths of others.

The squeak of the faucet brought her out of her reverie and back to the narrow hallway with little idea as to how much time had passed since she’d stopped to eavesdrop. She’d never done this to anyone before. She’d never been so fascinated by such prosaic things. She knocked softly when she heard the rings of the shower curtain slide open along the rod. She had need of nothing inside, had no reason to be there at all except that he was on the other side of the door.

“Come in?” Castle wasn’t entire certain he’d heard a knock, and he felt a bit foolish saying anything at all.

Kate turned the knob slowly and pushed the door open just enough to sneak through, as though someone else in the house might see, as though she were participating in something illicit. “Hi,” she said simply and with a prick of embarrassment as she suddenly realized she had no idea what to say next.

“Hi, yourself, beautiful.” He held a bath towel in his hand, his body not yet covered, every inch of him exposed to every inch of her imagination. “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” He ran the Egyptian cotton over his hair to absorb the excess water dripping down his face. She watched his hands rustle in the fabric. She wanted him fiercely.

She propped herself up on the counter opposite him, revealing silently her intent to stay. “Every answer running through my head involves a boost to your ego, and I’m not really sure it can handle that. I feel like it’s already pinning the needle.”

“Well, my ego and I took kind of a hit recently, so we’re still working on getting back to our comfortably obnoxious state. What’ve you got?”

He stepped over the side of the tub and onto the bath mat. He was a foot closer to her now and she could almost feel the heat radiating off his skin. She laughed inside wondering if it would always be this way, if she’d feel like this every time his body was near, if she’d ever want to venture out into the world again when she had him all to herself. “Assuming I played a role in your recent tumble from great heights, I suppose I owe you. And in that spirit, I will tell you that I’m finding it very difficult to satiate the hunger my eyes have recently developed for your naked body. That’s one reason I find myself in a place like this. And, to be honest, I’m not feeling all that nice.”

He dropped the towel to the floor, its mission not yet complete, but its use suddenly inconsequential. “You know, I’m reminded of a time when I saw _you_ in your bathroom without clothes on, and aside from the remnants of an exploded bomb all around us, it was really quite something.” With two more steps, he reached her knees, and he drew them apart with his fingers. She leaned forward and tasted the drops of water at his chest, the scent of soap perfume on her tongue. Her hands bracketed his hips, their hold tighter than she intended yet fanning his arousal. “Kate,” he hummed, his lips at her ear, “you feel light-years beyond nice to me, but if we’re ever going to make it to lunch, you have to find a way to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” Innocent, but not.

“Being you.” He bit playfully at her neck, his tongue following in unnecessary apology.

“I’ll try to work on that.”

“But don’t try too hard!” he added urgently.

“Hey,” she said, her fingers tickling wickedly along his length, “you said you weren’t looking that day in the bathroom, Castle.”

“I’m a writer, Kate,” he managed to stammer, the sensation of her touch robbing him of most of his faculties. “I say a lot of things.”

“Go put some clothes on, loudmouth. Let’s go eat.”

**xxxx**

“If that shit he just said is true, that’s as cold as it gets. Cold, with a capital C.”

Ryan sank into his chair and slid Dominic Abruzzo’s file onto his desk. “He seemed pretty freaked. Are you buying it? You and Beckett talked to Jimmy Vincent, I didn’t. Makes it harder for me to get a read.” He propped his hands behind his head, his fingers locking them in place. “I need some of that Spidey-sense Castle has.”

“Seriously?” Espo scoffed, sounding utterly incensed. “You’re such a Kool-Aid drinker, bro. Maybe you and Castle can open a shop together and sell crystals and voodoo dolls.”

“I’m just saying, I can’t be sure. That guy seemed genuinely scared, and for someone like that to feel that way- maybe it’s true, as crazy as it sounds, as cold as it sounds. It _is_ one of the primary motives for murder.”

“Thanks for the Crime 101 lesson, _Robin.”_  Espo punctuated the derisive nickname with the insufferable tone of a boy nagging his younger brother. “I know all about what money does and what people do for it. It’s messed up.”

“So you didn’t get a vibe from him? From Jimmy?”

“Bodyguard was creepy. That was about it.”

“We need to talk to him.”

“I’ll get him in here. Lucky for us, this guy likes to do things face to face.”

**xxxx**

“Beckett?” Kate heard the rickety voice call out from somewhere behind them as they meandered through the shop toward the small cluster of lunch tables at the back. “Is that you?”

She stopped and looked back over her shoulder, a man later in years approaching them at as quick a pace as it seemed he could travel. The expression of sheer delight on his face was unmistakable, his cheeks shifting upward until the smile crinkled his eyes into tiny moon-shaped slivers. He held his plaid-covered arms open in front of him, and he didn’t stop moving until his body collided with hers in embrace.

“Bennett, you’re here.” They held on to each other for a long moment, Castle looking on curiously from Kate’s side. “We were here yesterday but I didn’t see you, so I had to come back and try again. I’m so glad I did. You look wonderful.”

He loosened his hold and stepped backward, allowing him the opportunity to take a good look at her. “Such bruises and yet such beauty. Oh my word, and your hand. What’s happened? Still fighting the good fight, it seems.” He shot her a wink. “We all rest a bit easier knowing you’re looking out for us, my dear.”

Kate laughed softly. “Still fighting, Bennett, still fighting- just like my parents taught me.” She turned to Castle and became immediately flush with embarrassment. “Oh, Castle, I’m sorry. Apparently I must’ve missed my parents’ lesson on manners. Bennett, this is my friend, Rick. Rick, this is Bennett.”

The two men shook hands, the elder’s firm grip a pleasant surprise to Castle. “It’s good to meet you, Bennett. I can’t say as I’ve ever met anyone named Bennett before. It’s an interesting name, memorable. Good for a story.”

Kate caught Bennett’s eye and the two shared a smile. “Actually-”

“That’s kind of you to say so, son, but Bennett’s the last name. Beckett, here, is the only one who uses it. Been that way since she was just a wee thing. I still remember the giggle that came out of her when her father introduced us. The first name’s Henry.”

Kate jumped in. “Apparently, I found it highly amusing that our last names were so similar. It just kind of stuck after that.”

“That’s really sweet,” Castle said.

“Yes, sir, it is.” Henry took Kate’s hand. “So, we haven’t seen you in…must be a year, at least. We’ve missed your pretty face around here.”

“I’m sorry, I know.” She meant it sincerely. There’d been so many times she’d wanted to come back to this place. “It’s been difficult to find the time.”

“ _Making_ time is important. We all need it.” He lifted her wrapped hand delicately. “Some of us more than others.”

“We do. And that’s why I brought this city boy with me. It’s his first time here.” She nudged Castle with her elbow.

“Well, we’re glad to have you- both of you. I hope she’s been a good tour guide.”

Castle turned to Kate, waited until he had her attention. “She’s made my time here unforgettable, Henry.”

“Very good, very good. Well, listen, I don’t want to keep you two. I’m sure you have better things to do than stand around listening to an old man.”

Kate stepped forward and hugged her old friend once more. “I can hardly think of one,” she told him. “We’ll come say goodbye before we head out.”

“That sounds just fine. I hope you both enjoy.”

**xxxx**

It was quiet after lunch, the only other couple around them having finished their meal and moved on a short time earlier. They lingered at the table, the one beside the window with the view of the trees, their plates cleared, enjoying the time rarely available to them to do so. “I really like this place,” Castle said, sitting sideways in his chair, looking into the shop from a new perspective. “I didn’t even see the tables back here when we bought the food yesterday.”

“I do too. It’s been here as long as I can remember. Bennett took over when his dad got sick. It has a very local feel to it, but no one who comes by ever seems to feel unwelcome.”

“He really cares about you.”

“He’s a good man. Like you. Big heart. He’s always been like family.”

Castle watched as Kate sipped from her near-empty glass- the way her lips curled around the rim, the length of her neck as she raised her chin to welcome the liquid in. Never in his life had he been so completely taken with another person, not just in that moment, but in all of her moments. “I don’t know if I’ve said it yet or not, Kate, but even if I have, I want you to know how much it’s meant to me to be here with you. I’m so thankful that you wanted to share all of this- the house, the stars, the fort, and now this place and your friend. This has truly been one of the most special and memorable weekends I’ve ever had.”

Kate put her hand on the table, palm up, in invitation of his. “I’ve never wanted to share this much of myself with anyone before. And it still scares me sometimes. But, I feel safer with you than with anyone else in my life, Castle, and that makes me want to be in every moment completely. And I want you there with me.”

He smiled softly, their hands clasped tightly. “So, you asked me a question last night and I got distracted and never gave you an answer. If memory serves, your mouth was the responsible party.”

“Entirely your fault, of course. You asked for my mouth.”

“And who could blame me?” he shrugged. “It has otherworldly powers.” His eyes remained fixed on it, despite the fight against it. “Now,” he said, clearing his throat, “before I get lost in it again, I’d like to tell you my answer.”

She raised an eyebrow with piqued interest.

“You asked me if there was a moment when I knew this was what I wanted, and that’s a very difficult thing to pinpoint. And you’ll have to forgive how clichéd this is going to sound, especially from someone who calls himself a writer, but every moment I’ve spent with you since we met has given me a reason to want you with me for the next. There were times, however-”

His mind seemed to wander mid-thought. “Hey.” Her soft voice brought him back.

“Sorry, I was- there was that night in the precinct, when you told me about your mom for the first time and you showed me the ring and the watch, I knew I was in trouble that night. Not in any trouble I wanted to escape from,” he quickly clarified, “very much the opposite. I just had no idea how the hell I was going to convince you to want more of me, because in that moment I knew I wanted so much more of you.”

“And have you come up with a plan yet?” she teased.

“Funny.” He pulled his napkin from his lap and set it on the table. “But, you know, I always think back to the summer I was in the Hamptons. Well, more about what it felt like to see you for the first time after I came back.”

Just hearing the name made her stomach knot. “You mean when we almost shot you at that crime scene?”

“Yes, Kate, when you almost shot me. That’s atop my list of most-wanteds in a true life partner. _No!_ Not then, exactly. It happened when you walked into the interrogation room after. I’m not even sure you knew you did it, but my eyes were on you from the second you opened that door, and it was there. I saw it and I felt it.”

She had no idea what he was about to say, but she found herself shifting in her chair with anticipation, wanting to move even an inch closer to him to hear.

“You smiled with your eyes, but as though you were trying desperately to hide it. I swear, it was like lightning, Kate. I’d spent so many weeks and days and hours missing your face. I saw it and I thought- maybe you’d missed me too. I don’t know. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. But I just knew, more than anything else, I wanted to spend every day after trying to make that happen again and again. Okay, granted, I was back with my ex at the time, but I claim temporary insanity on that.” He fiddled awkwardly with the balled up wrapper of his straw left discarded on the table.

Kate slid to the edge of her chair and stood, took a step around the edge of the table and gestured for him to shift his body with a swish of her finger. He obliged, and she turned and lowered herself onto his lap. And then she kissed him, more enthusiastically than was appropriate for their surroundings, but far less than he deserved.

**xxxx**

Jimmy Vincent made Espo and Ryan wait, but he finally showed up at the precinct a few hours after Espo’s call- much longer and they would’ve gone out looking. He slept most days until late afternoon he’d told them, given that he worked all night at the club, and the schedule had only become harder on him since Micky had taken off to God-knows-where, leaving him to run the place on his own.

After what they’d heard earlier from Abruzzo, they found it difficult to feel much in the way of sympathy.

“We know you’re a busy man, Mr. Vincent, so we appreciate you making time for us this afternoon.”

“Please, as I told you when we met before, call me Jimmy.”

It should’ve sounded congenial, the gesture being what it was. No doubt Jimmy thought it had. But he’d said it with a bite, like it wouldn’t have been a surprise if it’d been followed by an _or else_. There was something about him now, there, in the bright light of the room, that Espo hadn’t seen the first time they’d met. It was in his posture or in the arrogance of his affect; he couldn’t put his finger on it exactly. But whatever it was, Espo hoped he could find a way to bury Jimmy with it if this all played out.

“Jimmy, we just have some follow up questions about your brother and about-” Ryan was interrupted before he could even get his first sentence out.

“Where’s Detective Beckett today?”

Espo and Ryan turned and shared a look.

“We’re here today, Mr. Vincent,” Ryan answered sharply.

“ _Jimmy_ ,” he corrected pointedly.

“Of course, Jimmy.” Espo grinned patronizingly. “Now, when was it that you last saw your brother?”

“I’d say it’s been a few weeks.”

“You can’t be more specific than that?”

“I can’t be.”

“And the two of you didn’t get along because-”

“Because Micky made poor life choices and because those life choices had an effect on my life and on my club.” He sounded like a pompous ass, one that didn’t have the right look for the part.

“Your club?” Espo recalled otherwise. “Didn’t you say you and Micky owned the club together? A 50-50 split, right?” It was clear the mere mention inspired aggravation.

“That’s how my father set it up, yes.” Both Ryan and Espo took note of the pronoun again- _my_. “Micky never wanted to be around, though. He always had his own bullshit going on, too much to be bothered.”

“And what kind of _bullshit_ was that?” Ryan’s pen was poised.

Jimmy picked at the invisible lint on his sleeve, seemingly bored with the entire affair. “Drugs, mostly. And his group of thugs. And Talia. He was with Talia all the time. That’s why I assumed they were dating or whatever.”

“And Talia was another one of his poor life choices?”

“I don’t know what Talia was, except a druggie.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I saw her at the club all the time, Detective. I know what it looks like. It’s part of my world.”

“Right, your world. Do you recall seeing Talia at the club on the night of her murder?”

“No,” he replied without any hesitation. “I don’t.”

“You seem pretty certain of that.”

“Like I said, this is my world.”

“Do you remember when you _did_ see her last?”

“Must’ve been the weekend before.”

Espo nodded. “Must’ve been. Now, in your world do you know a…” he pretended to flip through his notes, “Tony Gionta, Mr. Vincent? Also goes by Little T.” Espo was referring to Jimmy by his last name now solely to piss him off.

Jimmy stared him down. “Should I?”

“I don’t know if you should, but I asked if you do.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“You sure?”

Jimmy ran his fingernail back and forth along a spot on the table. “Actually, you know, I think he’s done some work at the club here and there. He’s, uh, one of Micky’s. Yeah, once in a while. Don’t really know him, though.”

Ryan made a note of Jimmy’s reply and his reaction.

“How about a Dominic Abruzzo?”

“Abruzzo, Abruzzo,” he repeated aloud, as though he was actually thinking about it. “Not that I’m aware.”

“Huh.” Espo and Ryan shared another glance.

“Huh, _what_?” Jimmy asked with disdain.

“You want another minute to think about that one too?”

“Thank you, but I don’t need another minute, Detective.”

“Well, that’s kind of odd, Mr. Vincent, since Mr. Abruzzo has quite a lot to say about how he knows you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Castle rolled his eyes dramatically and pulled the phone away from his ear, waited for Martha on the other end to take a breath as Kate sat quietly on the sofa next to him, her stifled laugh longing to burst free. “Yes, Mother,” he said, a response to a question he wasn’t even sure had been asked, given he’d already stopped paying much attention to anything she was actually saying. “I know. I know.” But he didn’t know, didn’t want to know- he really just wanted to hang up.

He pulled the phone back to his ear, his eyes on Kate, his mind on Kate and the fact that they’d be leaving for home tomorrow and that he had no idea what might happen once they got there. “Mother,” he interrupted, “I will be home in the morning. We can talk about this then. Give Alexis a kiss for me. No, you’re right, I probably don’t deserve it. Yes, Mother, I will. See you in the morning.”

“What did she say?”

His head slumped over from the exhaustion of the last five minutes. “I don’t think she likes it very much when I behave like an ass for weeks, leave town without telling her where I’m going, and then ignore her calls for two days. Call it a hunch.”

“Well, if she grounds you, maybe I can just sneak in through your window or something.”

Castle stared off into the distance, lost in the deliciousness of the thought.

“You okay?”

“I’m imagining what kind of super-suit you might be wearing when you climb through my window, so, yes, I’m more than okay.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Losing my mystery already, am I?”

Kate inched sideways along the sofa until she was near enough to lift her leg over his and straddle his lap. She plucked the phone from his fingers and tossed it aside, leaning her body in close, her hands propped on either side of the cushion behind his shoulders. “That’s okay, Castle. I don’t want you for your mystery, anyway. I want you for your body.” She bit lightly at his earlobe with a smile and his hands dove beneath the outside of her thighs, drawing her firmly against him.

“I feel so used,” he huffed melodramatically. “But let’s not forget that you only have access to my magnificent body _because_ of my mysteries.” He was most pleased with himself for the clever play on words.

“Now you’re getting carried away. I said nothing about magnificent.” She rocked her hips forward as she trailed her tongue along the sensitive spot on his neck that she’d discovered the night before. He released a sigh of pleasure and felt her smile widen along his skin.

“Oh, I’m very good at reading between the lines- among other things.”

She pulled back slowly, her fingers laced together against the soft hair at his neck. “You’re very good at feeding your own ego.”

He scowled at her, though his hands continued to glide seductively up and down her denimed thighs with titillating pressure.

“Sorry, I thought we were making a list,” she teased.

“I’ll make your list,” he grumbled, the comeback utterly nonsensical.

“I can think of better things you could be doing with that mouth other than pouting, and you’re very good at those, I’ve quickly learned.”

His whole face perked up. “Well, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them, since I plan on doing _all_ of them tonight. You might want to think about doing some stretching to prepare. I’m going to go into the kitchen and get myself a bottle of water while you ponder that. Have to stay hydrated.” He grabbed her at the hips and shifted her off of his lap.

“Would you mind grabbing me one too,? Sounds like I’ll probably need it,” she said, as he stepped away.

He opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles. “So, speaking of being prepared, maybe we should talk about tomorrow.” He wandered back over to the sofa where she sat cross-legged and, from her expression, obviously confused about what he was referring to. “I noticed earlier that you introduced me to Bennett as your friend, Rick, and I- I wasn’t- that didn’t bother me, of course, I’m just wondering what it is you might want to tell people when we get home.”

She swallowed a sip of his water and set her bottle down on the table. “Castle, I didn’t even realize. It wasn’t intentional- habit, I guess.”

“I know it wasn’t. I know. This is all just so new and we haven’t really talked about it. Neither of us told anyone we were coming here or with whom, so I figured I should, at least, mention it before we head home. I mean, your dad thinks you’re with Lanie, so I want to make sure our story’s straight. I want you to be comfortable.”

“I don’t know, Castle. One the one hand, I want to share this with everyone, and on the other hand, there’s a big reason not to, at least not right away. You told Gates you were done with your book research and done with the 12th. I don’t know if you’ve had second thoughts about that since all of this happened or if that’s something you still want. Honestly, I don’t even know if you _could_ come back if you wanted to. But if you did, the regs are very clear about coworkers dating. And, yes, you aren’t on the NYPD’s payroll, but you know how Gates is. I’m not sure what she’d do if she found out. I don’t want to be responsible for breaking us up, Castle. It’s all just…complicated.”

“Kate.”

“Yeah?” She looked up at him, her expression heavy with competing emotions.

“Breathe, first of all, okay? Second of all, the rules existed long before you became a cop. You didn’t write them and you wouldn’t be responsible. I wouldn’t want _your_ career jeopardized for one second, Kate, and certainly not because of me. I’m the guy who forced himself into your work-life to begin with, as I’m sure you remember, and I consider it a gift to still be there with you every day. Look, I loved being your partner at the 12 th, Kate, but I love you more, so I can let it go if it’ll make things easier for you. That’s all I want.”

She tugged gently at his arm and met his lips in a soft kiss. “I love you too, but I want the work thing to be your decision, not mine. Think about it for a few days. I have to see the doctor tomorrow and if he clears me for work, which he damn well better, I’ll be going back later this week. Until then, at least, we won’t tell anyone, and depending on what you decide you want to do, we can about talk what’s next.”

“Actually,” he said, his tone villainous, “now that I’m really thinking about it, keeping it all a secret sounds like it could be kind of fun and sexy, you know? Sneaking around, stolen glances, finding hidden places to make out. Not to mention, going back to the precinct would totally piss off Gates and that’s definitely appealing.”

“Wow, Castle, it’s so unbelievably romantic that you want to hide our love from the world just so you can stick it to my boss.”

“Hey, wait, let me be clear here. It wasn’t _just_ for that. And I’d get on the phone to my publicist right now and have her draw up a press release for every media outlet on earth declaring my love for you, if that’s what you wanted. I’ve lived alone with this long enough.”

“I know you have.” She rested her forehead against his. “So have I. So, we’ll go home tomorrow and we’ll see what happens.”

“We’ll see what happens.”

**xxxx**

“If he says he knows me, he’s full of shit. I don’t know any Abruzzo,” Jimmy snapped.

Ryan pulled a copy of Abruzzo’s mug shot from the file beneath his arm and slid it across the table without a word.

Jimmy paused, noticeably so, glanced down at the photo and pushed it right back at him. “Who’s this, now? Another guy says he knows me?”

“That’s Dominic Abruzzo. You sure you don’t recognize him? Here, wait-” Ryan pulled out a second photo, this one a shot from the motel’s surveillance system on the night of Talia Thorne’s murder. Rather than slide it, he held it up in front of Jimmy’s face before finally setting it down with firm hand in front of him. “How about now? You recognize him now? Standing next to Gionta.”

Espo watched Jimmy’s face, watched his upper lip twitch, watched his Adam’s apple slide ungracefully up and down his throat as he swallowed, watched his eyes blink in rapid succession. Jimmy was deep into all of it, despite everything he was saying to the contrary, and Espo was certain of it.

“You can show me 100 photos of him and my answer will still be the same.”

“Fair enough,” Ryan said, leaving the photo right where it was, under Jimmy’s nose. “Moving on, then. Do you know where you were last Monday night?”

“Club opens at 11, so I’m sure I was probably there doing prep, as always.”

“Which is it?” Espo jumped in. “You were probably there or you _were_ there, like always?”

“I was there.”

“And, someone can corroborate that?”

“Yes, someone can.”

Ryan jotted down the name Jimmy gave them- one of his security guys. Espo assumed it was probably the same bouncer he and Beckett had encountered at their first meeting. And he assumed he’d probably say anything Jimmy needed him to. No doubt he’d be of little help.

“Just one more thing before we let you go, Mr. Vincent. With Micky gone- oh, again, sorry for your loss, by the way- I assume his share of the club transfers over to you?”

“Thanks,” Jimmy replied patronizingly, without an ounce of sincerity. “I suppose you’d be correct.”

“About how much was Micky’s share?” Espo prodded.

“Off the top of my head? I have no idea.”

Espo knew that was bullshit. Jimmy knew exactly what would happen to Micky’s stake in the club _and_ how much he’d stand to gain from his brother being out of the picture. “Guess.”

“Two million?” Jimmy dropped it like it was nothing, but Espo could feel the sick thrill radiating off of him.

Ryan and Espo turned to each other. They both knew.

“That’s all we need right now. We’ll be in touch if anything else comes up.”

“Sure.”

Ryan sent in a uni to escort Jimmy out.

“We need someone on this asshole,” Espo told him.

**xxxx**

Morning sun peeked through the blinds of the oversized window, the bed tickled in soft light, the dust motes dancing around them. Castle crawled unhurriedly along Kate’s body, his head emerging from the edge of the sheet draped loosely across her breasts. Her fingers clutched at the muss of his hair until his glistening lips were on hers, his warm mouth swallowing her ragged breaths of satisfaction.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she whispered, as she broke from him, “best alarm clock ever.”

He kissed the scar at her breast. “You wanna hit the snooze button? Eight minutes is plenty of time for you to rest up, no?”

“I think my body might break in two if you do _that_ again in eight minutes.” She lifted her head from the pillow and kissed him once more. “That felt so good, Castle.”

“You taste so good. I may never eat real food again.” He shifted onto his side, his leg and his arm a perfect weight across her body. “I don’t want to leave here,” he said, his lips touching her bare skin, his hand bracketing her hip.

“This place has that power.”

“ _You_ have that power. I didn’t stand a chance against the two of you.”

Kate fell quiet, her index finger drawing lazy curlicues along his shoulder blades. “Are you scared?” She’d barely said the words, as if granting them an actual voice might somehow make them come true.

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. Scared of screwing this up, scared of everything changing, of this not being what you’d hoped or imagined? Just- scared.”

He rolled his body into the space between her legs, his chin propped up on his fist in the flat above her hips. “Most things in life worth doing are scary, Kate. Honestly, I was more scared at the thought of living the rest of my life without you in it. I mean, let’s be honest. You know me. I know me. I’m definitely going to screw up on occasion- _shush_ , don’t say it- and things are definitely going to change, but it’s a lot easier to embrace change than it is to try and fight it, especially now that we can find our way through it together.”

“Together,” she echoed.

“And, hey, listen very carefully to what I’m about to say. This, you, it’s already so much more than anything I’d ever imagined. To be with you as long as you’ll have me is all I hope for. Just promise me you’ll tell me when you feel scared. I don’t want you to go through that alone.” He slid his hand from her belly and left a kiss in its place. “No more alone, please.”

“I promise. Now get up here and kiss me and let’s go home.”

**xxxx**

The drive home from the mountains at that time of the morning was quick and painless. Kate slept for a good part of the trip, Castle’s eyes on her whenever it was safe enough to steal a glance. He could see the physical change in her, the way the time at the cabin had altered her whole energy, and he recognized it in himself too, the weight lifted from his shoulders.

She woke to the sounds of the city- the buses and car horns buzzing all around her again. “Oh, I’m sorry, Castle. Why didn’t you wake me up?” She pushed herself up in her seat, her body having slumped in the comfort of the leather. “All those miles without talking? How ever did you manage?” She pressed her warm hand against the back of his neck, rubbed at the skin and muscle.

“Well, you’ll be very proud to hear how many X-rated Rook and Heat scenes I wrote in my head during quiet hour. Our time together has been most inspirational. They both thank you with _all_ of their body parts.” He pulled over and parked around the corner from her building. “Here we are, my lady, home again.”

“Is it too late to get lost?”

“I’m afraid so. Maybe if you hadn’t been snoring, you could’ve suggested it sooner.” He wanted to laugh, but she had such a wistful look on her face. “Hey, everything’s going to be fine, I promise. You trust me?”

“I trust you,” she answered in a deep breath.

“Let’s bring your stuff upstairs so you can get to the doctor.”

**xxxx**

Kate unlocked her apartment door and stepped inside, Castle behind her, bags in hand. She missed it instantly, the view from the cabin’s front door straight out to the tall trees looking down protectively from the back wood. And the smell in the air was different, the scent of charred wood and memories strikingly absent.

“You okay?” He shut the door and set her things down at his feet.

“Back to real life.”

Castle closed the small gap between them, his hands on her shoulders, his lips at her ear. “I’ve never looked so forward to real life.”

She leaned back into him with a contented sigh of understanding. “Me too.”

“Ooo!” he exclaimed abruptly, stepping around to face her. “I just realized I can cross off number one on my bucket list! Damn, I’m good.”

“You have a bucket list, Castle? Wait, of course you do. This doesn’t really surprise me. Sorry, head injury, not sure what I was thinking there for a minute.”

“Don’t _you_? Doesn’t everyone?” He seemed incredulous she’d think otherwise.

She stepped back and turned for the kitchen. “I think _everyone_ would be a wild overstatement, Castle. And, no, I don’t have one. I don’t want to live my life by a list on a piece of lined notebook paper.”

“But, Kate,” he followed closely behind as she walked away, “when you get to cross items off, it can be incredibly satisfying. I always think about how whatever it was happened and what I was feeling and I get lost in it all over again. Man, I can’t wait to cross off number one. I might do it twice…three times, maybe.”

“And what exactly was number one, Castle?” It was clear to her that he wanted her to ask. He was about as subtle as a hurricane making landfall.

He grinned ear to ear, beyond pleased with himself. “Be with Kate.”

He just said it, without clumsiness or bashfulness or timidity, like she’d asked him his name or what he’d eaten for breakfast. 

“Wait, what? Be with- that was number one on your list? When did that happen?”

“Oh, I wrote it a while ago, but I bumped the monkey thing down the list for you, maybe, a couple of years ago.”

She crinkled her eyes in puzzlement. “I’m not even going to ask, but, wow, I’m-”

“Pleased? Horrified? Turned on?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Let’s just call it two out of three, but I won’t tell you which two.”

“That’s fine. I’ll go ahead and choose the two I like best.”

She chuckled. “I figured you would.”

He glanced at his watch and noticed the time. “Hey, we need to get you over to the doctor.”

“Yeah, but I can go by myself, Castle. You should go home and stand in front of your mom for a while, make sure she absorbs the fact that you’re alive and in one piece.”

“But, Kate, I can-”

“Really, it’s just a quick follow up. It won’t take me any time at all. I feel fine. Besides, it’ll give me a chance to make some calls without the risk if you giving us away with that mouth of yours.”

“Excuse me? Are you implying that _I’m_ the loud one in this relationship? If only I had a recording of this morning’s wake-up,” he trailed off in prickly tone.

She tugged at the front of his shirt until her body made contact with his. “Maybe someday, Castle, if you ask me really, really nicely.” She inched up onto her tiptoes and kissed him hard and fast, pulled back before he could reciprocate.

He stood before her slack-jawed.

“I’m going to go to my appointment, you’re going to go home, and we’ll talk later, okay? Say, okay Kate.” He didn’t move and inch, so she snapped her fingers in his face. “Can you speak?”

“Bar-barely. If I ask nicely?”

“Later, city boy.” She pushed him toward the door.

“Will I see you later?”

“Do you want to see me later?” She was already thinking about it, longing for it.

His fingertips stroked her cheek, glided across the bruise at her lip. “Very much.”

“Then, I’ll call you later,” she said softly, missing him already.

He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. “Love you.”

It sounded better every time.

“Love you too.”

**xxxx**

Castle headed home to the loft when he left Kate’s place, a smile on his face and on his heart, one that might never again disappear. All was quiet when he came through the door, Alexis already at school and Martha nowhere to be seen. He dropped his absurdly overstuffed and ill-shapen bags in the entryway and looked around, imagined where in each room he’d be pressing his mouth to Kate’s if she were there with him. A loft all to themselves- so many delicious possibilities.

“You’re back,” called the voice from above, his mother perched on the stairway landing. “I can see it from here, Richard. You look like the cat that ate the canary. I suppose I should simply be grateful you still have a face.” She descended the remaining stairs and approached him for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for that morbid welcome home, Mother. I missed you too.”

She stared him down, his face unchanged, his grin now bordering on dopey. “So?”

“So…what?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Richard, where have you been?” Her attention fell to his bags on the floor. “And why did you pack everything you own? You were only gone for a few days.”

He rolled his eyes. It was the second time he’d been mocked for his slightly overzealous packing job. “Has a better pot and kettle illustration ever existed in the world? A friend invited me away for the weekend and I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it, Mother. I just threw a bunch of stuff together.”

“Touché, darling, touché. It seems you have some very needy friends these days. Thank goodness they have you.” Her words dripped with sarcasm and disapproval. She recalled well what _friend_ meant a few days ago. She turned for the kitchen, her purse and keys sitting out on the counter.

“You look nice, Mother.” It was true, of course, but trying to earn back some points couldn’t hurt either. “What’re your plans for today?”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. Thank you. I’m having lunch with the girls and we’re going shopping, and then I have class later on. I probably won’t be home until late, you know, in case you’re worried about where I am.”

“Ah, no one does passive-aggressive with less passive than you, Mother.”

“It’s a gift.” She picked up her belongings and kissed him again on the cheek. “I’ll see you later, kiddo.”

“Enjoy your day, Mother.”

As she reached the door, she stopped and spun around with a flourish. “Oh, yes, and Alexis is doing some sort of study group for finals after school today- physics and pizza or some such thing, so don’t expect her for dinner either. Maybe you should call a friend so you won’t be lonely.”

He tossed her a condescending smile. “I might just do that, thank you. Hey, maybe we can all meet in the kitchen for coffee in the morning.”

“Honestly, Richard…”

The instant she was out the door, he pulled out his phone to call Kate. It’d barely been an hour since he’d left her, so he then thought better of it and dropped it back in his pocket. Secrets and sneaking around- they could do this, and it could be fun as hell.

**xxxx**

“I’ll be glad to see you back at it, Detective. I’m sure your team will as well. Yes, we’ll see you in the morning.” Gates hung up the phone and stepped into the doorway of her office, summoned Ryan with a crook of her head as he caught sight of her in his peripheral vision.

She sat back down behind her desk, Ryan standing before her, minus his partner.

“Where’s Esposito?”

“We got a hit on the APB on Tony Gionta’s car. A Jersey trooper found it early this morning at an inactive rest stop along the Turnpike. Guess it’s in line for an overhaul. Espo’s talking to them now.”

“Okay, keep me posted on that, please. I just spoke with Detective Beckett. Sounds like she’ll be back with us tomorrow morning. I trust you and Esposito will have her up to speed quickly. Things seem to be coming together.”

Ryan nodded. “Yes, sir, it seems so. We’ll be sure Beckett’s caught up as quickly as possible.”

“That’s all, Ryan, thank you. Just make sure no one touches Gionta’s vehicle until we can get our hands on it.”

“Yes, sir.”

He returned to his desk and pulled out his phone, composed a text message to Beckett: _Missed your face around here, slacker. You and Javi are twins now- long story. Glad we’ll be seeing you. Get here on time! (Kidding)._

“Yo!” Espo called from across the bullpen as he marched hurriedly toward Ryan’s desk. “Let’s go. Gionta’s car awaits. I just talked to CSU.”

Ryan huffed in a way a man of his age shouldn’t. “Why does this shit always happen on a Monday? And _Jersey_? I’d like to kick Little T in his little balls.”

Espo bit at his lip, his nostrils flaring in disbelief. “Seriously, bro? This could be the whole case and you’re complaining about being home late for dinner? So you and Jenny have to braid each other’s hair a few hours later tonight, big deal. Get your shit and let’s go.”

“Your face looks ridiculous today.” Ryan pounced with a comeback that missed its mark by a mile.

“Good one, bro. I’m gonna go tell the teacher on you.” He pretended to wipe tears from his eyes and then walked away with a phony pout.

“And Gates said Beckett’s back tomorrow!” Ryan yelled after him.

“Thank God,” Espo shot back. “Thank God.”

**xxxx**

Castle’s phone sat in front of him on the desk in his office, his fingers feverishly pounding away at the keys of his laptop. He hadn’t been joking earlier when he’d told Kate of the wicked scenes involving their fictional counterparts that’d danced through his head. Two pages of typed notes had been saved to his computer’s memory thus far, and there were plenty more where those came from. Much hands-on research, he hoped, would be in his future.

Kate’s image popped up on his phone’s screen and he plucked it from its resting place with such energy that he nearly threw out his shoulder. “Hey, beautiful girl,” he answered, in an unusually husky voice.

“My guess is that was supposed to sound sexy, but all it made me want to do is offer you a lozenge,” she teased. “What’re you doin’?”

“I was going to ask if you missed me yet, but then I remembered how much you hate stupid questions.”

“Don’t you know, Castle, the only stupid question is the one not asked?”

“In that case, miss me yet? I’ll even give you some multiple choice answers to make it easier: A) more than anything B) of course, is this a trick question? Or C) get over here, my body is naked and ready.”

“See,” she replied naughtily with a deliberate pause, knowing he’d fall for it, “I was thinking it was D) I accidentally hit the wrong number on my speed dial.”

“You wound me, Detective. A few hours apart and I’m already out?”

“Oh, no,” she chuckled. “You’re very much in- or I’d like you to be.”

He nearly choked on his own saliva. “Want to come over?” he asked, with the bubbling enthusiasm of a child inviting his friend for a sleepover.

“What about the ladies of the house?”

“The place is all mine until late tonight. I’m hoping this kind of power turns you on madly.”

The line went silent.

“Kate?”

“I need to dry off and put some clothes on. Give me an hour.”

He dropped the phone and made a beeline for the other room, his eyes already glued to the front door.

**xxxx**

By the time Espo and Ryan arrived at the lot in Jersey, Espo was ready to yank out his own hair. Ryan had blabbed the entire ride _about_ the ride: the cruiser’s gas mileage, how the smell of the interior got to him but he could never figure out what it reminded him of, a laundry list of mundane facts about highway infrastructure in the Northeast. Espo would’ve dumped him on the side of the Turnpike if he didn’t have Gates to answer to.

CSU hadn’t arrived yet, so Espo and Ryan did a preliminary once-over of Gionta’s vehicle. The trooper had found it, seemingly abandoned, in the pre-dawn hours of that morning, parked next to one of two cinder block buildings at the closed rest stop. They’d been doing routine checks of the area since it’d become inactive as it was still relatively easy for drivers, who were so inclined, to get around the makeshift barricades that’d been erected to keep them out. Aside from the vehicle’s obvious age and expected wear and tear, it appeared otherwise undamaged, as though Gionta- or someone else- had simply walked away and left it.

The passenger window was open slightly, just enough to afford Ryan the ability to access the lock and get the door open. It was filthy inside, the floors and seats covered in trash, discarded clothing, small plastic bags and remnants of cigarettes whose resulting smoke had formed a visible layer of film on each window.

“It reeks of pot in here. I think I might already have a contact high from the old smoke in these seats. Jenny’s not going to want to touch me after this.”

“Please, bro, you’re married. Does she really want to touch you that much anyway?”

“Very funny.” Ryan crinkled his face, unamused. “And, for the record, yes she does.” He just couldn’t let the slight pass.

Ryan opened the glove compartment and fished out some old parking tickets, a copy of the vehicle registration confirming what they already knew- it _was_ Gionta’s car- and a small plastic bag of marijuana that appeared to have been there for some time since it was buried under the car’s owner’s manual. “Guess we know what the rest of these bags were for.” He looked around the floor and spotted, roughly, ten more of them in his immediate line of sight alone.

“Busy boy, Little T.”

Espo was kneeling on the ground on the other side of the car, digging under the driver’s seat with his gloved hand. Though not able to reach back very far with the seat as low as it was, he did manage to retrieve a collapsible metal baton, a crinkled up five-dollar bill, an old E-ZPass for tolls, and one final item that immediately drew his full attention. “Yo, Ryan, check this.” Ryan came around the car and took the broken gold object from Espo’s hand.

“It’s a Rolex. A broken Rolex.” He poked at the dangling clasp. “How the hell would a guy like Gionta have a watch like this?”

“Flip it over,” Espo told him. “What does that say?”

“Well,” Ryan replied smugly, “I do believe that’s Jimmy Vincent’s name engraved right there. It seems Papa Vincent must’ve bought his boys matching watches.” He remembered the very same gold watch they’d found on a dead Micky.

“And for some reason, Jimmy’s watch ended up in Gionta’s car.”

“Bag it. That’s coming with us.”

“Gionta was one of Micky’s boys, not Jimmy’s.”

“Abruzzo said Gionta worked for cash at the club sometimes.”

“For _cash_ , not for Rolexes,” Espo pointed out snappishly.

“Hey, pop the trunk,” Ryan hollered stepping to the back of the car. The latch popped and the trunk shifted, and he pulled it open the rest of the way. “ _Shit_. Espo!”

“What’s up?”

“Guess Little T isn’t in the wind anymore.”

“Damn,” Espo said, as he stood next to Ryan, looking over the dead body of Tony Gionta. “We should get this to Lanie, see if she can pull anything. Never know.” The bag with the watch in it was still in his hand. “Make sure someone’s on Vincent and make sure they have eyes on him all night- at the club and at his apartment. If Lanie can work a miracle and get us something, Beckett’s first day back might be a good one.”

**xxxx**

“I love the smell of you,” Kate purred, her bare skin pressed against his, her nose buried in the tiny cave where his neck met his pillow. Both of her hands held tight to tufts of his hair, and her body inched back and forth along his torso, physically unable to stop its motion once he’d stopped his.

“I smell good because I smell like _you_. You should’ve known that shower you took before you came over would be pointless.” His hands glided down her back and over her hips.

“Yeah? Why is that?”

“The whole wet hair thing,” he replied, very matter-of-factly. “It’s a weakness. A _big_ weakness.”

She pushed her body up and leaned against her folded arms across his chest. “Really? You’re a curious man, Richard Castle, but I’m making a mental note in case I ever want anything from you.” She smiled and pecked at his lips.

“Yes, really. Trust me, if you had seen you climb out of that pool in Los Angeles, you’d never look at wet hair the same either.”

“Liked the show, did you?”

“Certainly more than was appropriate for public consumption and most certainly more than I could tell you at the time.”

She pressed her open mouth to his chest. “Well, to be honest, I liked it too. I knew you were watching. I could tell.” A soft giggle escaped her lips. “That one night on the couch in our hotel room? I almost kissed you, you know. I really wanted to.”

“No.” He squeezed at her hips. “ _I_ almost kissed you.”

She sighed and slid down his body, her ear falling flat against his belly. “So many almosts to make up for.”

“That’s the fun pa-”

The sound of the loft door closing stopped him mid-sentence. “ _Shit_!” he whispered. “Who the hell is that? No one’s supposed to be home for hours.”

“Castle!” she scolded, rolling off him and burying herself beneath the covers.

He stepped out of bed and ran to the closet, threw on the first set of clothes he saw, and peeked out into the entryway through the crack in the door. He took a step back, entirely beside himself. When he turned back to the bed, Kate’s head was fully exposed again.

“Castle! Our clothes are all over the floor out there!” She offered no attempt at all to try and remain calm.

“Yeah, I know,” he agreed, “with Alexis.”

Kate stared wide-eyed at him, her mouth falling open in profound embarrassment. “You said-” she hissed, unable to find the rest of the words, as she slithered out of bed and ducked into the bathroom.

“This could be awkward,” he announced to the empty room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

Castle cracked the door open no more than needed and squeezed out of the bedroom. Alexis stood in the foyer, just a few steps away, amongst the discarded clothing scattered about the floor, a solitary item she’d plucked from the pile dangling from her finger, a Cheshire cat grin plastered across her face as she eyeballed it.

“I can explain!” he blurted, having no idea yet what the hell he was going to tell her that wouldn’t get him into hot water with Kate.

Alexis raised her head slowly, the grey tee branded with an NYPD logo held in her outstretched arm. “Is Detective Beckett going to be my new mommy?” she asked, with a torrent of amusement-laced sarcasm.

“That’s- what? Detective Beck-” He stammered like a fool, clearly trapped with no feasible escape route.

“You’ve paid for a top-notch private school education, Dad. I can read. And unless you’ve taken up with Detective Esposito who seems completely against your type, I have to assume this belongs to Detective Beckett.” She pulled the tee open by each shoulder, the traitorous letters sneering at him. They might as well have been a flashing neon sign above his bedroom door for all their subtlety: _Kate Beckett’s in here! Kate Beckett’s in here!_

Castle approached and snatched the shirt from her hand, a blush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks. “I’d like to be able to tell you it isn’t what it looks like, but this is all ridiculous enough already, I think.” He squeezed the tee tightly in his fist, punishment for its betrayal. “So much for secrets,” he mumbled under his breath.

“So, it’s true then? You and Beckett are…dating?” She’d realized midway through that he wouldn’t have been able to handle the first version of the question that’d come to mind, the less chaste version- not now, not ever, not from his daughter’s mouth. “When did this happen? I mean besides for, like, the past five years now.”

“It’s four years, actually,” he corrected ridiculously, as though that were the important part of the conversation. He flung the shirt over his shoulder and crept around her, picking up their remaining articles of clothing from the floor as he went- some more humiliating than others. “And it’s very, very new.” He stood upright, lost in the sublimity of the thought. “Wonderfully new,” he added softly.

“And after all this time, after everything you’ve been through together, you want to keep it a secret? I figured you’d be calling Page Six and taking out ads when it finally happened.”

“Yeah, well, I would, but it’s complicated, Alexis. If I decide to go back to work with her at the precinct, which isn’t definite yet, they have strict rules about partners dating, and I don’t want anything to come out that might get Kate into trouble or jeopardize her job. You don’t really know her, but I’m sure you’ve gathered from stories I’ve told you that Captain Gates can be a royal pain in the ass, and she plays by the book. She already doesn’t like me all that much. I certainly don’t want to give her any more reason.”

Alexis stepped into him and wrapped her arms around his waist in a tight hug. “How could anyone not like you, Dad? It’s impossible not to.”

“You’re not getting a tattoo,” he shot back preemptively, assuming her adulation masked an adolescent want of something he surely wouldn’t approve of.

“Whatever you guys are doing in there has your brain on the fritz. I don’t want a tattoo or anything else. I was serious.” She pulled back and looked up at him. “I’m really happy for you- for both of you. And if you want me to keep your secret, I will. I’d recommend you keep the lingerie on the floor in the foyer to a minimum, though. You know how Gram can be. You’d never hear the end of it.”

“Oh, I’m painfully aware of how my mother can be. From now on, clothes stay on until we’re in the bedroom.”

“Gross, Dad.”

“Right, sorry.”

“I need to get going. I just needed to stop home for some notes I forgot for study group. Tell Detective Beckett I said hi…and that she’d better not screw this up.” She snickered, only half-serious.

“I’ll do that, thanks. At least that first part.” He kissed her on the forehead.

“See you later, Dad.”

He watched as she disappeared up the stairs to her room and then he retreated to his own, their clothes piled in his hand. He came through the door still somewhat stunned by the last few moments, and Kate was nowhere in sight. He wandered into the bathroom and found her sitting on the vanity, his robe from the back of the door wrapped around her like a blanket. “Hey,” he said, matter-of-factly, as though nothing at all had happened. “You look adorable like that.”

Kate peered up at him from beneath her eyelashes. “Don’t even try to flatter your way out of this.”

He dropped everything from his hand onto the floor. “Excuse me? Need I remind you how our clothes ended up there in the first place?” He moved toward her and pushed the hair from her face. “If you don’t remember, it would be my great pleasure to paint the picture for you.”

“Stop it.” She pushed his hand away, playfully so. “What did you tell her?”

“Well, actually, she told _me_.” He bent down to the floor and dug her tee from the bottom of the pile. “She saw your very subtle NYPD shirt, here. Remind me again, how long have you been a cop? Kind of a rookie mistake, Detective.” He was enjoying the tease, and the fact that it was obviously getting a rise out of her.

“So you’re saying this is my fault?”

“No, no, fault implies wrongdoing. And let me be very, very clear. There will never, ever be a time I’ll find anything wrong with what you’re doing if it involves you showing up at my door and tearing off my clothes as well as your own.”

“Thanks for that pass, Castle. Your charity knows no bounds.” She pushed herself from the counter and clutched at the robe, her bare shoulder soft and exposed. “We already suck at this, Castle, this whole secret thing. We couldn’t even make it _one_ day. And now I have to face Alexis knowing that she knows and knowing how she found out.”

He floated his fingers along the curve of her neck. “I know my daughter. She won’t say a word. It’s going to be fine. We just have to keep things in the bedroom. Or, in the bathroom, I suppose.”

“I should probably just go, Castle. Your mom will probably be home soon, and, honestly, all of this has pretty much spoiled the mood.”

“Has it?” He tugged lightly at the collar of the robe and it dropped to the floor. His fingers circled her wrist and he drew her body against his insistently. His warm mouth found her neck, his tongue’s scrutiny of the skin there rendering her knees weak.

“Okay, maybe just one more time,” she purred.

**xxxx**

Kate arrived at the precinct the next morning before anyone else, her body well on its way to full recovery from its recent bout of exhaustion. She’d slept like a baby with Castle near her, touching her- his hand, his breath, the knob of his kneecap, it didn’t much matter. The previous night was their first full night apart in five days, but he’d left her body humming with such gratification, she’d fallen asleep the instant her head had hit the pillow, and she’d woken with an intense desire to dive back into her life.

Her desk was a wreck, files and paperwork covered every inch. Espo and Ryan had left her everything they had on the Thorne case under a Post-it that read: _3 AM.  Need sleep. See you in the morning. Clean_ _your desk!_ She studied the board and the files the boys had left, all the pieces of the puzzle she cursed herself for missing out on. She was in love with the discovery, the exploration, the resolution inherent in her job. It lit her up, it turned her on, and it filled her when nothing else could. She fingered the rough patch of skin on her forehead left by the accident and she fought off the pangs of guilt and disappointment that jabbed at her from beneath the surface. She was there _now_ and she forced herself to accept that was enough.

She checked the time on her phone and nearly two hours had passed. She’d missed a text from Castle, somehow, her attention focused solely on the mess at her fingertips. Why he was already awake at that hour, she didn’t know. _I can still smell you_ , it read, and her lips curled upward, her eyes scanning the room for anyone who might be around to see, as if they’d be able to tell why. But she was still alone, so she indulged her mind, let it wander back to the warmth of his sheets and the heat of his body. _You’re the most beautiful distraction_ , she typed in reply, before hiding the phone away in her drawer to try and refocus. Espo and Ryan would be in soon enough.

**xxxx**

“Hey, boss.” Espo tapped Kate on the shoulder and it caught her off guard, her eyes still scanning notes from the case. “Glad to have you back.”

“Hey, Espo, thanks, it’s good to be back. Not that I missed you or anything.”

“Course not,” he chuckled, “why would you? You were off having fun instead of resting like you should’ve been. In fact, you sure you should even be back? You still look a little…” He shrugged his shoulders and squinted his eyes, pointed at the purple and green spots on her face.

“Like you’re one to talk, Espo. What’s your excuse?” She pointed right back at him, the dark band along his cheek still pronounced.

“Fair enough,” he replied quickly in dismissal. “How long you been here? You check out the file?”

“How the hell could I miss it? Really appreciate you leaving it out for me to find, so neat and organized,” she quipped. “Read it a few times now, yeah. Lanie’s got the watch?”

“Yeah, I called in a favor last night, if you know what I mean.” He smiled arrogantly, a pat on his own back. “Should know later this morning, hopefully. She’s got the sneakers and the pants from the bag CSU found hidden in the spare tire too- blood on both. Wish all our suspects left behind such thoughtful gifts.”

“That would be nice. A bit less fun for us, but-”

“True that. You know, speaking of favors, looks like someone did one for you too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

His eyes dropped to her neck and he nodded.

“What?”

“What do you mean _what_? It’s like high school all over again.”

“Espo, just spit it out,” she barked, her tone a combination of aggravation and growing anxiety.

“It’s called a hickey, boss. And you’ve got one.” He grinned ear to ear.

“I do not,” she insisted. But she could feel the panic creeping up from her toes. She’d gotten up so early. She’d barely looked in a mirror. _Shit_. What if she did?

“Guess your time off didn’t suck, huh?” He released a raucous, in-your-face laugh.

Her head darted rapidly around the bullpen as she touched her fingers to her neck nervously. “Espo-”

“Naw, I’m just playin’ with you.”

“ _What_?” She could barely think straight.

“I got you so good.”

“You’re such an ass, Espo. It’s not funny.”

“It worked, didn’t it? All secretive about not being in the city. Please. You know you have to tell me now, right? I know there has to be some juicy story now.” He held his finger out in an accusatory point. “Wait a minute. You didn’t.”

She fumbled out an _I didn’t what?_ that wouldn’t have convinced a child of her bogus confusion, let alone a man who knew her as well as Espo did.

“It was him, wasn’t it? It was Castle.”

Kate literally had no idea what to say- like the few days away from her job had robbed her of all brain power, of all ability to think on her feet, to improvise.

“Come with me. Now. And keep your damn voice down.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him across the bullpen, shoved him into the break room.

Dammit. It hit her. Now two people knew. Two people in less than a day’s time.

_Espo knows,_ she texted Castle once she’d managed to straighten Espo out, gather herself and get back to her desk. _He says he won’t say anything_. _We really suck at this_.

**xxxx**

“That was Lanie,” Espo announced, hanging up his phone. “Ryan, come on.” They both stopped at Kate’s desk. “You comin’ with? It’s gonna be fun waking this a-hole up.”

“You guys go. I’m still catching up on some stuff. Besides, you guys did all the work on this, this one’s your fish.”

“Then we’ll call you on the way back.”

“Be careful.”

“You know it.” They headed toward the elevator, both amped up for the impending confrontation.

“Oh, and Espo, remember to duck this time,” Kate joked.

Espo smacked Ryan across the back of the head. “Thanks a lot, jackass.”

“It’s her first day back at work. She needed a laugh.” He patted down the hair Espo had tousled. “Not sure I’ll ever get tired of telling that story.”

“I’ll show you tired,” Espo grumbled. “Press the damn button and let’s go.”

“Oh, I pressed a button, it sounds like,” Ryan said with a grin, and the elevator doors closed in front of them.

Thirty minutes later they arrived at Jimmy Vincent’s building and parked around the corner to wait for the backup team to arrive, strictly precautionary. Based on everything they believed about what their suspect was capable of, it was a smart play to have another team ready.

“After all the crap we’ve seen, it’s still hard to believe someone could do something like this, ya know?”

Espo felt it too, he just rarely wore it on his sleeve. “Yeah, it’s pretty messed up. But, I still think we’re doin’ some good out here every day. I try to remember that. Helps take the edge off it.”

Ryan caught a glimpse of the patrol car pulling up in his side mirror. “They’re here. You ready?”

“Hell yeah, I’m ready.”

They stepped from the car and walked around the corner to the front of Vincent’s building. It would still be early for him, the club owner who’d told them he usually worked all night and slept until afternoon. They pressed the button for his unit on the callbox outside, over and over, sometimes holding it down for blocks of seconds at a time- anything to annoy Vincent enough to answer. He did, finally, and in less time than they’d imagined, his voice screeching back at them through the metal box.

“What the hell do you want?” he shouted, his voice coming through like he was talking through a tin can, muffled and hollow.

“NYPD, Mr. Vincent. We need you to let us in. Now.”

“What the hell is this about?”

“Now, Mr. Vincent.”

The front door buzzed loudly and Ryan pulled it open. They climbed the stairs to the third floor, electing not to waste time waiting for the elevator, and approached unit 3C with their weapons drawn. Espo pounded on Vincent’s door with his fist, the tiny knocker under the peephole bouncing up and down from the force.

“Jimmy Vincent!” Espo shouted, “Open up!”

They could hear the click of the deadbolt turning and they both took a step back. “Slowly!” Ryan instructed.

The door opened and Vincent appeared, still dressed in the clothes they presumed he was wearing at the club the previous night. He looked at each of them, their guns pointed directly at him, but he didn’t flinch, didn’t take an extra breath, didn’t bat an eye. “Detectives, what’s going on, exactly?” His tone was flat, infuriatingly calm.

“What’s going on, Mr. Vincent, is you’re under arrest for the murders of Talia Thorne and Tony Gionta.” Espo advanced on him and pulled him through the doorway, pinned him against the wall in the hallway and patted him down. He had a small pocketknife on him, and Espo threw it to the floor where Ryan kicked it away.

Ryan informed him of his rights while Espo cuffed him and spun him around by the collar of his shirt.

“I told you before, it’s _Jimmy_ ,” was the only thing he had to say.

Vincent was as quiet as a mouse during the ride back to the 12th, glaring standoffishly at Espo’s reflection in the rearview mirror the entire time.

**xxxx**

Kate had just managed to clear her desk of the mess of paperwork when her cell phone rang. Expecting that it was Espo or Ryan, she reached for it without paying attention to the name or image that appeared across the display. “Beckett,” she answered, very much in work form.

“Wow,” Castle oohed, “I haven’t heard your work voice in far too many days. Say it again, just as sexy.”

“You need to get out more.”

“I need to get _in_ more. Want to meet me in the stairwell?”

“What?” She looked around the bullpen but saw only her colleagues. “Are you here?”

“Don’t react,” he told her and he hung up.

Thirty seconds later, he strolled off the elevator and past her desk to Gates’ office. He didn’t stop. He didn’t look. He just kept walking. He peered around her office door but the room was empty. “Hey, Bill,” he called out to the desk across the way, “Captain in?”

“Yeah, she’s in. I just saw her head down the hall.”

“Great, thanks.”

Kate watched him as he stood outside Gates’ office awaiting her return. He never once looked her direction, waved, nodded, smiled- anything. He just stared up at the television playing the news like he was in a waiting room somewhere. For a guy who claimed to be so cool under pressure, he looked anything but. He couldn’t have looked less natural, less relaxed, less like a man with nothing to hide.

“Mr. Castle? What are you doing here?” Gates returned a few moments later to find him hovering. She glanced over at Kate who shrugged her shoulders and crooked her mouth as though just as confused. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Actually, I was hoping we could talk for a minute if you aren’t too busy.”

“I’m always too busy, Mr. Castle.”

“Right, yes, of course.”

“But come in anyway,” she huffed. He let her walk ahead and he flashed Kate a goofy thumbs up.

She could only imagine how badly this was going to go.

She sat up as straight as she could to keep an eye on what was happening between the two. Castle hadn’t sat down and he was gesticulating nervously. He did that.

“Hello, Detective Beckett,” she heard from somewhere over her right shoulder, and she turned to see Espo and Ryan leading a smug Jimmy Vincent to an interrogation room. She caught Espo’s eye and he hers, and then Espo’s face became one giant knowing grin as he spotted Castle standing in Gates’ office. Kate countered with a most stern expression of displeasure and he reined it in immediately with a fake cough.

Her first day back was about to get very interesting.

**xxxx**

“So, may I ask what exactly has changed in just the last few days, Mr. Castle? Our last conversation felt quite final.”

“Yes,” he replied, but nothing followed.

“Yes, I may ask?”

“No. I mean, yes, at the time, it was final.” He sounded like a bumbling idiot. “I’ve had more time to think about it and I’ve had something of a change of heart.”

“Is that so? And now I should- _we_ should- just welcome you back with open arms, is that it? This isn’t a place for whims, Mr. Castle.” She pulled her glasses from her face and set them down, noticed the quick dart of his eyes in the direction of Kate’s desk. “Have you spoken with the team about this? Detective Beckett, most importantly. Their input would be critical in my decision, of course.”

“Of course, yes, I understand that. I haven’t had an opportunity to talk to them yet, but-”

“Make certain you do,” she interrupted.

“Yes, sir.”

“I don’t claim to understand much of what they see in you, Mr. Castle.”

That one stung a bit.

“Nevertheless,” she continued, surprising him when she did, “they seem incomplete without you.”

He wanted to smile but he held it back.

“If they agree to this, if _I_ agree to this, don’t make any of us regret it, least of all Detective Beckett. You’re her partner. She needs to be able to count on you.”

“I understand.”

“That’s all, Mr. Castle.” She banished him without another glance, and he walked contentedly from the office until he realized he now had to get Espo and Ryan to agree to it. He’d walked out on them too. It definitely wasn’t a sure thing.

Kate stood when he reappeared and she followed a few steps behind as he made his way toward the elevator. Gates stood as well, though neither saw her as she watched them standing awkwardly together, staring at the glowing button on the wall. The corner of her mouth curled slightly as they stepped into the elevator car together and the doors slid shut.

“What was that, Castle? What did she say?” Kate turned to him anxiously.

He cupped her cheeks and pulled her against him, his mouth on hers hard and fast. She succumbed to his insistence and grabbed at his waist. The elevator chimed as they moved lower, floor by floor, until they reached his destination. “Call me when you’re done later,” he said, and he walked through the doors, her lips tingling, left to wonder.

**xxxx**

Kate took the stairs back up to the 4th floor. Something about Castle’s comment earlier about meeting him there, however off-the-cuff it was, had gotten to her, and she took each step with her imagination entertaining the possibilities.

She came through the door into the bullpen to find Gates waiting. “They’ve been in there with Mr. Vincent.”

It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t an order, but Kate jumped into line, nonetheless. “Yes, sir, I was just on my way to observe.”

“Yes, I thought I saw you headed in that direction, Detective.” Her sarcasm was entirely overt. “If it seems like they need you, you get in there.”

“Yes, sir.”

Gates went back to her office and Kate moved on to interrogation to watch Espo and Ryan at work with Vincent. She flipped the audio switch on the wall and listened at the glass, her eyes fixed on their suspect but her thoughts elsewhere. She pictured herself in Castle’s shoes, outside that very glass weeks before, watching and listening until everything had changed so suddenly with just a few words.

“He fuckin’ deserved it. Fuckin’ idiot was useless. Greedy goddamned bastard was supposed to be long gone. He fuckin’ wanted more.” Vincent had said the words like they could’ve been any words at all, and Kate’s mind flashed back to her own. She wondered if Castle had heard her deliver them in such an unceremonious, cold tone. “Talia? Goddamned druggie. Only one dumb enough to miss her was Micky. Idiot. She got what she deserved. So did he.”

Kate snapped back into the moment, hearing what Vincent had just said, what he continued to say. He was going on about ridding the planet of Gionta, the greedy asshole, about how worthless and expendable Talia Thorne was, about how Micky would’ve ended up dead with a needle in his arm eventually anyway so what did it matter. “Greedy goddamned bastard,” he kept muttering, as he stared at the baggie containing his gold Rolex on the table at Espo’s hand. Kate could see the wheels turning in his head, like he was working his damnedest to remember when it’d been ripped from his wrist and how it’d delivered him to this point. “I want to call my fuckin’ lawyer,” he announced a moment later.

“Sure thing, _Jimmy_ ,” Espo taunted. “Good luck with that. Oh, and tell your lawyer he’d better call someone to fill in for you at the club tonight…and every night after that.” He grabbed the baggie and Ryan the file and they left Vincent sitting there alone.

“That was- unexpected,” Kate said as they closed the door behind them.

“Guy’s a narcissistic prick. He probably loved every minute of it.”

“Ryan’s right. If you’d seen this guy the past few days, well, those pointy heels of yours would’ve come in handy.”

They made their way out to Kate’s desk. “I missed the beginning of the show, so fill me in.”

“Not so fast,” Espo blurted. “What the hell was Castle doing here?”

Ryan’s head snapped in his direction. “Castle was here?”

**xxxx**

Kate had been home less than ten minutes when the knock at the door came. She’d called Castle on her way out of the precinct and had told him to meet her at her place, no chance of awkward interruptions there. She’d managed to change into more comfortable clothes and pull her hair up off her neck, their plan to order dinner in, so she didn’t much care about her unkempt appearance.

“Hey,” she said, opening the door to a handful of wildflowers. “You know, I half-expected you to be sitting outside my door waiting for me when I got home.”

“Is your implication here that you believe me to have stalker tendencies? If so, you don’t really deserve these.” He pretended to toss the bouquet over his shoulder.

“If the five books fit.”

“Actually, it’s six. She’s in the hands of my editor now. Of course, that didn’t really help my counterargument any. Quick, take these because you’re so pretty.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed, as she invited him in, the flowers in hand. “They’re beautiful, Castle, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. Now come over here so I can greet you properly.”

“I’m the one who lives here, Castle, so I should be greeting _you_ properly.” She placed the flowers on the kitchen counter and stepped into his body, his inches on her far more pronounced with her bare feet. She rose up onto her toes and glided her lips along the length of his neck. He smelled of soap and confidence, and when the tip of her tongue slipped out for a taste, it brought back with it a hint of salt. “Castle,” she whispered, at the arc of his lobe, “I welcome you to my home.”

Her mouth was on his before he was able to summon a reply, the goose bumps along his bare arms evidence of the effect of her seductive tone against his skin. His hands grasped at her hair as the intensity grew, as she pushed him backward against the counter, as her fingers clawed at the edge of his shirt to hunt for skin.

When she finally pulled back, his lips were a deep shade of pink, his breath uneven in the most captivating way. “And that’s how we do it here at Casa Beckett. Please, come again soon.”

He chuckled and cleared his throat at the same time, a sound he could probably never duplicate. “Now that one’s just too easy, so I’m going to take a pass. You can owe me one for my restraint.”

Kate backed away and reached into a cabinet for a vase.

“Hey, no more wrap on the wrist, I see. Is it feeling good enough for that?”

“Been trying today without it. It’s been a bit sore, but I was basically at my desk all day, so it was a good time to experiment. Speaking of today, how come you didn’t tell me you were coming in?” She fiddled with the paper and the elastic around the flowers as he looked on.

“Right, that. I didn’t want you to be thinking about it, I guess, not on your first day back. I was sure you’d have enough to deal with as it was.”

“Yeah, I only had to think about it for half the day this way, thanks,” she wisecracked.

“I’m sorry. I’m impulsive and reckless- just ask Gates.”

She reached into a drawer for a pair of scissors. “Is that what she said?”

“Not today, no. Actually, it went pretty well. I don’t think she was entirely warm to the idea of me coming back, but she’s basically leaving it up to you guys, the three of you, to decide if you want me around. That felt right to me- more than fair given how I left.”

“Sounds very generous of her. I’ll talk to the guys about it, then.” She snipped the ends off the stems and organized the flowers in the vase, ran some water and put them on display. “These really are beautiful, Castle.”

“As are you,” he said.

“So, six-book-writing stalker, what are we ordering to eat?”

**xxxx**

Their food delivery arrived within the hour, the moments until then spent making out on the sofa like a pair of overly-anxious teenagers. They couldn’t get enough of each other, the four years of wanting and wondering built up needing to be quenched. It was a whole new world of exploration for both, cataloguing tastes and sounds and responses and patterns, and the only thing each discovery seemed to spark was a hunger for more.

“Thanks for answering that,” he said, a pillow across his lap, as she walked back through the kitchen with the bags of food in hand. “If I’d gone, I would’ve owed him a much bigger tip. And maybe a promise I’d never call again.”

“Never know, Castle, maybe you would’ve been his type… _up_ for anything.”

“Nice one.”

“Thank you very much.” She took a bow, most pleased with herself. “Of course,” she continued, leaning over in front of him, her hands braced against his knees, “I’d never let him have you.” Her eyes made a slow trip down his body to his lap. “ _That_ is mine now and mine alone.”

He swallowed visibly, deeply. “Have I told you how much I’m enjoying this new side of you?”

“Oh, it’s not new, Castle. It’s just new to you. And there’s much more to come.”

He angled his back off the sofa cushion and pressed his mouth against hers. “Let’s eat, so we can be done eating.”

They’d set up the food at the coffee table again, casually and comfortably, propped up on pillows, close to one other. They talked and laughed and ate, Castle sharing a chapter note from his editor that he’d found particularly absurd, Kate sharing details of the Thorne case that Espo and Ryan had sealed up earlier.

“So, the dirtbag brother set the whole thing up? That’s diabolical. I should use this in a book, somehow.”

Kate squinted her eyes disapprovingly as she swallowed down another bite. “Without Abruzzo’s statement and the trooper finding that car, it might not have come down the way it did. It’s incredible, you know. Money makes people do crazy things, Castle. Like you buying that weird, gold hand sculpture in the loft, for example.”

“Jealous.” He shook his head and she smiled. “You know, this is one reason I’m very glad I don’t have any siblings.”

“What, so they can’t ruthlessly kill the person they’d hired to murder your girlfriend in hopes of setting you up to get your share of a nightclub? Of course, you’d never come to find out they’d done such a thing because you’d already OD’d on heroin with the help of said murderer- someone you thought was one of your own loyal crew, incidentally- who tried to make it appear you’d been so devastated by what you’d done, you took your own life. Is that why you’re glad, Castle?”

“Well, that’s pretty specific, but, yeah, I suppose so. And may I add, I found your Cliffs Notes version kinda hot. _Not_ the multiple heinous crimes part, of course, but the succinct delivery was particularly appealing. I should think about having you write my book pitches for me.”

“We should think about getting you back to the 12th so I don’t have to walk you through any more cases after the fact. It’s much less fun this way.” She put down her chopsticks and leaned back against the edge of the sofa. “Do you want to talk to Espo and Ryan on your own first or do you just want me to talk to them?”

“Actually, I thought about this today after I left the precinct. I was thinking about maybe having a dinner party at the loft- something small, just us, Mother and Alexis, Lanie and the boys. It’ll give me a chance to talk to everyone at once, try and get back in their good graces. Plus, everyone likes a good dinner party, right?”

“I suppose. We just have to be careful, Castle. I mean, Alexis and Espo both know about us already. If anyone else senses anything’s going on, this could all snowball out of control.”

“Well, I thought about that too.”

“Thought about what?”

“About just telling everyone. Just going for it.”

“Wait, _what_? I thought this was about you coming back to work, Castle, and about an apology. Now you want to risk everyone knowing? What about Gates?”

“It is. It is about coming back to work, and about apologizing, but it’s also about loving you and wanting everyone else I love to know it. I kept imagining how hard it’d be to be that close to you every day, trying not to look at you like I know what every inch of your body tastes like- trying to somehow hide that from everyone.”

She looked at him with a scowl.

“Look, I want to be able to promise that I can behave myself 100 percent of the time, but your mere existence makes that impossible. And I couldn’t help but wonder if trying to keep it from just one person might not be easier than trying to keep it from many people. But-”

“But?”

He scooted in closer, ran his fingers along the back of her neck. “But I know you’re not comfortable with it- not yet, at least. I know now isn’t the time and we can’t risk your job. I know that. No one wants you hurt in all of this, Kate, least of all me. I’ve waited so long for this, and, honestly, if I could, I’d tell anyone and everyone who would listen how much I love you.” He reached for her hand. “For now, though, as long as I can tell you, I’m happy.”

“Tell me,” she whispered.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He smiled exuberantly.

Her lips met his softly. “Dinner party, huh?”

“We’ll be careful. I’ll fix everything. It’ll be great, I promise.”

“I hope so, Castle,” she sighed. “Have your party.”

“Thank you!” he exclaimed, before leaping up and grabbing his jacket off the nearby chair. He pulled his phone from one of the pockets and began typing furiously. “I’m texting everyone now- Friday night, dinner, my place.”

She could literally feel the buzz of excitement radiating off of him, and she sat there watching him, hoping she wasn’t going to end up regretting this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

Castle had called and hired a small catering company to handle the dinner party, Paula’s recommendation- nothing fancy, but he wanted the freedom to be able to spend uninterrupted time with his guests. It was to be an important night. He wanted so much to return to the 12th, despite how hard he’d tried to convince himself of the contrary the day he’d phoned Gates and quit. It’d been just days away from the precinct, away from the team he’d felt so much a part of, yet he already missed everything about it, and he was prepared to do whatever it might take to convince Espo and Ryan that he was worthy of a second chance, that he _would_ be there, that they, as well as Kate, could count on him.

Kate still felt somewhat anxious about the whole party idea. Sure, she’d shared with Espo the broad strokes about what’d happened with Castle, but she hadn’t painted him the entire picture. She didn’t need to, really. She was sure his imagination would run wild in the end, anyway, regardless of what she did or didn’t tell him. At least he hadn’t blabbed his suspicions about the two of them to Ryan, which she appreciated.

Actually, Ryan still hadn’t asked a single question about where she was or what she was doing while she was out, and when Espo had caught her look of panic at Ryan’s confusion as to why Castle was at the precinct earlier in the week, he’d, luckily for her, jumped in with a heroically snarky comment of dismissal. Kate knew if there was any hope of her being able to keep their secret long-term, she’d seriously need to work on her skills at projecting casual.

Espo, Ryan and Lanie had all responded to Castle’s text invite and agreed to be there, though not right away. They’d made him stew a bit. He deserved that. Ryan came to Kate asking what the whole thing was all about and she’d shrugged it off as though she knew just as much as he did: Castle wanted to talk to everyone together and it was important. It may as well have been an invitation for a root canal with all the enthusiasm she was demonstrating. She just wanted to go and get it over with, she’d told him. That’s how she’d punctuated it- with indifference. “Right, yeah, okay,” Ryan had replied.

There was no definitive way of knowing how the night would go and Kate feared that reality. Quick and painless is what she wanted, less so is what she suspected, a complete disaster is what she hoped to avoid.

**xxxx**

“Hey,” Kate answered, the interruption of her phone once again drawing her away from preparation for the day. “It’s early. Why are you up?”

“Because I wanted my voice to be the first one you heard today. My small gift to you.”

She chuckled softly, a towel still wrapped around her body, a comb in hand. “That’s sweet, Castle. I’ll put it in the pile along with Ray Charles’s and Jim Beckett’s.”

“Man, really? Guess you’ve been up for a while, then.” He sounded genuinely disappointed.

“Only about half an hour. Ray’s been keeping me excellent morning company, though, and my dad was already on the train for an early meeting in Stamford. He called to check in, of course. Heaven forbid he lets a day slide by.”

“Well, then, I get to be the last voice before sleep tonight. It’s only fair.”

“I’d like that- that is _if_ we make it through tonight.” She walked around the bed and pulled open a dresser drawer for a bra and panties.

“It’s going to be great. I’ll feed them good food, I’ll pour them good wine, I’ll charm the pants off of them. As is the Richard Castle way. And, hey, speaking of pants being off, are you wearing the black ones today?”

She grinned through the blush in her cheeks. “Excuse me?” She knew precisely what he meant. But she still wanted to hear him say it. There was something infinitely sexy about the deep rumble of his voice in the morning.

“You know how I love the black ones, Detective. The ones I slid deliciously from your body at the cabin. The ones with the lace that sit low against your hips and follow your curve and dip into-”

“Shit, I have to leave here soon, Castle, so you need to stop talking like that.” His husky tone was already getting to her in a way she, most regrettably, didn’t have the time for. “I really hate this not-seeing-you-for-two-days thing. Tell me tonight is going to fix that.”

“I promise you, Kate. I’m going to fix it.”

“I hope so, Castle. Look, I have to finish getting ready, okay? I’ll call you later, Mr. Fix It. I love you.”

“Have a nice morning. Love you too. Bye.”

**xxxx**

Castle hung up, splashed some much needed cold water on his face, and shuffled to the kitchen to make some coffee. He had edits on the book to get through before he did anything else, and he’d been putting them off, but if there was a chance he might end up back at the precinct on Monday, he knew he should finally pay them some attention. The task wouldn’t be an easy one, however, his imagination now waging war against his responsibility, the image of Kate wearing only heavenly black lace a vision he wouldn’t soon be able to shake.

“Penny for your thoughts, darling? From the looks of it, they must be marvelous.” His mother’s voice cut cruelly into his reverie and halted it like a needle scratching across a spinning record. “Wait, on second thought, don’t tell me. There are some things a mother shouldn’t know, after all.”

“Who are you and what’ve you done with Martha Rodgers? Certainly _my_ mother has never believed that to be true.” He held up a second empty mug and she nodded in acceptance, and he poured the coffee grounds into the machine and set it to start.

“I’m nothing if not unpredictable, dear.” She pulled out a stool and took a seat at the counter. “So, what’s on the agenda for today? Need any help with the preparations for tonight’s festivities? I have a few hours free this afternoon.”

“Everything’s covered, Mother, but I thank you for the lovely offer. I have some work to do on a few chapters and then I can start putting things together. There isn’t all that much to do, anyway. It’s just a few people from work, plus you and Alexis.”

“From work, yes. And did Beckett ever RSVP to this little soiree of yours?” Her eyebrows inched upward with curiosity.

Castle spun around to the coffee maker to check on its progress though he’d just started it. He didn’t want her to catch the tiny curve of his lips at the mere sound of Kate’s name. Like the coffee, thoughts of her in his favorite lingerie were still percolating. “She did, yes, and she will be here, as shocking as it may sound.”

“Well, I’m sure she must be interested in what you have to say, as are we all.” She stood and pushed the stool back in. “Richard, are you sure you want us here for this? I don’t want to be a distraction. You don’t owe me anything. I hope you know that. I’m sure Alexis feels the same. We understand things have been difficult for you lately.”

He walked across the kitchen and leaned against the counter in front of her. “I want you both here, Mother. I’m doing this for all of us, and I think things will be a lot better afterward.”

“Then, we look forward to it. Now, hit me with some of that caffeine so I can keep up with all of you kids tonight. I shall go and leave you to your wordsmithery.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

“Ta-ta for now, darling.” She grabbed her mug of coffee and fluttered away. “Should be a most interesting affair.”

**xxxx**

“Are we supposed to be bringing anything tonight? I didn’t ask when I RSVP’d.” Kate was at the board writing up some notes when Ryan approached. They’d gotten a new case the prior afternoon and, as always, she needed what little they had up there in front of her to begin to work through it.

“What do you mean?”

“Like wine or something, you know- dinner party etiquette. Jenny told me I should ask.”

Ryan was a sweet man. Kate wondered sometimes how he’d really ended up at the NYPD. He was so much softer than his job. “Oh, right, I’m not sure. I didn’t ask either.” He continued to look at her, as though he expected something more- guidance, advice, she had no idea. “Castle’s lucky we’re even showing up, as far as I’m concerned.” That was the cherry on top of her bogus I’m-still-mad-at-Castle sundae- entirely for Ryan’s benefit, bordering on histrionic to the point it probably sounded suspicious.

“Okay, then,” Ryan replied, hesitant to take the conversation any further. “Should be a fun night,” he mumbled sarcastically, as he turned and walked away.

A few moments later, Kate was interrupted yet again, this time by the sound of Gates’ voice calling across the bullpen from her office’s entryway. “Detective Beckett, may I see you a moment?” Kate dropped her notepad on her desk and went immediately.

“Sir?”

“Have a seat, Detective.”

Kate pulled a chair back and sat. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“I was going to ask you that very question. Have you spoken with Mr. Castle since he was here the other day? About what I told you he and I discussed? No one’s mentioned anything, so I wasn’t certain where things stood on that front.”

Kate folded her hands together in her lap and pressed them against her leg which had started to bounce up and down nervously. “I haven’t seen him, sir.” _Dammit_. That wasn’t what she asked. “Aaaand, I haven’t spoken with him either, no,” she stammered in weak recovery. Then she remembered his voice on the phone that morning and the black and the sliding from her body, none of which helped matters any. “But- but, we have a plan to talk tonight.”

“That’s fine. I just want to be sure I’m kept informed. If he’s going to be back with us, I’ll need time to prepare my patience.”

Kate wasn’t certain whether or not to laugh. It was funny. And it was true. “I understand, sir. We should have an answer for you by Monday.”

“Very well, Detective, thank you. Now, where do things stand with Mr. Jasper’s coworkers?”

“We’re beginning the interviews today, sir.”

“Good. That’ll be all.”

“Yes, sir.” Kate stood and moved toward the door. “Sir?”

Gates looked up from her paperwork, her glasses poised at the end of her nose. “What is it, Detective?”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen with Castle.” She suddenly felt the need to qualify her statement. “I mean, whether or not we’ll all decide we want him back here with us. But, whatever happens, I appreciate your having an open mind about it. I know he can be…a challenge.”

Gates pulled off her glasses. “I just hope he knows how lucky a man he is, Detective- I mean, to have the opportunity for a second chance, that is. Hopefully, if he gets it, he’ll use it wisely.”

“Yes, sir. Hopefully he will.”

Kate walked out of her office, Gates watching through the blinds as she passed by, both women smiling softly.

**xxxx**

“Hi, you on your way?” Castle answered excitedly, examining potential wine selections for the evening from the cooler in the kitchen. The catering team of two had arrived earlier and was busy setting up behind him, Martha and Alexis readying upstairs.

“The guys took off a little while ago and I’m leaving now. I need to head home to change and then I’ll be over.”

“How’d the rest of the interviews go this afternoon?”

“Just have the wine ready. Let’s put it that way.”

“Ooo, talk about kismet,” he marveled, “I just got chills. I’m choosing tonight’s bottles as we speak.”

“Well then, maybe it wasn’t so much kismet chills as it was cold wine fridge chills.”

He shook his head dismissively. “One day, Detective, I’ll make a believer of you.”

“We’ll just see about that. Okay, I’m going to run so I can get home. And remember, Castle, don’t act all excited when I get there. We’re supposed to be fighting…or something.”

He pulled out another bottle and shut the cooler door. “Maybe I should stand in front of the wine fridge for a while longer, then. Make sure I don’t get all hot and bothered the moment I see you.” He glanced over his shoulder, remembering suddenly he wasn’t alone, though no one seemed to have heard a word.

“You have the self-control of a fourteen-year-old.”

“You love it and you know it.”

She smiled audibly. “I’ll see you later.”

He dropped his phone back into his pocket. “What can I do, darling?” he heard from across the room, his mother appearing, as she so often did, in attire practically demanding a dimmer switch.

“Mother, you look lovely, as always,” he told her, blinking his eyes rapidly out of pure necessity.

“Thank you, Richard. You’re quite a handsome vision, yourself.” She placed her hands lovingly on his cheeks. “My boy,” she said, “I truly am the luckiest mother.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that,” he teased.

“Argue with what?” Alexis asked, popping up seemingly out of thin air.

“With the fact that your grandmother struck gold in the son department. You look nice, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Dad. I’m really looking forward to tonight. Gram is too.” She turned to Martha for affirmation. “Right?”

“’Tis true, darlings, ‘tis true. Now then, give us something to do, Richard- idle hands, idle hands.”

Very little needed attending to at that point, his guests scheduled to arrive shortly. “I suppose we should have some music, so one of you can handle that, right? And, I picked out some wine so someone can help me open a few bottles.”

“I’ll get the music!” Martha declared energetically.

“Okay, Mother, but no show tunes. Not unless things go well and we’re all drunk later.”

“Understood,” she replied, notably disappointed.

Alexis helped him open the bottles once Martha had stepped away. They stood together in the kitchen, Martha now out of earshot, and gathered up wine glasses for the guests. “I’m glad you’re here tonight,” Castle told her. “I think it’s going to be a good night.”

“I just hope you and Detective Beckett can manage to keep your clothes on for the entire party,” she quipped.

“ _Alexis,_ ” he hissed, “would you keep your voice down, please? Your grandmother’s across the room- she’s not deaf!” He fidgeted with the base of one of the glasses on the counter, spinning it until it tumbled over and cracked. Alexis looked at it and then at him. “Now-this-”

“Relax, Dad,” she said, her hand reaching out for his wrist. “You need to relax. I was joking, and I wasn’t even talking loud enough for Gram to hear.”

“I’m sorry. I know. I’m sorry.” He took a few deep breaths in. “I’m relaxed. Everything’s fine.” Then the front door buzzed and his body jumped, sending the cracked glass toppling over yet again. “Yeah, everything’s good.” He wasn’t sure which one of them he was trying to convince.

**xxxx**

Ryan and Jenny were the first to arrive, and Castle was glad she was able to come. If Ryan wasn’t thrilled to be there, at least he’d have her to talk to. The two brought a bottle of wine with them, despite Ryan’s somewhat perplexing conversation with Kate about it earlier, and he thanked them and welcomed them in. When Martha and Alexis came around to say their hellos, Castle took the wine to the kitchen.

Ryan seized the opportunity to sneak away from the ladies a few minutes later and he headed for the kitchen, as Castle pulled down another glass to replace the one he’d broken. “Hey, Castle,” he said, “it’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Ryan. I’m very happy you agreed to come.” For a man who made his living by way of his words, he felt uncharacteristically uncertain as to where exactly to begin. “I have some open already. Can I offer you a glass?”

“Sure, thanks. Red, please, if you have it.”

“Red, it is.” Castle poured and presented it. “You know,” he began in soft tone, “I wanted the chance to tell you face-to-face how sorry I am for the way I’ve been acting lately, and for walking out on all of you without any explanation. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, not really myself, and I know that’s not a fair excuse for my behavior, but I hope you’ll accept my apology. You’ve always been kind and supportive and I want to assure you that I won’t ever take that for granted again.”

Ryan moved the glass to his left hand and extended his right. “I appreciate you saying so, Castle. I hope you realize you’re not just Beckett’s partner. You’re my partner too, and if you ever need to talk about anything, you can come to me.”

“That means a lot, thank you. Now, what can I get your beautiful bride to drink? We should probably get back over there before the ladies start plotting to take over the world. I have little doubt they could do it.”

Castle and Ryan rejoined the group and everyone moved to the sofa to sit more comfortably, hors d’oeuvres passed and plenty of wine at the ready. Martha’s surprisingly tame selection of classical music played lightly in the background, and the aroma of the evening’s meal wafted through the air.

Espo was next to arrive, with Lanie on his arm, Martha taking notice of Castle’s expression as the sound of the buzzer echoed around them. It was written all over his face, his anticipation of Kate’s arrival- impossible for him to hide.

Castle shook Espo’s hand and kissed Lanie on the cheek, and they greeted the small group already gathered inside. Castle retreated to the kitchen, once again, to collect a drink for each, tapping Espo on the shoulder upon his return and pulling him aside. Because he already knew about what was going on with Kate, he had to talk to him away from other ears, so he led him back toward the office.

“You should’ve told me about Beckett, bro,” was the first thing out of Espo’s mouth. “We’re guys. We tell each other this stuff.”

“We do? I mean, _yes_ , we do. Look, this all just happened and I haven’t seen you and- my fault, definitely my fault,” he sputtered nervously, as Espo took a menacing step toward him. “Thank you for agreeing to keep it quiet. We both really appreciate it. A lot.”

Espo didn’t reply, just tipped his glass back for another sip. “Yeah, well, you better not jack this up. I got Beckett’s back on this, not yours.”

“I understand, yes. I mean, no. I won’t.”

“Damn right.”

“And about the way things have been, about the past few weeks, I’m-”

”You don’t need to say it, brother. We’re good. Treat her right and we’re good.”

Castle stepped in to pat him on the back. “Whoa, I said we’re good, Castle. No need for the touchy-feely stuff.”

“Got it.” He backed away and grinned awkwardly in the silence that followed. “It’s nice to see you here with Lanie, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Espo agreed, as the door sounded from behind him in announcement of the night’s final guest. Castle drifted a few steps to his right, allowing him a clear view out to the front entryway. “That your girl?”

Castle didn’t say a word, merely smiled when the door opened and Alexis invited Kate in.

“Game face, bro. And you’re worried about me? Whatever.”

Everyone watched as Castle hurried across the room and approached Kate. And subtle about it, they were not, the chatter of ongoing conversations coming to an immediate halt. “Thank you for coming,” he said timidly, and she nodded with a hushed _sure_. She’d worn a jacket and he offered to take it from her, their fingers meeting clandestinely beneath the soft fabric during the exchange. Kate looked to the floor in the aftermath of his fleeting touch, its striking power after two days without it jarring to her senses.

The others in the room glanced around at each other awkwardly, uncertain as to what should come next, and it was Martha who took the reins, who broke the perceived tension, who welcomed Kate effervescently. “Come in, dear girl!” she exclaimed, rising from the sofa and bounding toward her. “It’s nice to see you again. You look lovely.”

“Thank you, Martha,” Kate replied meekly, the attention from the room more than a bit uncomfortable.

“Would you like a drink?” Castle asked. “I have some wine open.”

She shouted a plea with her eyes but voiced instead a demure “Yes, thank you,” her absolute necessity of it something she felt no need to share with the group.

Castle walked Kate’s jacket all the way back to the office, having no idea why other than he couldn’t seem to think clearly anymore with her around and that’s where his legs took him. She met him at the kitchen counter a moment later to gather her glass, the others having picked up the conversations they’d put on pause when she’d arrived. He wanted to hold her, to touch her face, to feel her lips on his, but he clenched his jaw and pressed forward with the charade, looking every bit as uncomfortable as he felt he should.

“ _What_?” Kate barked out of the clear blue, jolting him into a state of panic and confusion. Everyone else tried not to look, futilely so, the outburst too stunning for any of them to ignore. Castle was in trouble- again. Still. That was clear.

Kate’s eyes opened wide and Castle realized he was supposed to play along. “Come on, Beckett. You have to give me another chance!” he shouted in reply, feeling increasingly idiotic, as each word dribbled out with more of a childish whine than its predecessor.

“Why the hell should we, Castle? You’re the one who walked away!”

That one stung.

Castle hung his head, and Espo nudged Ryan with his elbow. “Hey, uh, Beckett,” Ryan hollered from across the room. He managed to regain his balance after the firm shove, and he made his way toward her with Espo in tow. “We couldn’t help but overhear- mostly because you were yelling, but- we, Javi and I, have decided we’d like Castle to come back. To work. With us.” It all fell out of his mouth gracelessly, clear that he feared how she might react.

Espo threw Castle a sideways glance and a disapproving shake of the head. “It’s true. I’m not sure why, but I already miss having him around- the _old_ him, not the new him.”

“Yeah,” Ryan chimed in, “the new him was kind of a douche.”

Espo smacked Ryan on the back of the head. “I can make my own points, thanks. But, yeah, what he said.”

Kate studied their faces as they stared back at her, like a couple of kids who’d just begged their mother for ice cream. When she turned back to Castle, he quickly calmed the smile on his face and cleared his throat. “I don’t have any idea what the hell you promised them, but it must be something good.” She looked at them with their optimistic expressions. “Fine,” she conceded, “but consider this a probationary period, Castle.” She pointed her finger at him to emphasize the point, and Espo and Ryan followed suit mockingly. “Seriously, guys?”

“Sorry,” they mumbled in unison.

“I promise I’ll never make you regret this,” Castle assured her.

“Better not,” Espo warned, his admonition about more than simply the job. He pulled Ryan by arm and they returned to their dates.

Alexis approached a moment later, hesitantly, but with a signal of approval from Castle. “Sorry to interrupt, Dad, but Scott says dinner’s ready whenever we want to eat. Do you want me to gather everyone?”

“Thanks, sweetie, I’d appreciate that. I’ll be over in a minute with the wine for refills.”

“You doing okay?” Kate asked him after Alexis had gone.

“I am. Everything’s perfect. I’m just really glad you’re here. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too.” She wanted to sit and hold his hand in hers, do nothing but stare into his blue eyes in a quiet room alone somewhere. “Come on, I’ll help you with the wine.”

**xxxx**

They sat across the table from one another at dinner, Castle on one end and Kate on the other, the others arranged in between. He’d set himself opposite her intentionally, that being the most logical composition for a pair playing at not getting along particularly well, as well as for the purely selfish want of having her there in front of him- not so close that anyone might catch him watching, not so far as to miss even one second of her.

The conversation was light, talk of work left behind, laughter making its return to the group that’d lost it somewhere along the way. Martha regaled everyone with wild tales of theatre days past, and Ryan and Jenny talked of newlywed life. Espo and Lanie shared lingering moments in each other’s eyes they weren’t yet sure how to interpret, and Alexis and Castle bickered sweetly about her impending college decision.

All the while Kate watched him, all other sights and sounds pushed out along her periphery where she could access them if required but where they couldn’t impede her focus. She laughed when the others laughed and swallowed down the food placed in front of her as the others did, but Castle was the only thing she truly heard and truly saw. And in those seconds when their eyes happened to meet and they refused to look away, she felt a love for him she never had before, there, among their friends and family.

In a brief moment of table calm, Castle pushed his chair back and rose, his nearly empty wine glass in hand. “I’d like to say a few words, if I may, if you’ll indulge me for a moment.” Everyone turned their attention and waited curiously. “Well, I’d first like to thank all of you for being here tonight. It really means a lot that you’ve allowed me this opportunity after everything that’s happened, and that my team at the 12th has agreed to welcome me back- provisionally, of course, Detective Beckett. I’ve missed laughing with you and being a part of something meaningful, and I look most forward to spending my days with you again.”

Castle looked around the table at each of them. “I lost my way for a little bit, but I’ve found my path again, right where I hoped it would be, and I promise you that I won’t ever again lose sight of it. I’m a lucky man to have each and every one of you in my life. I hope you’ll always remember that. So, here’s to you.” He raised his glass in a toast and they all followed his lead.

Kate never took her eyes off of him. The sincerity with which he spoke transfixed her. As everyone around her clinked glasses and sipped in celebration, she stood from her chair silently and stepped slowly around the table until she was just inches from him. Surprised and uncertain, he took her in, his puzzlement growing more profound as she reached for the glass in his hand and placed it on the table. As though they were standing in a spotlight, everything else around them came to a stop, no one certain exactly what was unfolding before them, but all utterly fixated on the scene, nonetheless.

“I love you,” she said, clearly, conclusively, without hesitation or vacillation. And then she pulled him to her in a kiss that sent a wave of electricity through the entire room. They all watched it, from beginning to end, happening there unabashedly in front of them, no words exchanged.

“God, I love you too,” Castle whispered, as Kate pulled back, her hands tight in grip at his waist. “And that was-”

“Better than any dessert you have waiting?” she teased.

“I was going to say unexpected, but, you’re right, I can barely remember what dessert even means at this point.”

“Yo, what _is_ for dessert?” Espo asked, matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, Dad, what are we having?”

Castle and Kate broke apart and turned to face the table. Everyone stared in apparent anticipation of Castle’s answer. “I’m sorry. You’re asking me what we’re having for dessert? After _that_ just happened?” Kate stood quietly beside him with furrowed brow.

“My sweet tooth’s really kicking in, Castle,” Ryan said.

“I’ll go ask Scott, everybody,” Martha announced.

“I’ll come with you,” Lanie called out. “I need to use the restroom, anyway.”

Castle pointed harshly at Espo and Alexis, his arms locked straight out in front of his body. “You two told them, didn’t you? Espo, seriously?”

“Oh, come on, like we all didn’t know this was coming. We’ve had a damn pool going for, like, two years. I got anxious, wanted to collect my winnings. Man’s gotta eat.”

“He’s been bragging about it for days,” Lanie snarled as she walked away, clearly bitter about the loss.

“And you, Alexis? They, at least, had a bet going. Not that that’s any excuse. What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?”

“Gram has powers, Dad. You know this. I swear, it was like she could read my mind.”

“It’s true, dear. It was written all over that angelic face of hers. When ever will you learn?”

Castle put his hands on his hips in a huff, and Kate managed to sneak a peek at his adorably exaggerated pout, doing her very best to maintain a straight face for the sake of a united front. “Well, it’s so nice to know we can count on you guys. Honestly.”

“Really, bro? A little pot and kettle, don’t you think?” Espo countered.

“I think it’s amazing, by the way.” Jenny had said nothing up until that point. “Even I knew when I first met you guys that something was going on. I hope you’re very happy together.”

Ryan put his arm around Jenny’s shoulder. “We all hope so.”

“Well, thank you both,” Kate jumped in, catching Castle by surprise. She tugged his hand from his hip and folded it into her own. “We’re very happy and hopeful and looking forward to whatever comes next- just as long as Gates doesn’t find out. If she does, I’ll have to kill you.”

“What the hell are you looking at me for?” Espo protested.

“Protective, that’s hot,” Castle mumbled, with a squeeze of Kate’s hand.

“Oh, get a room, you two,” Espo barked.

“Yes, please!” Alexis exclaimed.

Castle pulled Kate against him, the rest of the group dispersing into the room. “You want to?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, I want to. But first, I find myself oddly curious about dessert.” She drew him downward by the front of his shirt, her lips pressed to his ear. “And just so you know, I’m wearing the black ones, Castle.”

**xxxx**

_End_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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